Looking back...

Thinking about the past, the present, the future.

My latest Examiner article is titled "2011: A new year brings new opportunities". I even created a discussion post called "Making a fresh start in the new year", asking others to list some of their goals for 2011. But what about me? I'm working hard, trying to move forward. But I still feel like I'm moving backwards. Or standing still. I guess it will take more time...and time seems so short.

Looking back over the past year, I see so much pain. But I also see an amazing amount of joy. Was the pain worth the joy? No. It's a separate thing. My trip to Utah -- alone, my first time on a plane, first time out west -- was worth all the planning and worrying and courage. But only because I achieved my goals. And because it was the best weekend of my life. That was my reward. For hard work, persistence, and maybe because I deserved something good. I am a good person inside, I know that. But I'm not perfect. I have my mean side and my dislikes and annoyances. I speak them now. I didn't before...but that didn't mean that they weren't there. I just refuse to keep everything hidden. I refuse to let things go and let others walk all over me. It's NOT ok to hurt me and tell me to get over it. It's NOT ok to say you'll call and not follow through...and then brush it off like it's minor. Or say you're too busy to help/talk/listen/hang out...but do all those things with someone else. Actions show. If I'm not a priority in your life, don't pretend that I am and then ignore me. I'd rather you stayed away or be honest. I can't help if someone believes that my needs are trivial compared to theirs, that the events in their lives are more important, more urgent. That because I'm single and childless, that my life doesn't have as much meaning. That I'm expendable...and they're necessary. I understand that. I don't have as much as others my age. I feel like I'm missing something. But I have lots of things and people who give my life meaning, who show me that I have value. And that there's still hope. I'm not less than you. I'm not better than you. I'm just not you.

Maybe it's me. I believe that promises mean something, that loyalty and respect should be upheld. If someone hurts someone I care about, I fight and protect. You become my enemy...as simple as that. I have high standards, ambitions, passionate beliefs. Opinions of my own. I don't follow along if I know something's wrong -- for me or someone else. I don't make fun of people or look down on someone less fortunate or who has needs or issues that I don't understand. I accept. I try my best to be open-minded enough to see the other side. Sometimes I can't. But I'll let you know. I try too hard, I give too much of myself. But I don't regret it. I'd rather do too much than too little. I won't be the one who abandons a friend in need...even if they don't need me. I have to try. I always have to try. I bring people together...and then I have to stand back and watch them live, laugh, love, enjoy the new friendships...without me. I do feel left out, not good enough. They've moved on...to someone better suited for their needs. But maybe that's what I'm meant to do. Because I'll be gone one day. And they still need to live. "Victory of the people..."

Some see me as weak, some see me as strong. Maybe I'm both...or neither. Or a combination of the two. A combination of so many things. And that's me. A mixture -- of races, opinions, beliefs, talents, feelings, personality traits, likes, etc, etc. I'm not your typical Black girl. But that doesn't mean I didn't want to be. Of course I wanted to fit in (with my relatives, with society). But then...I wouldn't have fit in at school anyway. It seems I never truly fit anywhere...because I'm not one thing. I'm so many things, which is good, but it means that I can only have pieces of everything. Only fit in somewhat, a little here and there. I can give this much, but I'll only get a fraction back. Because no one knows my needs. Or maybe they can't be met.

I'm grateful for what I have, what I've been given, what I've gotten myself. I'm very proud of myself for what I have accomplished in the past year. And really, the past 3 years. Amidst the sadness and grief and struggle, I excelled. I became. I grew stronger. Partly because of it and partly because I just do. It's what I do. Keep going, never give up. It's exhausting though, let me tell you. Hard work being strong. Picking up the pieces when you're broken...again and again. Setbacks, failures, disappointments. I hate it. I hate the weakness I feel...and the perception of others who believe that this mental illness or my personality or flaws or whatever makes me defective. I'm damaged goods. Like a piece of fruit...that looks good on the outside (soft to touch, nice color, smells good) but is rotten on the inside (emotional, defensive, opinionated, depressed, quiet, boring, CRAZY). Maybe I'm all of those things...but so what? I'm me. Take it or leave it. The problem is, people don't want to leave it...they want to change it. Make me FIT. And as I said, I don't fit. So, I guess it's up to me to walk away. I can't have people in my life who put me down or keep me down. Who smile in my face and laugh behind my back. Who don't think I have much worth...unless I change who I am. And the things that I can't change, well, that makes me hopeless, doesn't it? I'll never have what they have -- some people delight in that. Some like to see others in pain, feeling low -- it makes them feel high. I see it, I just don't understand that mindset. That's not my life. And I don't have to alter myself to fit that life, to fit my peers' view on the world. Or my family's. Or anyone's. I have a choice. I have to live this life. Whether I exceed or fail. Whether I stay the same or improve. Whether I get "better" or not. All I want is acceptance. Love. Joy. Peace. Respect. Trust. Easier to give than receive. I should lower my expectations, but I won't. Because there are those who meet my standards...and I meet theirs. And God, I'm SO grateful for them. So grateful that they're in my life -- to pull me up, stand beside me, even stand in front of me. They won't watch me fall...they'll catch me. They have. And if they're reading this -- I think they know who they are...because I've told them. And if I haven't said it enough -- thank you for loving me. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for trusting me with your heart, your secrets, your friendship. I'm honored to know you. And I hope...I hope you'll never leave me. But if you do. Well, I have to go on. I can be grateful for the memories. Nothing lasts forever. I know.

So with the commencement of 2011, what do I hope to achieve? I don't make resolutions...I set my goals as I go along, depending on the situation, adapting to life's changes. And I do not like to fail. But I do have hopes, dreams, needs. I don't know if I'll meet them...or they'll meet me. I don't know what the future holds; no one does. We just keep going, looking around us, hoping to see something beautiful. And when we do, we smile. I can smile.

I want to be happy with myself, as I am. And I want to be better...for me. I lost some things and I gained others. I'll never forget. And I will not settle. All or nothing. I deserve it. And I'm worth the battle.