I've been working really hard on keeping a positive outlook. Trying to inspire others while I improve myself. It's a fight sometimes. And to be honest, I'm really struggling right now. The usual: generalized anxiety, depression, grief, Seasonal Affective Disorder, holiday busyness and stress. With some dermatillomania and hypoglycemia thrown in. I haven't been eating as well as I should, haven't been exercising, haven't been using my CBT tools as effectively as I should, haven't been writing. I've been so tired, physically and emotionally. Completely drained. But I'm not giving up.
Being in a house full of people is very difficult because the noise and food smells and barrage of emotions from others overwhelms me. My senses are very heightened, especially when I'm already not feeling well. Yesterday was painful. And I can't really talk about because they don't understand. They don't feel it. "You shouldn't feel like that if it's family." But that doesn't matter, the effect is the same. But I just have to take time away from everything and sit in the quiet, alone. It's the only way I can survive.
This time of year is always hard. So many memories in my head, missing those who aren't here any longer. For a long time after my aunt died, I dreaded Christmas and didn't see the point of celebrating. I couldn't feel happy because there was so much pain associated with it. She died 4 days after Christmas in 2006 and Christmas Day was the last time that I saw her. And with all the family passings that happened in the following years - many during the winter months and near holidays - it became increasingly difficult.
See, Christmas used to be my favorite holiday, something that I looked forward to, ever since I was a kid. Not just about gifts, but the whole celebration of it. The tree, the decorations, the songs, the emotions in the air. Now I feel a slight sense of panic when the stores start laying out the Christmas decorations or playing holiday tunes (too early, in my opinion). My mind tells me, "I'm not ready! I'm not ready! I'm not ready!" But it's not Christmas that I'm not ready for as much as what comes after. The 29th.
The past few years, however, I've been able to enjoy the holidays again. Maybe because I have so many nieces and nephews to buy presents for and giving is the one thing that makes me happiest. Every year I'm so focused on everyone else, that I forget that I will be receiving gifts too. Seriously, every year. I don't think about it until closer to the day and then I think, "Oh, that's right..." I'm not a materialistic person and don't ask for much (ever), so when people think of me and give me something from their heart, it means a lot. No matter what it is, I'm always grateful. But the best feeling is when I make someone else happy. I'm pretty good at finding gifts for people because I listen and pay attention to what they like. That's important - getting them something that represents them or their needs. I try to see it from their perspective and imagine their reaction. I never have much money but I do my best. I'm pretty good at finding bargains too.
This year, I feel pretty good about Christmas (besides the anxiety stuff). I'm not dreading the holiday because I'm excited to see how the kids will react to what I bought. And I tried to get the adults things they could use (and a few fun things).
I'm also looking forward to New Year's Eve. That holiday always gave me mixed feelings because I was always single and never had a kiss at midnight (until recently). I went to parties, concerts, had fun...but never felt satisfied. I'm not one for kissing strangers or bringing a date just to say I have a date. I can do it on my own. But I wish I didn't have to. There is someone I'm interested in, a good man who appreciates and values me. But we're just friends and I'm not sure how he feels or what he wants. Whether he's even ready for me. I could ask...but I want it to be his choice. I need someone who will choose me...and stay. I'm happy with our friendship but I do want more. And so, I pray for a kiss at midnight. With this man who makes my heart skip a beat (has that even happened so often with anyone else?) and my soul smile. But I accept that it may not be the right time and more work may need to be done on this situation. I'm not rushing this. I'm not chasing. It's necessary to do this the right way, a different way, so that my past doesn’t repeat itself. If you want something different, you have to do something different.
I have many insecurities and fears, but I also have hope and faith. I believe. And I'm not giving up. I deserve to be happy. It's my time.
Lots of love to anyone who reads this.
Have a Merry Christmas!
Sunday, December 24, 2017
Friday, June 16, 2017
Progress
It's been a year since I wrote my last blog post. I can't say that my love life has improved, but I have. I've made so much internal progress over the past year, and notably, since October 2016. That's when I began therapy...for the first time in my life. I'd considered it before and it had been suggested to me from various doctors and friends, but I was never ready. I began taking medication again (after 2 years of being off of antidepressants and using natural remedies) because my anxiety symptoms were unmanageable and interfered with my daily life and well-being. It went from a few days a month of feeling "crazy" and emotional, to daily bouts of recurring anxiety and panic. Sometimes I'd have a few days where I'd feel "normal" and relaxed, then the anxiety would set in again. The depression issues that I had in the past were not as present and I've only had one major episode in the past year. I was able to use CBT/DBT techniques that I learned on my own (through research) to manage my depression to the point of almost non-existence. I'd have days here and there where I'd feel down and unmotivated, but I'd be able to pull myself out of it within a day or two (as opposed to weeks). So I felt that I was managing that well. The anxiety was not so easy to overcome. I did not have the right tools and was only able to calm myself down temporarily. I needed help.
