Starting again

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." (Unknown)

"In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends." (Unknown)


I have let go of the past. Let go of toxic friends. Let go of trust and belief in people who have shown their true colors. I know who to count on. Not everyone is bad or had bad intentions. They just made the wrong choices or thought they did what was best for everyone. But there's a difference between trying to stay out of the middle of a situation between mutual friends and completely abandoning someone in their time of need. Just as there's a difference in being honest and being verbally abusive. Words do hurt...anyone who says differently hasn't been completely shattered by them. Maybe they haven't been bullied or made fun of. Or maybe they were the ones doing the bullying. It's hard to understand how someone feels unless you're in their place. An innocent comment can bring back bad memories for someone. And if they're already down, it hurts that much more. Who's to judge whether or not those words should hurt them? Who's to judge how they should feel or for how long? Or whether they should forgive the person who said them? Is it someone else's place to make that choice? No, we each make our own choices in our own lives. Because, no one else knows what we've lived through. Everyone has secrets. And the relationship between friends or lovers or family is between them. How do you know the whole story?

I'm moving on now. Past the pain. Past the explanations. Past the past. I feel what I feel, live how I live. Some things I can change, some I can't. Some I won't. But it's no one's place to tell me how to do it. If you don't like how I live my life, stay out of it. If I make too many mistakes, wrong choices, if I destroy my life...it's not your responsibility to fix it or change it. Or criticize it. It's mine to do with as I wish. If you can help and comfort and encourage and fight for me - then I appreciate it. I appreciate all who were there no matter what. The others, who left, or who participated in the negativity, or who just stood by and watched...you made your choices too. And I owe you no part of my life. But that doesn't mean I'll cut you out of it. Do you see? Did you notice? Does it matter? I forgive, I give second chances. But even I have my limits.

Can you think of the worst possible thing that someone could say about you? Would you tell them 'Thank You' if they said it? What about your children? Would you stand by while someone said hateful comments about them, or to them? If they said they shouldn't have been born because you may have passed some "flaws" onto them? Do you have weight issues? Does heart disease, cancer, diabetes, high cholesterol, run in your family? Is it worth it to have kids if you have these damaged genes? Or is it only people with mental/emotional issues who shouldn't have children? Who will never find someone to love them? Because they struggle and overcome and have biological abnormalities that they cannot change or control. I cannot erase my "flaws", my DNA, my chemical imbalance. I was made this way...it was triggered, but it was always there. Do you expect me to change? Does this "truth" help me become a better person? Someone who can be accepted by you, by them, by society? How does beating someone down make them feel better about themselves? How does it make them stronger, how does it propel them forward to reach new heights of success? Or is it just about control...having power over someone? Hate does not help. And let me tell you, nothing I do is going to get me accepted by everyone. I could bleach my skin, change my eye color, wear different clothing, speak differently. It won't change who I am inside. My personality is the problem. Before, it was said I didn't have one...I was too quiet. Now I have a flawed one...I say too much, I have too many issues. I'm too nice, I'm not nice enough. Contradictions. And I am SO TIRED OF IT.

And that is why I'm moving on. Giving to those who are deserving. Giving to those who have been there -- right or wrong, good or bad, happy or sad. We don't have to agree on everything, we don't have to like the same people. But if we're friends, we have to accept each other...even when we don't understand. And you don't turn your back on them just because something better comes along. Someone with a higher status, someone who can give you "more". If they don't satisfy you, don't give you what you want, you move on to someone higher...or you come back to me. I don't do that. I may disagree with someone and not want to speak to them, but I don't shut them out of my life, I don't stop caring. Everyone makes mistakes...we are human, all of us. Fame, talent, beauty...that's nothing. That doesn't give someone the right to say whatever they please or treat someone like trash. And the "fans" fawn all over them and say that it was ok, it was right. No matter how bad. We're all people. We're all human. No one is better than another. And no one is less.

I understand wanting someone's approval. Not wanting to say the wrong thing for fear that they will shut you out, leave you, delete you. But there comes a time when you have to stand up for what is right. When you have to stand up for yourself or for another. Because it's the right thing to do. If the other lets you go for being strong...how much did you matter to them anyway? I can't change this. I've been through it before. I know how it works. I was not surprised, not about that part. But I was disappointed. And we can't go back now. Trust is earned...and I gave it too freely. I believed that when someone said they will always be there, that they meant it. My fault. My mistake. I DO know better. I've been hurt before. And still I have hope. That the goodness I see is real.

