10 years

I just realized that it's been almost 10 years since I was diagnosed with depression and started treatment for the first time. It was February 2008, when I was 29 (although I had been exhibiting symptoms for at least 15 years before that). My diagnosis was Major Depressive Disorder. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, insomnia, and hypoglycemia soon after. It's been a long and difficult road, on and off medication, filled with rock bottom days, weight fluctuations, and abusive treatment from others. I wasn't on my best behavior either and regret being so defensive and dismissive to former friends. But I also found a support system and people who could relate to my struggles and a strength inside of me that I didn't know I had. Even when I wanted to give up, I didn't. Music was a big part of what helped get me through, sometimes the only thing.

Over the years, my depression dissipated to only a few episodes a year, and I found ways to manage and overcome it much quicker. I studied Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques and read a lot of articles and learned from others. I believe I trained my body to fight depression, even when my brain wanted to embrace it. It tried to convince me to give up but it couldn't win anymore. But anxiety was still a big problem and there were times when I was afraid that I would hurt myself. I was more impulsive in that state and in so much internal pain. Antidepressants didn't help that and alprazolam was just temporary. I suffered a lot, for years. There's no other way to put it. It was overwhelming and I had to fight just to function and appear "normal".

I weaned myself off of medication in 2014 and managed (not well) for a few years. In 2016, I decided to ask my new doctor for help and began medication again. It helped, but not enough. So she suggested talk therapy and introduced me to one of the therapists in the office. That was the first time that I had hope that I might one day beat this. Not just live with it but actually overcome it. And I was ready. It wasn't sit-on-a-couch-and-talk-about-your-problems therapy. It was CBT therapy specifically geared toward my particular issues with anxiety. My therapist thought I had already been in therapy because I was so insightful and knew of several techniques. But I hadn't and I didn't know how to implement these tools into my life and restructure my thoughts enough to manage my anxiety. But I learned. I did the homework. I went through the program (about 15 sessions in a year) and felt successful enough to do it on my own. I may eventually do long-term therapy with someone else, but for now, I'm doing well. And I keep striving to be better.

I still have down days and chronic anxiety, but I keep fighting.

I hope you're happy

"I hope you're happy,
I hope you're good.
I hope you get what you wish for,
And you're well understood.

And whatever your progress,
I know you'll be fine.
Because I hope you're happy,
Even if you're not mine." - Blue October

The first couple times that I heard this song, I attributed it to myself - to be happy and understood. To have the things that I wish for. The literal lyrics. But then I started to hear it from the perspective of unrequited love - that I may need to let go and let someone I care about be happy with someone else. I could do it. I have done it in the past. Although I still hope for a better way.

But maybe it's not about either of those things. I know that the intention of the song was a dedication to Jus's ex-wife (and others in his past) to show his support and honor their friendship. And maybe it's more relevant to my past relationships and a way for me to forgive and move forward. With no animosity or blame. Just good wishes for their futures.

Thoughts of my most recent ex-boyfriend go through my mind from time-to-time. They don't bring pain and there's no part of me that wants him back. I've moved on. I closed that door and walked through another one. There were good memories, of course, and I learned a lot about myself from that relationship. I grew stronger after the destruction. Because of it. A phoenix rising. A new beginning. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But it's been 3 years since I've seen him. I haven't dated since. At first, because I needed time to heal and didn't want anyone at all. Now, it's because I'm waiting for the man who is worthy of my love and devotion. My choice.

Early on after the breakup, I told myself that whenever he popped into my head, I should just pray for him. Pray for him to be safe, to have food and a home and peace in his mind. To have no one harm him...and for him not to harm anyone either. He told me once, that he wanted to become a righteous man, to follow God and live by his word. I didn't understand what that meant at the time. I thought being good was enough, but righteousness is a higher level. Something beyond your earthly being. I did research on it, of course. I wanted to understand him. I'm more spiritual than religious myself, and take what I need from different philosophies and religions. So I never thought I could ascend to that level that he spoke of. But I wanted him to. And I believed in him. I could see the good in him, the potential. And I wanted to match him, to be worthy of being with someone so devoted to God. I wanted to be righteous too.