I spoke to my doctor about it and she prescribed a medication similar to what I had been on in 2008, which did help with depression back then, but did not alleviate anxiety at all...so I was a little skeptical. But I hoped for the best. This new one balanced out my mood better, but was still lacking in lessening the frequency and intensity of my anxiety attacks. Basically, anxiety is constantly present under the surface, almost daily, but it would build and become overwhelming or be triggered by an outside stimulus. Irritation, panic, fear, nausea, excessive worries...times ten. The "anxiety bees" would be buzzing inside. How do you get them out? You don't want to hear those thoughts.
So, the one med didn't work well enough and a supplement was added - which did work. I could see an improvement within a couple weeks. The constant anxiety was less frequent and the overwhelming attacks became very rare. Nothing can take everything away and anxiety is a natural warning system that humans need from time to time. But when you have a diagnosed anxiety disorder (G.A.D.), you're in fight-or-flight mode all the time. That is not good for your body. Stress weakens your immune system and causes other health problems. I felt that I was still not able to manage my anxiety as well as I liked, so my doctor suggested talk therapy. I agreed to try it. It was time. During the initial meeting, I found the therapist understanding and sympathetic and helpful.
And for the first time in years I felt HOPE -- that I may one day beat this thing. Or at least be able to live with it and have peace. That's why I decided to go back and continue on this program. It's not a "sit and talk about all of your problems" sort of session. It's geared specifically toward learning how to manage anxiety through cognitive behavioral therapy. Which is, basically, restructuring your thoughts from the negative to the positive. It's not just thinking happy thoughts. You have to dig deep to the root of the problem and practice exercises to condition your mind to operate in a different way. I had homework to do after every session -- worksheets to fill out, coping mechanisms (what we call "tools") to learn, breathing exercises, and so many other techniques that I had to do on my own. I had to interact with other people in my life and use these techniques. I had to use them when I was triggered and in a state of panic. Which is very hard to do. But I tried. I put in the work, I went above and beyond. And I progressed. I impressed my therapist with my insight and willingness to fight this. You have to be ready, that's the thing. I couldn't have done this before, because recovery is HARD work. But I was ready to do it.
It will take years, I'm sure, until I'm able to use my tools the moment that I feel anxiety coming on and stop it immediately. And one day, maybe it won't happen at all. Or maybe it will always be a part of me. But I'm getting better. I can recognize what's happening as soon as I start to feel "off" and know that anxiety is creeping in. This type is kind of like having a cold -- you can't get rid of it, you just have to let it pass out of your system. You can use medication or other distractions for temporary relief, but it's still there until it leaves on its own. My job is to manage the anxiety. I have trouble with the CBT idea of "embracing it" or even accepting it. Because I hate it and don't want it to be a part of my life. It makes me feel like I'm going crazy and I'm not myself. I can see who I am and that's not me. Something else takes over and I'm not in control. And I always want to be in control. But that's not possible and this is a part of me. Most times, people don't even notice when anxiety is there because I'm able to appear to function normally. I have high-functioning depression and anxiety because I can still take care of myself and others, work, drive, interact socially, etc, etc. It takes all of my effort some days, just to make it through the day, but I'm able to do it. That was not always true, but at this point, I can. My weight has been stable too (even gaining weight), so the stress-starvation thing is not a struggle at the moment either.
I can see that I've made progress and that my mind tries to restructure itself every time a stressful situation arises. It might take some time and I may start to fall into my old behavior patterns (like punishing myself by letting the stress eat away at me and worry worry worry), but then I do use a positive behavior and pull myself away from that. I tell myself that I don't deserve to feel that way. I ask myself the questions from the worksheets and think about sentence structure and irrational beliefs -- how can I exchange the words in this statement (thought) to become more positive and hopeful. I try to calm myself down through breathing or put on some music. I have an emergency plan and people that I can reach out to. Some things have become automatic -- like a few months ago when I woke up during the night and had a lot of fears and worries and immediately turned on the Tufstrings album to calm myself. I surprised and impressed myself with that. Usually I would not have tried to help myself feel better and would have let the worries overtake me. Part of the low self-worth thing with depression. But music heals me and it's time to let myself be healed. 'PRN', especially, helps calm my anxiety. I played that song in my head during two different panic attacks and it got me out of it. If there's no music available, I can still hear the music in my mind.
My sessions are almost over and I'm considering long-term CBT therapy. But I'm taking my time with it and will do it when I'm ready. I'm managing very well on my own (with monthly check-ins) and I'm still practicing the techniques. I think the thing that helps me the most is now being able to recognize what's happening, when it's happening, and the reasons for it. Even if the reason is that it's happening for no reason, which is part of it too. No triggers, no difficult situation, it just happens. It's a brain chemistry thing. It can't be controlled consciously. It's chronic and recurring. It's expected. I understand that. I accept that. But I won't accept it controlling my life and stopping me from doing what I want to do. I am very strong. Even at my weakest, I am very strong. I have not given up. I'm still alive. And I'm making progress.