And so, I go on. Christmas is coming. And honestly, I just want it to be over. I want the rest of the month to speed through. The 29th doesn't even have to come. But it will. And I will get through it...we all will. I had happiness this week. It helped. Babies, animals...they help me more than anything. My music. I'm fine...still hurting, but I'm ok. I have to keep the negativity out. The words which crumbled me. I know better this time. And this time I wasn't in love. But I did love my friend...as a friend. For me, that's still a lot. And I gave everything...and would have given more. But, time marches on. And maybe time forgets.

I hope the new year will bring new opportunities. I like the writing, but I need money. I will get a better job. I will count on my true friends the way they count on me. I will promote my boys and help the others. I will keep doing things my way, being strong, fighting the fire. Although it helps...

I also hope the new year brings love. Equality. God knows what I need. I have faith. And whatever happens...I will not let anyone defeat me. I know I can be a good mother...I'm working hard to get to that place, but it will take time. I can do this. And my flaws? Well, let's just call them personality traits (thanks, J.F.). And if this is what gives me my creativity, my passion, my love, my empathy...then, maybe they're benefits.

I am a good friend. But no one has to benefit from that either. Choice.

I'm NOT waiting for my prince to come

I'm back to the world of contradictions. Sometimes I think everyone can relate to what I'm saying, other times it seems like no one at all understands. Too much happened the past two weeks...and the past two days. I dropped 3 pounds. Very not good. But I can't eat when I'm stressed...so tired. Heartbroken. Beaten. My self-worth is pretty much at a zero. I feel like everything I believed was a lie. Everything I thought I did right, was actually wrong. I know my flaws. I make no secret of what they are. Maybe I say too much, speak from my heart, get emotional. But that's just who I am. I thought they knew that by now. But that's just another part of what makes me "ugly". Contradictions.

I can't trust very many people. And even those who are trustworthy, have their own opinions about what is right and wrong. And voice those thoughts to others. If you have a problem with ME, tell ME. If I hurt you, let me know so I don't do it again. If I come on too strong or care too much, let me know. Kindly, honestly. I don't need to be beat down, I don't like feeling small. But people already know that. They know my weaknesses, my triggers, my fears. The people I confide in most know so much. And they can use it against me. The image of the pile of print-outs on "his" desk...the emails I sent in confidence, as a friend. Used against me to deny me my raise at work. My attitude, personality, skills. I had no management experience, so of course I failed on that level. But it was a betrayal. That was the first time I felt that coldness inside, that punch in the stomach. It wouldn't be the last. The look of disapproval, the harsh words. And that last phone call...when I was apologizing for putting too much pressure on him, absolving him of all responsibilities. And he destroyed me...just because he could. I was vulnerable and he knew where to strike -- because he knew me better than anyone. He said things that were untrue...but at the time I let myself believe them. I let myself believe that I was crazy and everything that happened was my fault. I destroyed the friendship/relationship because I wasn't good enough as a person. I wasn't normal. There was no friendship. There was nothing. It was as if the past year never happened, never existed.

I got myself past that recently. I moved on. I know I'm not crazy -- he just didn't understand. He was cruel. I didn't fit into his ideal world. And he could never give me what I needed -- love, compassion, support. I know what I need, and I will not settle. But I also know that it will be hard. I have hope, but no expectations. I can make it on my own.

I'm not looking for someone to "fix" me. I fix myself...been doing it for years. Putting on the game face, acting "normal", smiling smiling smiling. People still can't tell. Of course, if they looked close enough and listened hard enough, it would be obvious. I can't hide the pain in my eyes. I can't stop being me.

