Friends say I'm so beautiful and sweet and intelligent and loving.
Guys say I'm "marriage material" or that any man would be lucky to have me.
Family says that I'm great with kids and would be a good mother.
Those who don't know me so well tell me to be patient and that there's someone out there for me...and offer advice on what they think I want in my life, based on what they think I've been through.
And then there are those who tell me all the things that are wrong with me and what I need to change...but no matter what I do, I'll always be a failure in their eyes.
When I answer the question, I usually say, "I haven't found the right person yet." That's the easy answer. If I know you better, I may say that I can't find a guy who will stick around long enough to get to know me or who wants a serious relationship. I could go into the specific reasons, share a few stories, let the bitterness out. My close friends know. But really, why does any of that matter? A lot of it is out of my hands. You can't force someone to love you. And even if they do, they may not want the same things you want, at the same time. You can't make someone stay when they want to go. And you can't make them come back...no matter how hard you pray for it.
I've been through a series of false starts...by which, I mean, that it seems like a relationship is building, we talk and get to know each other, make plans to get together...and then nothing happens. No dates, no romantic encounters...just silence. They disappear and I'm left wondering what I did wrong this time. Why did they walk away when they liked me? Pretty words and promises mean nothing without action to back them up. Shouldn't they have at least dated me or tried to sleep with me? Isn't that how real life goes? Nothing in my life is normal. I know I have emotional issues, I'm not the best talker, keep to myself a lot. I've hurt people and made mistakes. But I do so much good, help so many, support, encourage, love, take care of. Shouldn't that outweigh the bad by now?
I'm not ungrateful for the blessings. I've been patient, believe me. I've adapted and changed and improved. I put my whole heart into everything. I love fully and unconditionally. I try so hard to do better, to be better. I pray everyday.
But I need more in my life. I deserve more. I deserve to let my heart be happy and my head have peace. I deserve to not be knocked down from my dreams. I deserve to love someone who loves me back. I deserve to have a life of my own, a purpose other than what I can do for everyone else. I can see my worth...if I look closely.
And really, the idea that there's only ONE person on this planet that can look past my flaws and see someone worth loving is pretty depressing. I can love so many...but only one can love me back? How do I find this person? Is that what I want?
I don't even believe that there's only one "right" person for everyone. I think some people are right for you at certain times of your life. Even if it doesn't work out, even if you don't end up together, didn't you date them in the first place because it felt like they were the right person? You liked them for a reason. The good times mattered, right? They're not erased just because you broke up. Those moments still exist in time. I've been in love, with men who felt like my best friend. No one can tell me that wasn't right for me at the time. I was happy. Things didn't work out, but I could never regret loving them.
A lot of it is out of my hands. I don't choose to be lonely/dateless/unmarried. I don't choose to be rejected or disrespected or thrown away. I would choose not to be. It's ok to feel that way, to be frustrated and unhappy with your situation. You don't have to "enjoy being single"...the only people who tell you that are those who aren't. You don't have to love yourself first in order to be loved by someone else. Love doesn't work that way. It shouldn't. I get what people are trying to say - you have to value your own worth and not rely on someone else to be the source of your happiness. Ok, I agree with that. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about adding something to an already full life...or even an empty one. Accepting someone into your life who brings you joy should not be a bad thing. There shouldn't be limits and conditions. You shouldn't have to wait for love or change yourself in order for others to value you. I shouldn't. I don't.
Many people assume that if you say you don't want to be single, if you want a boyfriend/husband, it's only because you see other people with that and you want it. The whole "grass is greener" thing. Maybe that's how they see the world. But I don't (so don't assume, listen). Your green grass might remind me that mine is a little brown, and maybe I'll feel bad about it, but I don't want your grass. I want my own. And maybe my grass is purple, not green...because that's what my heart is telling me I need. And not perfect, but mine. I listen to my heart. It's my way. I do what's right for ME.
