One last time

It's what I want more than anything. If you know me, you know what that is. And how long it's been a necessity. But I'm starting to feel like no one knows me. They think they do, but they're just looking at a picture and have this image of who I should be...and I'm not. I go out of my way to explain...because I want to be understood. You don't have to agree with me, you can think my way is wrong or strange...but can you understand that it's important to me? That I'm trusting you with what's in my soul? It's not for you to take apart or scrutinize. Just listen. Just listen.

I feel...let down, offended, hurt. That anyone would think I could be so shallow. That that's how they see me? How they expect me to react? Maybe they didn't mean it that way, but that's what it implies. I was asking for help but all I got were lectures. From people who've never been through this -- who haven't had to. Because they lived that other life. The one I've never lived. I can't go backwards in time. I don't want their lives. I don't want what others have. When I say I want something, it's because my heart is calling out for it. Has nothing to do with anyone else. If something brings it to my mind, that's not the same as envying it. It's just a reminder of what I don't have...it's bringing the thought back to the forefront of my mind. It never left. If I say I NEED something...then it's a necessity, like breathing, like water. Like my arm...a part of me that's missing. You don't have to lose something to feel a loss. I have holes in my heart. I feel it. And I live with it. You don't have to understand. Just accept that I know myself. That what I feel is real to me.

I don't forget things. People see it as: I don't move on from the past, I don't let go. Well, I can't let go. I'm not like you. Accept it. Just accept me. Things mean a lot to me, I get very emotionally invested. It's who I am. It's what people like about me...when I'm there for them, listening to them, being patient and encouraging and sympathetic. People come to me all the time. People expect me to be like that...because I am. But when I'm in need, when I talk about what I want out of life, what I want to create...then I'm weak, complaining. As if I don't know what I need? As if I need to be told how to feel in this situation, what I need to be concentrating on? I'm just so sick of it. Really I am. People have the best intentions, but they have NO idea how much it hurts to be patronized that way. It's hypocritical isn't it? Can't you hear how it sounds when you gush on and on how important your kids are, how they saved you, how they're what you live for, how you can't imagine life without your best friend -- your husband, how blessed and lucky you are....and then tell me that I have to FIND something in my life to make me feel that way? To recreate, to REPLACE that...because I can't have what you have. I don't have it. I said I don't have it and I said I want it. But you tell me I can find something else to fulfill me the same. Doesn't anyone know how horribly offensive that is to hear? You could not say, that if you lost your children or your spouse that you could find something to replace them. Is there anything in this world that can take the place of or even come close to equalling the love of a child? The wonder and blessing and miracle of it? Do you really expect me to find some other little piece of *what?* that compares? Could you? Would you even try? And it would be enough...it should be enough for me? You have your family right there to hold and look at and experience. And I'm supposed to enjoy life alone. Or wait patiently until "my time". I am so sick of it. They really just don't get it. Because they haven't lived it. They lived their own timeline. Can't really compare, can't cross over. You had all of those things BEFORE you got to my age, it's not the same as me starting now. It's just not. Sorry.

And I can't explain, because I do that all the time and people still have no idea. I've said over and over and over and over and over....in different ways at different times. I'm an open book. But I'm written in invisible ink. I don't know. I don't know what else I can do. My life is documented. You can know who I am just by taking some time to look. Photos, posts, blog, notes, stories. But, I know. That's not what happens. I know. That's fine, I get it. But I don't want to explain anymore. I don't want to justify my feelings and thoughts and wants and needs. I don't want to prove that I'm sick or give a reason for being upset or depressed or tired. I don't want to have to keep telling people who I am. I want them to see me...know me. But I'm tired.

