It's very hard for me to be happy. I feel like I don't deserve it. Or if I'm happy and let down my guard, something bad will happen. It has in the past. But bad things happen whether I'm happy or sad. Things just happen...and we can't control them. I hate not having control.
The problem with being happy when you have depression, is that when you're up that high, you have a long way to fall. For me it's usually not gradual, it's sudden. Devastating. A complete change of mood. Maybe because I'm so emotional, so in tune with everything inside me and around me. I feel so much. I have learned to shut it off, distance myself so that the outside emotions don't touch me...so I don't absorb them and become them. But it's very hard to separate myself from reality when I get bad news about a family member or friend. Pretty much impossible. Somehow I deal. I really don't know how.
Last weekend was one of the best times of my life. I did a lot of things I never experienced before. Traveled across the country by myself. I was very scared. But I did it. And now I know that I can do anything. What seemed hard before seems minor now. Now that I did the most frightening and stressful thing of my life. It wasn't just the flight or the planning or the new surroundings. Or even talking to people I don't know well and being in social situations (which I'm not good at). It was fear that I wouldn't be able to handle it mentally or physically because of my depression/anxiety and low weight. If the newest meds hadn't worked so well, I wouldn't have been able to go. If I hadn't gotten my weight up a few pounds, I never would have been able to walk around and enjoy the scenery. I would have passed out or broken down. I wouldn't have been stable or strong enough. But everything worked out. God gave me so many gifts. Everything I asked for and more. It makes me want to cry when I think of how wonderful it was...great friends, an amazing concert, so much fun. So MUCH.
But now I'm back to reality, back to my old life. I'm not the same as I was, my life isn't really the same. I accomplished something major. I faced multiple fears. I accepted what came, I gave to others...and got a lot in return. But it's been a week. And although the memories are still fresh, although my heart is still full, I'm not happy. I'm beginning the descent...back to my baseline, I suppose. But it's a downfall and feels like I'm becoming depressed. Coming down from happy feels like that. Even when I have high anxiety (which is NOT happy), Xanax brings me down and feels slightly depressing. I'm not depressed though, and hope I don't go down that far. I'm having "Blue withdrawals"...but that's to be expected. I'm so satisfied with the show and meeting the guys afterward. All of my pics. I'm so happy with that. And I still have my group page, new members. It makes me happy that people like my website, appreciate how hard I work to keep it updated. It gives me a purpose, makes me feel needed. My friends make me feel needed and wanted. Never have I felt that so much as when I was in Utah. Even before...they wanted me to come so badly. I love them for it, for everything. I'm so insecure and my confidence is low...but I felt pretty and wanted and needed and like a real person. I'll never be the fun party girl...but they like me for who I am. I don't know why...but they do.
So we'll see what happens now. Job searching again. Figuring out my life...again. Love? Only if it's mutual. Equal. Think I'm finally moving on. Finally accepting the truth. And...maybe I can be better, somehow.
