I felt the need to write lately, but I didn't know what to write. I'm having days where I just want to retreat to my shell and hide from the world. Anxiety, fears, panic, dizziness, nausea. Just another day in the neighborhood. I'm so tired of it...this cycle.
Guess I'm inspired now. God, my heart hurts. And I won't say a word. Because I'm the protector. I don't want to hurt anyone, don't want to mess up their life, take away their happiness. Everyone deserves happiness, to have things the way they want them...to have the "right" kind of people around them. Beside them, loving them. I have no right to destroy that...even touch it. So I sit back and watch. And hurt. Because I did care, so much...and I wasn't good enough. Once again.
People want to say all the great things about me, how there's someone out there for me. Be patient, keep trying, move on. Let go of the past. Well, that's hard to do when the past follows you. Do you think I ever forget? Anything? Anyone? The feelings remain. And I'm thinking maybe that doesn't happen for everyone, maybe that's not normal. Maybe the reason I can't let go and move on is because the feelings never change in me. Because those memories and moments are a part of me forever. How do you move on from something that's a part of you? You can't. Don't tell me to try...I've tried. I'm so sick of advice. From married people and couples and single men. Acting like they understand when they've never been in this situation, never had to sit alone wondering why everyone else is chosen, but not you. Saying I'm beautiful and brushing it off when I say I have self-esteem issues from being told I wasn't pretty growing up. Telling me I'm amazing and any guy would be lucky to have me, but they don't want me for themselves? I truly don't understand. I truly don't. If I have deep feelings for someone, I want them in my life. I want to be with them, I wouldn't let them go. I wouldn't push them away. I would love them with my whole heart.
I'm tired of explaining, tired of complaining. It's just the same thing over and over. I just need to keep to myself. Just confide in who I trust and just live this stupid life I was given. I try to be better, I try to do good things. I've made a difference. But I'm always left behind. I'm so lonely. I am alone. There's no one that knows all of me...no one who has gotten close enough for long enough to be trusted with all of me.
Why don't guys want me? Why do they always walk away....find someone else? Or just walk away. I'm special too. I'm worth it too. But no one can see me.
I don't want the pretty words. They belong in my daydream world. I have to live in reality. And reality is that not everyone finds their perfect match...or a match period. Some settle, some just live alone. I can accept my place in life. While hating it just the same. It's not my nature, you see -- I'm a romantic, I'm meant for love. To love and be loved. Without it, there's no me. And I feel so empty. I have friends, family, kids, pets that make me happy. I've had wonderful moments and have been given the best gifts. Even if the depression doesn't let me see it sometimes, I know it's there. I appreciate it. But there are holes in my heart that those things can't fill. It's like they're labeled and shaped for a specific item...and I don't have anything to put in that space. I find things that fit, people who seem to care for me as much as I do them...but that changes, they change. Or maybe they just never knew me, I wasn't what they wanted. It's hard to keep trying, keep reaching out. I'm not searching for anyone. I am very independent. But people come into my life and I can't help but care. They touch my heart, they change my life. I'm never stronger than when I have someone beside me. They make me strive to be better...or their essence just brings positivity to my life. I don't know. But it makes a difference. And maybe that's not normal either. But I've never been normal...I'm still the strange shy girl, I guess. Just older. And I hit back now.
I feel too vulnerable. Too many things hurt now. I want to delete so many things. Because I don't want to come off the wrong way. Crazy. But I do. Because I lead with my emotions. It's what I am. Sometimes it's all I am. I can't be what I'm not. I can't be anything but who I am...
I want to feel again...I like feeling love. I like having that in my heart, I like giving. That's what fuels me. But I'm tired of the breaks. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of people looking at me and seeing something I'm not. Expecting things of me that I don't have to give, to be. I don't know what they see. It's not what I see. I don't see all bad, I know my good parts too. It's just not enough. And don't say "one day it will be". There's no guarantee of that. Millions of people are single and childless. And people die every day.
So, to let go again. And not be bitter and cold-hearted. Not become what the fire has created. But maybe a little. I have to protect myself too. And if anyone really truly loved me enough and wanted me enough, they wouldn't walk away. They would fight for me, choose me. They'd be the first...