I spoke to my doctor about it and she prescribed a medication similar to what I had been on in 2008, which did help with depression back then, but did not alleviate anxiety at all...so I was a little skeptical. But I hoped for the best. This new one balanced out my mood better, but was still lacking in lessening the frequency and intensity of my anxiety attacks. Basically, anxiety is constantly present under the surface, almost daily, but it would build and become overwhelming or be triggered by an outside stimulus. Irritation, panic, fear, nausea, excessive worries...times ten. The "anxiety bees" would be buzzing inside. How do you get them out? You don't want to hear those thoughts.
So, the one med didn't work well enough and a supplement was added - which did work. I could see an improvement within a couple weeks. The constant anxiety was less frequent and the overwhelming attacks became very rare. Nothing can take everything away and anxiety is a natural warning system that humans need from time to time. But when you have a diagnosed anxiety disorder (G.A.D.), you're in fight-or-flight mode all the time. That is not good for your body. Stress weakens your immune system and causes other health problems. I felt that I was still not able to manage my anxiety as well as I liked, so my doctor suggested talk therapy. I agreed to try it. It was time. During the initial meeting, I found the therapist understanding and sympathetic and helpful.
And for the first time in years I felt HOPE -- that I may one day beat this thing. Or at least be able to live with it and have peace. That's why I decided to go back and continue on this program. It's not a "sit and talk about all of your problems" sort of session. It's geared specifically toward learning how to manage anxiety through cognitive behavioral therapy. Which is, basically, restructuring your thoughts from the negative to the positive. It's not just thinking happy thoughts. You have to dig deep to the root of the problem and practice exercises to condition your mind to operate in a different way. I had homework to do after every session -- worksheets to fill out, coping mechanisms (what we call "tools") to learn, breathing exercises, and so many other techniques that I had to do on my own. I had to interact with other people in my life and use these techniques. I had to use them when I was triggered and in a state of panic. Which is very hard to do. But I tried. I put in the work, I went above and beyond. And I progressed. I impressed my therapist with my insight and willingness to fight this. You have to be ready, that's the thing. I couldn't have done this before, because recovery is HARD work. But I was ready to do it.
It will take years, I'm sure, until I'm able to use my tools the moment that I feel anxiety coming on and stop it immediately. And one day, maybe it won't happen at all. Or maybe it will always be a part of me. But I'm getting better. I can recognize what's happening as soon as I start to feel "off" and know that anxiety is creeping in. This type is kind of like having a cold -- you can't get rid of it, you just have to let it pass out of your system. You can use medication or other distractions for temporary relief, but it's still there until it leaves on its own. My job is to manage the anxiety. I have trouble with the CBT idea of "embracing it" or even accepting it. Because I hate it and don't want it to be a part of my life. It makes me feel like I'm going crazy and I'm not myself. I can see who I am and that's not me. Something else takes over and I'm not in control. And I always want to be in control. But that's not possible and this is a part of me. Most times, people don't even notice when anxiety is there because I'm able to appear to function normally. I have high-functioning depression and anxiety because I can still take care of myself and others, work, drive, interact socially, etc, etc. It takes all of my effort some days, just to make it through the day, but I'm able to do it. That was not always true, but at this point, I can. My weight has been stable too (even gaining weight), so the stress-starvation thing is not a struggle at the moment either.
I can see that I've made progress and that my mind tries to restructure itself every time a stressful situation arises. It might take some time and I may start to fall into my old behavior patterns (like punishing myself by letting the stress eat away at me and worry worry worry), but then I do use a positive behavior and pull myself away from that. I tell myself that I don't deserve to feel that way. I ask myself the questions from the worksheets and think about sentence structure and irrational beliefs -- how can I exchange the words in this statement (thought) to become more positive and hopeful. I try to calm myself down through breathing or put on some music. I have an emergency plan and people that I can reach out to. Some things have become automatic -- like a few months ago when I woke up during the night and had a lot of fears and worries and immediately turned on the Tufstrings album to calm myself. I surprised and impressed myself with that. Usually I would not have tried to help myself feel better and would have let the worries overtake me. Part of the low self-worth thing with depression. But music heals me and it's time to let myself be healed. 'PRN', especially, helps calm my anxiety. I played that song in my head during two different panic attacks and it got me out of it. If there's no music available, I can still hear the music in my mind.
My sessions are almost over and I'm considering long-term CBT therapy. But I'm taking my time with it and will do it when I'm ready. I'm managing very well on my own (with monthly check-ins) and I'm still practicing the techniques. I think the thing that helps me the most is now being able to recognize what's happening, when it's happening, and the reasons for it. Even if the reason is that it's happening for no reason, which is part of it too. No triggers, no difficult situation, it just happens. It's a brain chemistry thing. It can't be controlled consciously. It's chronic and recurring. It's expected. I understand that. I accept that. But I won't accept it controlling my life and stopping me from doing what I want to do. I am very strong. Even at my weakest, I am very strong. I have not given up. I'm still alive. And I'm making progress.
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