I've been working really hard on keeping a positive outlook. Trying to inspire others while I improve myself. It's a fight sometimes. And to be honest, I'm really struggling right now. The usual: generalized anxiety, depression, grief, Seasonal Affective Disorder, holiday busyness and stress. With some dermatillomania and hypoglycemia thrown in. I haven't been eating as well as I should, haven't been exercising, haven't been using my CBT tools as effectively as I should, haven't been writing. I've been so tired, physically and emotionally. Completely drained. But I'm not giving up.
Being in a house full of people is very difficult because the noise and food smells and barrage of emotions from others overwhelms me. My senses are very heightened, especially when I'm already not feeling well. Yesterday was painful. And I can't really talk about because they don't understand. They don't feel it. "You shouldn't feel like that if it's family." But that doesn't matter, the effect is the same. But I just have to take time away from everything and sit in the quiet, alone. It's the only way I can survive.
This time of year is always hard. So many memories in my head, missing those who aren't here any longer. For a long time after my aunt died, I dreaded Christmas and didn't see the point of celebrating. I couldn't feel happy because there was so much pain associated with it. She died 4 days after Christmas in 2006 and Christmas Day was the last time that I saw her. And with all the family passings that happened in the following years - many during the winter months and near holidays - it became increasingly difficult.
See, Christmas used to be my favorite holiday, something that I looked forward to, ever since I was a kid. Not just about gifts, but the whole celebration of it. The tree, the decorations, the songs, the emotions in the air. Now I feel a slight sense of panic when the stores start laying out the Christmas decorations or playing holiday tunes (too early, in my opinion). My mind tells me, "I'm not ready! I'm not ready! I'm not ready!" But it's not Christmas that I'm not ready for as much as what comes after. The 29th.
The past few years, however, I've been able to enjoy the holidays again. Maybe because I have so many nieces and nephews to buy presents for and giving is the one thing that makes me happiest. Every year I'm so focused on everyone else, that I forget that I will be receiving gifts too. Seriously, every year. I don't think about it until closer to the day and then I think, "Oh, that's right..." I'm not a materialistic person and don't ask for much (ever), so when people think of me and give me something from their heart, it means a lot. No matter what it is, I'm always grateful. But the best feeling is when I make someone else happy. I'm pretty good at finding gifts for people because I listen and pay attention to what they like. That's important - getting them something that represents them or their needs. I try to see it from their perspective and imagine their reaction. I never have much money but I do my best. I'm pretty good at finding bargains too.
This year, I feel pretty good about Christmas (besides the anxiety stuff). I'm not dreading the holiday because I'm excited to see how the kids will react to what I bought. And I tried to get the adults things they could use (and a few fun things).
I'm also looking forward to New Year's Eve. That holiday always gave me mixed feelings because I was always single and never had a kiss at midnight (until recently). I went to parties, concerts, had fun...but never felt satisfied. I'm not one for kissing strangers or bringing a date just to say I have a date. I can do it on my own. But I wish I didn't have to. There is someone I'm interested in, a good man who appreciates and values me. But we're just friends and I'm not sure how he feels or what he wants. Whether he's even ready for me. I could ask...but I want it to be his choice. I need someone who will choose me...and stay. I'm happy with our friendship but I do want more. And so, I pray for a kiss at midnight. With this man who makes my heart skip a beat (has that even happened so often with anyone else?) and my soul smile. But I accept that it may not be the right time and more work may need to be done on this situation. I'm not rushing this. I'm not chasing. It's necessary to do this the right way, a different way, so that my past doesn’t repeat itself. If you want something different, you have to do something different.
I have many insecurities and fears, but I also have hope and faith. I believe. And I'm not giving up. I deserve to be happy. It's my time.
Lots of love to anyone who reads this.
Have a Merry Christmas!