What do I need in a man? Someone who will listen when I have a hard day...and comfort me. Or listen when I have a happy day...and celebrate with me. Someone who values me and sees my worth...no many how many flaws I have, no matter how much they dislike about me -- they still think I'm wonderful. To them I'm beautiful -- because they see my soul. I don't care about looks, or profession, or education, or height, or weight. Of course I have physical preferences, things that turn me on or make me take notice. But what does it really matter? If I love someone, they're the most beautiful thing in the world to me. I've never dated a model or "hot" guy. Just regular guys...with pretty eyes (by my standards, but then I have a thing for big eyes and long eyelashes). I never thought of myself as beautiful, certainly not gorgeous. But so many people keep telling me I'm pretty...so I'm starting to believe it. That maybe my nose isn't so bad, my freckles and small figure are good things. Or at least acceptable. I know I look good when I dress up, when my hair looks nice, when I have the right make up on. I can see it. But all of the past abuse is there too. Those thoughts and doubts never quite leave. Don't belittle me for having a weakness. For having self-esteem issues. And don't compliment my looks and then tell me looks aren't enough...and that my personality is lacking. I'm confused. I don't know what to believe. I want people to think I'm pretty...but I want someone to adore me as a person.

I was hurt beyond belief. Was it worse than last year, last July? I don't know. I lost someone I considered my best friend then. Yes, that was worse. I didn't know how I could survive that pain. I don't know how I did. It sent me to my knees. Broke me. And so did this. Because I never knew how I looked to him. What he saw when he looked at me, read what I wrote. I never knew. It makes me feel ashamed of myself. That there are so many things, personality traits, feelings, fears, that are considered heinous. To another good friend. I thought I was loved and appreciated. But I was being disapproved of. A tally of all of my faults. Ready to be displayed for all to see. And the biggest kick of all...kids. I'm not fit to be a parent. Who wants to create a child with someone like me? Someone who will not only pass this "disease" to the child, but who will damage the child just by raising it...maybe just by proximity to me. Like I'm Medusa...one look will turn you to stone. Well, not stone, but getting close to me is like poison. I touch you, care about you, and you're infected. The only way to stop it is to beat me with a stick until I fall and then get far away from me. Taking everything with you. The past, the love, the trust, the hope. Everything good goes. Because I'm not good for anyone. But then, why do so many say I am good for them? That I help them? They agree that these issues are so horrible and keeping me from living a normal life, that I'm not progressing fast enough or in the right direction, or that I'll never change, never be good enough. But then say that I'm a good person and we all have our issues. I don't understand.

I can't be what others want me to be. And I'm not what everyone thinks I am. There's so much you don't know. You can't. You don't know my past...even if you know the events, you don't know the feelings. The panic, the fear. You can laugh at me, look at me in disbelief because I get sick to my stomach about a subject you find normal or funny or stupid. You can put me down for not speaking out about something that I don't want to be involved in...or for speaking out in defense of something that offends me. But why are you the judge of what's right and wrong? If I feel a certain way about things or react a certain way -- there's always a reason. Maybe you can't see it or understand it. Maybe it's the stupidest thing you ever heard. But it's mine. Respect me enough to leave it alone. To let me have a difference of opinion. If it's something that bothers me on a soul-shattering level, it's because of an event in the past. Post-traumatic stress disorder maybe. I do flashback, constantly. Certain smells, words, sounds, images bring back traumatic events. Maybe in your mind, in your life they wouldn't be considered traumatic. Or maybe you went through it yourself and it didn't affect you the same...or you got past it. If I haven't, even if I never get over the fear or grief or pain...please don't consider me a failure. I'm not you. I'm not like everyone else. Even if I'm wrong or stubborn or defensive, I'm not evil. I don't deserve to be treated like a criminal. Worse than a criminal, because they get a defense. If I do something wrong, I apologize. God punishes me enough if I don't listen to my intuition. I punish myself daily for thoughts and actions and words...no matter how innocent or helpful. But I believe that I don't deserve to be punished for who I am. I can change things, improve, compromise. But I was created this way for a reason. If God can love me as I am and blesses me with good things, then why am I expected to change? Why can't others look at me and see something worthwhile? The most damaged person in the world still deserves some hope, and help. And I would marry someone who's damaged...because I would do everything in my power to help them. Or just be there for them. I won't turn away, I won't belittle them. They're more worth my time than the "normal" people.

