Anxiety is like a buzzing under the skin, like something moving around very fast inside of you. Through your veins, in your head, behind your eyes. It's hard to sit still. I want to run around too. But I stay still. Just occasional twitches and restless gestures of my arms and legs. And it keeps going...free to do as is pleases.
No one sees.
I can fight it. I can sometimes beat it without any "help". But I can't make it not exist. It comes and goes. Right now it's coming. That time of the morning.
I wasn't going to write a blog post yet, but I needed to express and I didn't want to post a status on FB that would lead to a discussion of what I should do about it (or the people who don't know me well thinking I'm crazy). I've been through it already. I don't need it today.
It's not a bad day, it's not a bad time. This is normal...maybe even better than normal because I know that if I get some sleep, I'll feel better. It's been a busy couple of weeks, a lot of things happened and had to be done. Had some very bad nights too. The lowest, hopeless-est kind. But I survived and came back up. It's been hard for many reasons. And doesn't seem like the pain will stop. Not for long. There's always something else. The good goes away, the bad comes back. Neither stays, I guess. But the bad leaves deeper impressions in the soul. Scars that don't heal, memories that never fade. Pain, loss, sadness, sickness. I cry for those I love, those I miss, those who left me. But all I can do is pray...for whatever at the time. Pray for myself. But I don't know if what I want is meant for me. I serve another purpose. I wish...I could be right for that. All that's in my heart. I keep hoping.
I had a good weekend. Great music, good friends, made new friends, danced with a cute guy. Fun. I love to dance...like really dance. But I have no desire to hang out in the clubs. I feel too old. Like, I'm past that phase. I'd rather be around people I know, like, share similar interests with. I was comfortable, I felt desirable, I looked pretty, things were going right. And I was satisfied at the end of it. Thank You. Thank You.
More shows coming up. Can't go far...don't really want to and have no money. $5 is about all I can do right now. But the bands, my friends, are worth a full price ticket. And a lot of them are on their way there. I'm glad to know them. They work hard and give back. They care. Good people. I do what I can to help and support and spread the word. Why not?
I like working on my music blog. It's what I want to do -- music and writing combined. Art is art. It's right for me. But as a hobby right now. I've gotten back to Examiner.com, but it still isn't pushing me forward. It's mostly taking a chance and hoping something materializes. Keeping my account active, promoting others. What I do.
The baby...is beautiful. I got to see her being born. That's an experience. I'll be taking care of her in a few weeks. It'll be a job. Maybe I can get my life back on track then. Let go of this fear and uncertainty. I'm not lazy. I am ambitious and a hard-worker. When I get into something, I push and push and don't stop. But I also procrastinate and avoid situations that I know are difficult for me or that I'm not good at. I don't like doing things I'm not good at. Why would anyone? Some don't care, I guess. Or it's not the normal, everyday things that they have to worry about. Like calling someone, talking when you feel tired or stressed, trying something new. Difficult for me. People don't see that because I do it anyway. Just like the anxiety -- I can function and hide it; my head might be ready to explode or I want to punch something or pull out my hair, but I don't...I just walk around and do what I need to do. My eyes might not be so calm and I'm on high alert and jumpy, but to the outside world, I'm cool and calm. It's all inside.
I need sleep. I don't know what else to look forward to because I feel the "don't deserve it" phase coming on. I haven't written another article or done anything big aside from updating my group/fan/business pages and Twitter. Well, that takes work and I know people appreciate it. I just need something more to feel accomplished. I feel guilty for not doing other things, although I haven't been at my best to do them. Not enough "spoons" to go around. Been keeping my weight stable since last year and eating regularly, but hypoglycemia still kicks in in the between times. It Hurts. The shakes/vibrations, whatever they're called, hurt. Changing temperatures, walking into a different room, happens. No matter if I just ate. Hate it. I'm sure it's something I brought on myself, or as a result of other health issues. I don't know. It just isn't good. Nausea, hormonal changes, pain, sickness. My body isn't as young as it looks.
