Dawn of a New Day

I slept through the night for the first time in weeks. It felt strange, but good. I've been on "vampire time" lately -- up until sunrise and sleeping during the day. I can't sleep for more than a few hours at a time, so it's like taking short naps throughout the day...with very intense dreams included. I know it's my S.A.D. at work because I can't seem to relax until the sun comes up. I went through this last summer too. Although, Seasonal Affective Disorder is always worse during the winter. To quote my favorite band: "But October fell and broke my shell and all I knew was down". That's been my life for the past 3 years...deep depression from October to February. December's the worst month because it's the anniversary of my aunt's death. I don't believe it's a coincidence that I "found Blue" (was introduced to Blue October) in October of last year. I needed something to ease the pain and they were that gift. They make me feel comforted, they make me scream, they make me cry, they make me hopeful. They have changed my life for the better and I'm very grateful that I got to meet them in April and see two shows. I'm also grateful for all of the wonderful people that I have met (online and in person) as a result of this band. My "Blue Family".

So that brings me to the reason for this post. I created my fan group "Blue Obsessed" as a result of a conversation between me and two other Blue October fans to give us a safe place to discuss the band and post videos, etc. It has grown into much more than that and I'm very proud of all of the work that I have done. But in my effort to please everyone and my need to be the first to post something new, I have forgotten that I have to please myself too. My page is my happy place because I enjoy promoting the band and sharing that love with others. I will continue to do that. But I get so frustrated when no one else contributes or shares my page with other fans. Maybe my expectations are just too high. I'm an ambitious, hard-working person by nature, so I put a lot of pressure on myself. It's unfair of me to put those expectations on others. It's also affecting my health to work so hard and take care of everyone else's needs. So I'm going to take a step back. Assess my priorities and do what needs to be done, step by step...slowly.

I have to find my balance again. Last year I had to find that middle place between the shy girl who never stood up for herself and the aggressive woman who spoke out too much. Took me a long time and there were many obstacles that I had to overcome. Now I have to find the balance between the person who gives too much and is left empty at the end, and the person who is needy and making demands that no one is able to satisfy. We all make our choices and we're all made differently. I'm a "giver"...it's genetic, it's how I was raised, it's natural to me and brings me joy. Some people are the opposite -- they use people to get what they want and selfishly hurt others in their quest for personal satisfaction. I'll never be that person and don't want to be. But I do need to take a little more of life for myself. Put myself first and then give what I can to my friends and family. It's hard because that's never my first thought. But I can change my thinking to do what's best for my current situation. And I'll continue to improve and move forward. I have a lot of battles left and I need to be strong.

I have help, a support system. Great people in my life who have found that balance already...or are still searching for it themselves. I never had so many people who were just like me and understood what all of these thoughts and feelings were like. In many ways I'm still alone, still feel misunderstood at times. I explain myself too much. But only because I want people to know me...and accept me. I'm very independent, stubborn, moody, and hold grudges. But I'm also very loving and loyal and sweet and empathetic. I need to be loved for all sides of me, unconditionally. I'm very protective of those I love and if you're in my heart, you'll be there forever. But forever's a long time...and I can only start with today.

Maybe I'm where I'm supposed to be

I've been contemplating my life a lot lately. And life in general. I'm not where I want to be financially, physically, mentally. I have a lot of work to do on myself and a lot of goals and dreams to accomplish. I want a rewarding career, I want to be healthy, I want to have a baby. And hopefully find a man who loves me and cherishes me as much as I do him. What I do have are great friends and family, people who support and encourage me and stand beside me when the days are tough. Which are a lot of days right now. My anxiety is at an all time high and I don't have the control I need. I'm afraid of where this will lead me. But I can only take it a minute at a time...a day at a time.

I'm "supposed" to be a Fashion Designer. That's what I have a degree in. I'm "supposed" to be married with kids by now. I'm 32 and single. At the very least I'm "supposed" to have a job. Not be unemployed for a year. I'm "supposed" to be off the depression meds by now. But I need them more than ever. Of course there are legitimate reasons why I'm not any of these things. Most out of my control. I could try harder. I'm always one for hard work. But I don't do something just for the sake of doing it, just because that's what I'm "supposed" to do. So here I am.