I may never be, but I am better than I was. Through this relationship I learned how to use compassion and mercy and grace. I was there for him through everything. And constantly working on myself. I became closer to God. I became more loving and accepting and forgiving. I ascended to a higher purpose. Unfortunately, he did not and lost his way. Got back into bad habits and old relationships. He betrayed me in every way. But I did what I was meant to do and listened to God and gave my all. I can't regret something that was meant. And something that ultimately made me a better person. That was the true purpose of the relationship. To make me become what I needed to become. To show me the way. And find my strength.

I don't know where he is now or what his life is like. It's been more than a year since I've spoken to him. And he was not in a good place. What he never realized, was that I would have always been there for him. I would have helped him and supported him and made sure he stayed healthy and safe. Even afterward. Even if we could have somehow stayed friends, if he needed me, I would have been there. But he walked away. Time and time again. And I had to let him go. So now, I still pray that he's safe, that he's taken care of and has what he needs. I still pray that he will one day become that man that I saw inside, that glimmer of light in the darkness. That man that God showed to me. That righteous man. Or at least, a good one. A better one. I still believe in him.

He's been in my dreams lately. I don't like when the past visits that way and the dreams made me feel uncomfortable. Sort of bruised my heart. I did love him and that love never goes away. But he was too toxic for my life and it's better for me to be free of it. But I can't ignore these signs. And especially since "I Hope You're Happy" is Blue October's latest single and I've listened to it a lot. And can see it in relation to my ex. It's time, I think, to wish him happiness and pray for a good life. With whomever he chooses to spend it. It's not easy, because there is still hurt in my heart. That he chose someone else over me...and many more since. And I was the loyal one, but I'm still single. It's easy to hold onto the negative emotions. But I don't want to. I want to move forward. I want to be better.

So, I hope you're happy, Joseph. I really do. I pray for you and I hope you have peace and are surrounded by people who love you. I pray for you to have the best life that you can have. I pray for you to be that man I know you are. I see you. I always did. And I release you now. I release you. Live your life. Stay alive. Be free.

- Nikki

Gratitude

If I speak of the things I'm grateful for, maybe it will cast out my doubts. If I concentrate on love, it will overshadow the pain. Depression is trying to creep in but I'm fighting hard not to let it. So many worries, so many lies.

But I'm grateful for the people in my life who have stood by me in the toughest times. Those who support and encourage and compliment me. Those who have told me that I made an impact on their lives. That I've inspired them and helped them learn something new because of my insights. Those who value me and appreciate me and acknowledge me. Those who check up on me and keep me centered. Those who relate to my posts, and I to theirs, so that I know I'm not alone. That I'm not the only one who feels these things and thinks this way. It helps. It matters. It all matters.

I don't ask for much, but I need a lot more than I appear to. I'm independent but needy. I need my personal space, but I also need quality time with people who make me laugh and enjoy life.

I'm grateful for my friendships. For family and pets and music and movies and books. All of the little things and all of the big things. I'm grateful for being taken care of and helped. I'm grateful for everyone I've helped along the way. I'm grateful for You allowing me to become a better person. For seeing You.

I'm grateful for a place to sleep, a house to live in. It may not be ideal or my own, but it's safe and warm. I'm grateful for the kids in my life. I'm grateful for all that You brought me. I'm grateful for my strength and courage to overcome my fears and keep living, keep improving. I'm grateful for You pulling me out of bad relationships when you did. I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned and the strength I've gained because of these incidents. I'm grateful for the love I shared with others and the memories made, even if they were temporary.

I'm grateful for the people who haven't given up on me. Who can handle me. Who understand, or try to.

I'm grateful for the love I receive. And the love I give.