I'm angry. I'd rather be angry than upset. Because I don't want to talk about why I'm upset. It's no one's fault. It's just life. Just another life that I'm not a part of. It's hard for me. It will keep being hard for me as time moves on, as people build their lives, their families. And I stay here. Behind. On the outside looking in. I used to think there was something wrong with me, and maybe there is, that I was always different, never a part of things. Didn't experience the things most people do at certain points in life. I never quite caught up, you know. I just am not meant to. I know my place. I know the truth. Whether it's eternal punishment or it's simply not my purpose in this world, I can't have it. It's beyond difficult, beyond bad luck. It's getting so close, having things go right, being happy...then if falls off. Just gone. Every time? It's not usual. Not like this. I did nothing wrong. I tried very hard, I adapted, I went beyond myself. I was what I needed to be...and they liked me, they were attracted, they wanted to spend time with me. Then, that's not there. No date? Nothing? You won't even make a move? Just go find someone else? Or just leave. This isn't normal. This isn't the way things work in reality. But this is my world. I guess my friends thought I was turning guys down...because they weren't good-looking enough (when have I EVER done that to ANYONE???) or my type or interesting or what?? Someone who "looks like me" has to have guys lining up to be with her, right? So it must be me messing things up, being a snob. I'm not that judgemental. Isn't the reason everyone seeks me out and confides in me BECAUSE I don't judge them by what they look like or their job or what choices they made? Don't people say I'm kind and loving and I have a big heart for that very reason? Contradictions. But I guess the general concensus is that I must be doing something wrong if things aren't working out for me, ever. So tell me the ways I need to change, tell me what I need to try (as if I hadn't thought of it all already), tell me what you would do. Or tell me I need to stop thinking about it, it's not so important, find something else. Maybe they just don't want to hear it. Ok. But I know who I can confide in too.

I don't feel like being nice right now. I'm supremely tired of being nice. The good friend, the good daughter, the good sister. Doing what's right, what's fair, thinking about others. Doing for others. That is my purpose...what I can do for others. I really have no other use. Anything for myself is questioned, not thought to be important. Not understood. Brushed aside. Minor. Just fizzles out to nothingness. But I'm just a child complaining about a life she has not experienced. Wrong...I'm 34 and I've been through a lot. And I've let it be minimized, let myself believe that I have not been through as much as other people, that I'm not traumatized and jaded. But I'm an adult and I have seen more than they know. No one knows all that's inside of me. Even those who have been on my journey with me, who have watched me grow up, they don't know everything that's happened. I explain it, I let it out and people are surprised. Is it really so much? Could you really not see ANY of it? Yeah, I know...

I won't go back to what I was. And what it was didn't make me a better person. Some things in our past shouldn't be "what makes us who we are"...as if it's a good thing. Some things are not good and with that being inside us, we are not good. Don't some serial killers become that way because of traumas they faced as children? You can't say, well he went through that for a reason and it made him who he is...as if becoming a monster is in any way beneficial or deserving of existence. I know, just words, just things people say. But I don't just say things...everything means something. I say what I mean. I don't like empty words. I don't like to be patted on the head and consoled just to shut me up. I want people to understand. Just understand who I am right now. Let me scream, let me cry. Say it's ok. Understand that the one thing I want most is out of my grasp. Is given to another. Not mine. I'm just watching. With a smile. Because that's the way it has to be.

I don't feel better. I don't even feel like spell-checking. I'm tired, I haven't slept since yesterday afternoon. I was supposed to finish the Examiner article last night. Stuck. Tired, upset. I try not to think of it, but it keeps hitting me. I can't talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. It's heavy. And I have to keep watching. I really don't want to right now. People expect way too much of me. Expect me to take it all in, and not show it. Be happy for. To deal with it...and if I can't, I'm weak. God, I hate it here. Please get me out of here. I don't expect miracles from this, from anything anyone can do to help me. I appreciate the help...she's the only one who was willing to try. Not just talk. But even if I meet someone, they won't stay. It's not allowed. If I didn't know better, I'd think someone was calling them up and warning them off. "Don't let yourself like this girl, leave now. Everything you said to her, everything you felt or promised, it doesn't exist anymore. Just walk away as if it never happened." And they do. It's beyond my control. I've tried everything. It's just not meant for me. I didn't do anything wrong. I was just made wrong.

"Victory of the people"...that's what my name means. I'm meant to save them. Not myself. I just pray that you'll let me rest soon. I just pray. That one day I'll have done enough of my duties on this earth, and You'll grant me peace. True peace. Because I'm so very tired. But I don't like to give up.