I had a conversation today...unexpected, but at a time when I really needed it. And it helped me put things into perspective. I've been getting involved in music for the past 9 months or so. Started just posting links to songs that I liked from various bands, mainly Blue October. My love for that band eventually developed into a group page on Facebook. But I've also promoted events and videos and info about other bands, and I've gotten to be good friends with many of the members. I came across Deep Ella on a fellow Blue fan's page and loved their music instantly. I have been promoting them since January and even got a little insight into how a studio recording session works. They are great guys and immensely talented and I'm proud of all of the hard work they put into this new album. And the part that makes me feel proud of myself is that they appreciate everything I've done for them and never fail to let me know how valuable I am.

I considered myself just "helping" them. I mean, how hard is it to share a link on various social networks or post a video or get my friends to join their fanpage? But now I see that I was "working" for them. This was a job to me, not just a hobby. The only difference is that I'm not getting paid for it. But happiness is its own reward...and doing this makes me happy. Being so immersed in music these past months has brought me some of my greatest pleasure. This is what was missing. I played the clarinet since 4th grade but stopped after I graduated high school. I taught myself the guitar a few years ago, but haven't kept up with it. I've always listened to all types of music and it was always a part of me, as much as art and writing. I'll never be a great musician and I don't need to be. Playing music that I like brings me joy. Listening to music from artists I respect and admire stirs my soul. Blue October saves me everyday and keeps me from feeling alone. Deep Ella relaxes me. Flyleaf brings out my spiritual side. Lisa Lavie gives me something my heart can relate to. All of these special people bring something to my life that I can't get elsewhere.

I'm looking into getting a job in music promotion, most likely the PR side. It will take time and work and a lot of learning. But this feels right. And so it begins...

The Introduction

I've been trying to think of what to write for my first blog. How to "introduce" myself. How much to say. Should I be as open as I am when I vent on Facebook? Should I write a poem or just talk about whatever comes to mind? How private should this be? A lot to think about....and I think a lot. But it helps me to write. I don't think of myself as a writer or poet, never even really wrote poems until recently. I wrote songs in the past, ever since I was young. But they're nothing special, not professional like my brother's. I just write what I feel. I enjoy it and it's therapeutic. For others as well...they say my words inspire them. I used to hold everything inside. I was shy and self-conscious and never thought my problems were serious. Because no one else did. So I just put a smile on my face and pretended everything was ok. It wasn't. And it's not now. I won't go into all of that today. But I thought I'd share a poem I wrote a few months ago. If you can read between the lines, you'll know. And maybe some of you can understand.


Home

Do you know what it feels like to fall?
To lose everything you gained,
To start at the bottom and work your way up?
What if you're too tired to try anymore?
What if the pain is your companion and despair is home?
Why would you want to leave your home?
You're safe there, comfortable.
You never have to ask if you belong because there's always a place for you.
And your companion never leaves you.
Is always watching over you.
Waiting until you need her again.

But sometimes you want to leave.
To try that other world.
The one that so many people talk about.
Happiness.
What's it like, you wonder.
Can I have it too?
They do.
So you try it, you open yourself and let it in.
But it's harder to live there - so many requirements, so many responsibilities.
You have to work very hard to stay happy.
Or they'll kick you out without a word.
Then you're on your own.
You can go back - it you do good enough, fight hard enough, are worthy.
Or you can go home and be taken care of.
Where you know you can sleep and dream and be.
Be yourself - no doubt about it there.

But happiness comes with a price.
Lots of them.
You have to let go of the past, let go of the things that were once important.
You have to move on to unknown places, take risks knowing you'll fail.
But you can't help yourself because maybe, just maybe you'll succeed.
And you do.
But it all goes away - because it wasn't yours.
You're just visiting after all.


2/9/10 ~ NM