I just needed to clear my head. Look at this from another way. I don't hate anyone. I haven't said all the things I was accused of. I'm not really a bad person. I make mistakes, I say the wrong things or the right things in the wrong way. But I speak from my heart. I don't lie, I don't hold back if something needs to be said. I stand up for those who can't stand on their own. I'll argue to infinity and beat a million dead horses. I'll bring up issues from the past and show how much I'm hurt...to make you hurt. But I don't attack. I don't list people's faults. If I'm mad, it's because of something you did TO me or someone I care about. Not because of who you are. Not because of the little things that annoy me. I don't even think of that stuff in a fight. It's all about emotions and actions and events. Words hurt. They cut and burn and freeze. They destroy relationships and families and lives. Something is gone now. I'll never get that trust back. And I'll always have this memory...popping up to choke me when I'm at a low point. It's forever now. Nothing can stop it.

I apologized. I should have said nothing. But that's not my way, not anymore. I speak my mind. Too much explaining. But they don't know me and it irritated me that they thought they did...that they were going to educate ME? It wasn't about him. None of the last few were about him. Love was in my heart, for my friend. I was worried. I was sad. And yes, I talked about myself because that's how I show that I relate to what's said. I compared myself to her. Because I felt like I was being compared...that the world was being compared. My fault. I should care less. But I don't regret what was said, because I meant it. If I say something, I mean it. I don't pretend. If I'm mad at you, you'll know it. I don't smile and act like your best friend while inside thinking what an idiot you are. That's wrong. And I don't beat anyone down just to see them writhe in pain. To know I have that power over them. I don't want power like that. Anything I create will be from me, to make me better, stronger. I'm ambitious, but I don't use others to achieve my goals. That's pathetic to me. And so weak. If you want something done, do it yourself.

I'm independent. I thought people knew. I'm liberal and believe in freedom of choice...and the strength of women. Although I do have traditional values. But I don't need a man to rescue me or help me or save me from myself. When did I ever say I did? I don't want a knight or a prince -- I stopped believing in fairy tales long ago. Who wants to be rescued like some helpless maiden? I'm not helpless and I won't be seen like that. Maybe I appear weak to others...maybe depression and mood shifts and insecurities are weaknesses, oddities, something vile and disgusting. Yes, I've been told how messed up I am, how strange, how crazy. I'm not though. I know I'm not. There are medical reasons for this and I can track when certain issues started. Why I feel like this when this happens. Triggers, memories. There's always a reason. Do you know my reasons? If you listen you should. Don't judge me and don't try to change me. I don't like advice from people who don't know what this is like...or someone younger than me trying to educate me on the world. I'm not stupid...I even graduated college. I watch, I learn. I know what works for me and what doesn't. There's a lot that I don't know and I will admit that. If you have a helpful suggestion...say it kindly. Send me a link, an article, post my favorite song to cheer me up. Don't throw something in my face that you know will hurt me just to make me live life your way, to make a lifestyle change to become like you. Maybe your way is best, maybe it worked for you. But I'm not a child who needs to be taught. Let me explore at my own pace and do things my way. Don't tell me I need to get out of my comfort zone or go out and do something fun or act differently. There's a reason that I don't do certain things, a reason why I'm unable to go out in public or do something physical. I will no longer push myself until I pass out or double over in pain or shake so badly I scream. I don't need to do "normal" activities just to prove a point to someone. I owe no one anything. This is MY life. I don't tell you how to live yours...don't you see?

This isn't meant for anyone. I just had to say what was on my mind. No one has to read this, or try to understand. No one has to do anything anymore. I'm on my own the way I want to be. I like my privacy, I'm used to this. But that doesn't mean that I don't want to share my world with someone. Just because I don't want to be rescued by a man on a white charger, doesn't mean I wouldn't like to be swept off my feet. And held. Just look at me and hold me. That's all. Just look at me...and love me for who I am.