My birthday's coming up. Not looking forward to it. Getting older, that number. While still single (not even dating), never been married, no kids, never been pregnant (except in my dreams), no house (or even apartment anymore) of my own. Didn't even get my Christmas dog yet. No money. I feel like a failure. I'm allowed to. I'm allowed to be sad and not want to do anything. I'm allowed to pray for things to get better and STAY better. I'm allowed to not go out with guys who I'm not attracted to or don't trust or don't connect with. I'm allowed to make choices...not settle. But I just want people to understand. I do a lot on my own, not because I want to be left alone, but because I know I will, and it's easier to control the situation by myself. If something's important, no one is messing it up for me. If I want something, I'm going after it. No fear will stop me, not for that. But so much is so hard to deal with. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to go through this on my own. I have no one there for me 24/7. When I break, when I have to go to a funeral. When I'm terrified and need a companion to go to an event. I can't ask anyone. No one will come. I need permanence and consistency...but all I get are pieces and moments scattered about. Convenience. It's not enough. But that's my life and where I have to live. I keep fighting it, but I know. I know who I am.
I feel like I'm getting closer sometimes. Weeding out the bad and the useless, keeping the good and loyal. Closer to the life I need to feel fulfilled and whole, right. Sometimes I think I feel closer to finding a man who "gets me" and challenges me and supports me and understands me and will be everthing I need...and I'm everything back, for him. Sometimes I still think it's possible. But...this is my life. I know what happens. No one stays. I'm just useful when I'm useful. Needed when I'm needed. I know. This isn't pity, it's realism. I've been through this over and over. I change, the situation, the players change, but it ends the same way. It's not me doing, it's me being -- not what I do, but what I am. A spectator in life, a voyeur. I experience things and have fun times, but I go after the things I do because I don't have the other things. I can't substitute it or fill that space. I just have to take what's available to me and make it meaningful. I stay "up" as long as I can, look for the good in things. I try really hard. Keep moving forward, block the pain, put it out of my mind. Can't cut it out of my heart, so it comes back, but I can do other things to make it go away for awhile. Sometimes you need a break from yourself.
I miss my dog. It will be 2 years. Another reason to dread my birthday. How is the Earth still moving when she's not on it? Seems impossible. There shouldn't be a world where she doesn't exist. But she does exist -- in our memories, hearts, pictures. Still have her toys. Still find her hairs sometimes. Does she come to me? I'll never stop missing her. She was everything. Animals give us peace. And she was a wonderful dog. I love her so much. She was mine -- my heart. I love her.
I keep moving on. The darkness doesn't pull me in. At times, I feel numb, disconnected, dissociated from things. Like I care less, think less, everything matters less. Which, it mostly does. I know how easily the things that you need the most can be taken away. Leave, hurt you, die. You can't be dependent on it for your existence or happiness or assume it will always be there and love you. When you lose so much, so much so fast, you're prepared to lose more. I can't stand it. I won't survive much more. Not what I fear everyday. But I'll just fade away. I don't have to be here. The world will go on. I just want things to be better than that. I still want a happy life. To be satisfied and content and have the things that matter surrounding me. I want all this to mean something. And that I'm worth more that what I can give to everyone else. That I'm deserving of a precious life too. I want simple, basic things that most expect or take for granted. I am so tired of watching and waiting. The clumsy card houses and broken hearts, lies and carelessness. I want to matter. Not just with words or small gestures. But I want to matter to the one person who matters to me. I want to be loved like I love. I need to be loved. I have crushes. But love few.
It's all words really. My heart speaks, but it's in a different language than some understand. Or they don't care. I'm so confused. Contradictions, always. I'm tired of the talk. Just be real and honest and help me understand. And try to understand me. A little effort goes a long way. But I don't ask for things. There's no point. I need help, but it's always conditional or temporary. I'm sorry. I'm just venting, thinking. I don't expect anything. I'm just here. Until I'm not. I keep trying. Until the end.
It's light. I need sleep. I'll figure the rest out later...
#sway