Can't be strong forever. I don't want to be. But I want to be loved forever. Love.

But someone has to choose me. And that...well...

Too many fish: If I'm such a good catch, why am I always getting thrown back in?

Revisiting old times...not always a bad thing. But bittersweet. Found an ex online. Needed to see him, to see if he was still "him". To know how I felt now. Just through pictures...he looks the same. And I remember. The good part of me, the fun we had, the sweetness he brought out. I was different then. I'm different now. I knew that I no longer loved him, haven't been in love with him for a decade. But I'll always love him for what he was to me. I had to see what else was left. Not much. Neither of us have a part in that life anymore...he doesn't belong in mine and I don't belong in his. I'm genuinely happy for him and the life he's made for himself, his family. I won't touch them. I want no harm to befall them. He doesn't need to know that I'm here. And I have to leave it all in the past. Where it still exists.

Because it's not always about finding the "right person". It has to be the right time and you both have to want the same things at the same time. Doesn't mean they're the "wrong person" or that love is any less meaningful than what's between married couples or other relationships. The only difference is, we have to learn to live without the most important person in our life. Saying that the relationship was never right just because it's over is like saying it never happened, erasing the past, all the good memories and happiness never existed because bad stuff happened later. That's not what I want. I make choices based on what's right for me at the time (through feelings & intuition) - it's not a mistake, it's what I needed then. Mistakes in action, in the way I reacted or handled a situation, yes, I'm sorry. Maybe I should have gotten out of relationships sooner or just given up instead of fighting to make things work or was less clingy, but I did all I could do and I'm satisfied with that. That's who I am. They can have the regrets.

My first love was not perfect but he was perfect for me. A lot of things happened that proved that. It was a like a fairytale or a dream (his words). But it wasn't the right time, we were too young, we wanted different things. Two years in college and then long distance when he moved back home for a job...didn't work. I wanted more, he wanted less. But that doesn't mean it was wrong. It doesn't mean I didn't love him as much as my parents love each other or my sister & brother-in-law do or my friends. They just got to keep theirs. Their other half. I had to move on....and I did. Took years and I still have never met anyone more decent, funny, caring, with an amazing personality than him. He is one of the best people I have ever known. He was "home". And the only time I slept peacefully, the only time I felt safe and accepted. Those experiences couldn't be bought and those memories will always be special. He's married now and I don't know the person he's become, but no one can tell me that time wasn't real because we didn't end up together. No one gets to touch that. Life doesn't always work the way it's supposed to no matter what you do. But us single people shouldn't have to be made to believe that our past was a failure and we have to keep searching for the "right one". Love is hard. Complicated. I love the feeling of it, the connection, the strength it brings to my soul. I'm a better person when I love. But having it taken away, having to love on your own and block the pain is the most debilitating experience. That hole doesn't go away, you just learn how to breathe around it. Who wants to keep going through that with a new person? Not me. But that's me.

Just thinking of him because of "September"...Earth, Wind & Fire playing through my head. The month we met and one of his favorite singing groups. He was so old school, jazz man. Musician. College days are long over but they changed who I was, showed me a better place. More opportunities for a good life.

I dated. I fell in love again...with someone who was not so good for me. But I wasn't good for him either. Love/hate, the highest highs and the lowest lows. But he was my best friend...we got that part right. We had a special bond, an understanding. He had the greatest laugh. But...he didn't need me enough and I needed him too much. I lost him the same week I lost my job. I was devastated. That time, my heart was broken. But I moved on. And I thank him for believing in me and helping me find my courage.

I dated.

I don't fall in love easily or quickly. I'm very cautious and it takes a long time to trust. But once I'm there, I'm there for the long haul. I'll fight for us to be, I'll adapt and compromise and work hard to make it work. If you're in my heart, you'll always be in my heart...even if you're no longer in my life.

I'm a realist and I look toward the future. I need stability and loyalty and commitment. And a man who values that...and makes me feel. It's what I need. It's what I need.