I'm grateful for my friends -- the TRUE friends. Who stick up for me and check up on me and pray for me. Those who hurt for me as I hurt for them. They got me through this...and so much more. And Blue. They make it better...I've always said that. They are my peace, my joy, my salvation. Anyone can see. But that's enough. I've learned a lot lately. About friendship, expectations, needs, responsibilities. What I think is important and necessary isn't for everyone. What I think is wrong behavior, others find acceptable. I make no apologies for doing what I think is right. For fighting back, for helping those in need, for relying on those I can trust. I may need constant validation...because depression strips your confidence, your self-esteem, makes you a different person. I can't see the love, I can't see anything but pain. So I need the words, the actions -- to remind me. I'm sorry if anyone feels unappreciated. But if I reach out and no one's there, I feel lost and alone. There's nothing I can do about that. And I can't force myself to love myself. There are issues I have to deal with. But it's not true that no one will love me if I don't love myself -- because a lot of people love me and have my whole life. And I haven't always loved myself. So where is that true? That's just another put down. That I have to be a certain type of person for someone to love me. No, love me for who I am NOW. I need it now. Don't wait. Good, bad, happy, sad. At my worst, at my best. Don't try to change me. Don't tell me I'm wasting my life. It's mine to do with as I please. If you can't accept that...why are you here? If you want something else, go after it. Everyone's free. If your life is better without me, go live it. I hold no one to me. My daily choices, while I sit here in my apartment, don't affect you at all. Turn off your computer and walk away. I'll still be doing what I'm doing...but how does it touch you at all? You can't even see me. I've said time and time again that I should stay away from people...but they say no, we need you here. But then they don't like what I do or say...they don't want me around. Not so close...or not so far when they need something. Someone always needs something. Especially when I'm having the worst day. What do you want? Can't I have peace? God, I'm just tired. Done venting, I think. I'll be ok. And I'm going to live my life for me. So when I die, I'll have died free. Not living as someone else. No matter how horrible I am, how weak or pathetic my life, it's mine.

Going nowhere

So it's been about a week and 1/2 since I started on my writing endeavor with Examiner.com. I've written 2 articles, set up a FB page, set up a HootSuite account, Analytics account, changed the links on my social networks, and promoted myself over and over and over. I'm exhausted.

It's fun and good experience and I feel like I'm being productive and moving forward. Hopefully my doc will see it as so when I go in for the follow-up. But I'm not making any money yet (besides a few dollars) and I know UC will be running out soon. Today may be my last time to file. I don't know what I'm going to do. Besides the fact that Christmas is coming up and I still haven't paid all the bills from last month, I don't have a steady income. Basically no income right now. I will freak out very shortly.

There's so much stress in my life right now. And not just with me, but with my friends. That guy needs to leave us alone. Making trouble, harassing us, fake profiles, vile comments. Hateful messages. I'm sorry for my part in it, for not realizing who he was sooner. But it's not my fault. I didn't ask for this. I'm scared for my friend. And I'm worried about my future. I want life to get better, not worse. I need things to get better. The fire still touches me...I'm still at the edge. And I don't care...at those times, I don't care. I could go. And I would be fine with it. I don't care. That's a dangerous state of mind. Hide the knives...

But I have too much hope in me, too much "I never give up". Too much stubbornness and persistence and organization. I work too hard, push too much. But what else is there? It's me. I can't stand still, can't not keep going. Or I'll think and feel and want.

Oh, I want so much. So many things...that have nothing to do with money or possessions or events. Just wants...to fill my heart. To give me peace, pleasure, no pain. Is there a world without pain? I wonder.

I shouldn't feel guilty for hurting bad people...for protecting myself from something potentially harmful or dangerous. And I shouldn't feel like a monster just because I warned other friends about someone who is not a nice person...no matter how many people think so. I'm not obligated to be friends with anyone...or give or do or agree with them. It's so funny, the post about it being ok that we all don't have to agree...that it's ok. That is true and what I believe. But it's funny because of who commented. You can't disagree with them -- that's the whole problem. That's what caused all the drama. But I don't care. Send messages, talk about me, hate me for not doing things your way, for having an opinion of my own. I'm not you. And there's nothing wrong with me. I explained myself and I'm tired of explaining myself. I won't let you bring me down...just because you're mad that you can't get everything you want. I owe you NOTHING.

But I owe Blue my life, my soul, my salvation. People doubt me? I'm as loyal as they come. Others say it's too much. Well, it's not more than anyone else, so why is it ok for them and not me? I'm tired of trying to figure it out. Just stay away from me and I'll stay away from you. You don't matter enough. And what's in my heart is true. Believe it.

I pray for love. And laughter and hope and happiness. Peace for all. And maybe a little bit more. Help me get through this, God. Because I don't know where I'm going. Let it go...