Being single doesn't have to mean you're lonely or something's wrong with you or no one wants you. It doesn't mean your standards are too high and you're pushing all the "good guys" away. Most girls don't want the "bad boy". We want a guy who is exciting and interesting, sure, but we want to be treated well and feel loved. The problem is that even the good guys make mistakes or can be neglectful or abusive. When you love someone, sometimes you just take it...you think that's just the way it is, that's what you deserve. If every relationship is like that, if everyone you meet treats you that way and they all point out your biggest flaw (such as, too quiet), you start to think that's the best it'll ever be for you. That's the only way you've known. Why would you expect anything else? Being hurt becomes normal. Pain and disappointment is normal. That's comfortable, familiar.
But it doesn't have to be...
Some people love being single because it means they can do what they want, when they want, and don't have to answer to anyone. That's understandable. I enjoy being independent and having my space, but I'm too much of a nurturer to be happy alone. I need to love and be loved. I don't need to run wild, I never wanted to date a lot of people or party every night. That's just not me. I AM lonely - that's what I feel. And it's been a long time since I didn't feel this way. I have crushes, I love, I daydream, I wish...and my heart needs something back. I'm made for better things.
You say, I'll wish I was single again if I was in a relationship? Or I'll appreciate the time I spent alone? I doubt it. I'd rather spend my time appreciating the person who loves me. Loving is much more rewarding than not loving.
I don't see happy couples all around me (another assumption of something I must covet). I see reality. I know a lot of marriages end in divorce, I know that what appears to be a happy family may not be. Life is hard, relationships are hard. But if you try, if you put effort into maintaining your relationship, that's what I respect more than anything. There ARE good marriages, there are people who are meant to be together. I know this because I see it everyday. And that is what I want. I'm strong enough to let go of something that's wrong for me. But I'm also strong enough to hold onto what's right.
So now comes the other part, the part that IS my choice. The part where I can say, "This isn't good enough." And I walk away. It still hurts to lose someone, it still takes time to get past the pain and let yourself heal. It doesn't mean you don't love them or you're giving up. But it's your choice not to settle for less than you deserve. To be happy in your own skin. To keep reaching for the best. And that's what inspired me to write this list. All of the lessons learned, who I've become.
I'm single because:
I refuse to let myself be disrespected or abused.
I refuse to be persuaded or guilted into doing something that isn't right for me.
I refuse to be someone's side piece or casual relationship.
I refuse to be lied to and led on.
I refuse to stay in a bad situation.
I refuse to give someone all of my time/attention/love if they won't give me theirs.
I refuse to settle for scraps and pieces that are thrown at me - it's all or nothing.
I refuse to be someone's "novelty girlfriend" simply because they want to sample a different race.
I refuse to stay in a relationship just so I'm not alone.
I refuse to date someone that I have no romantic feelings or chemistry for.
I refuse to give someone a chance just because they "seem nice" and I hope feelings will develop later. (I've done that too much. Either I feel it or I don't. I need to listen to that.)
I refuse to allow anyone to put me down and throw my flaws in my face to prove I'm not good enough.
I refuse to give multiple chances and keep trying with someone who has proven to be untrustworthy.
I refuse to be around someone who brings out the worst in me.
I refuse to be with someone who treats other people badly or thinks that they're less than them.
I refuse to change who I am to fit someone else's image of who they think I should be.
I refuse to pretend to be something I'm not just to make someone else happy or feel more comfortable.
I refuse to beg, pursue, or hold onto someone who doesn't want to be with me.
I refuse to let past failures rule my future.
I refuse to compromise my values.
I refuse to stay silent.
There are many more answers. But these are most important, for my life now. I'm trying to stay positive, have hope, believe again. Be open. This is a reset; the past doesn't matter, except to teach me how to be better. I know myself. I know who I am. Maybe that's something that only comes with age, with time. I'm 35 years old. It's time for me to have the power. It's in me, I've done it before...time to bring it back.
I have to remember:
I'm the prize. I'm the treasure.
If a man truly wants me, he'll make an effort to be with me. I'll be worth his time and attention and he'll show me that. I'll know where I stand, without a doubt. I don't have to chase, I don't have to beg. I don't have to do anything to show someone why they should be interested in me. I don't have to act a certain way to be accepted...or loved.
A man who will appreciate that, who will respect my differences and accept the real me, who can look at this list and say, "That makes sense," will be the one I need. He'll make a place for me in his life, and ask for a place in mine. If he can make me laugh and loves music, he's already a winner right there.
I need him to choose ME. Put me first.
Until then, I'm single.
