I took a big step yesterday. But let me backtrack and explain why it was so monumental...
I used to hate my profile, the way my face looks from the side. That goes back to when I was a kid and got made fun of because of my nose. I was even asked if I was going to get plastic surgery when I grew up. If people who look like me and are supposed to love me unconditionally think that there's something wrong with me, then there must be, right? And not just family, but strangers too, laughing at me and making comments. After years of that, I began to see it as this horrible deformation on my face. I was so young, just a child, then a teenager. It shaped my perceptions of beauty and acceptance. I was already a different color than almost everyone in school, I dressed differently and spoke differently than the black kids at other schools. I fit in nowhere. And I felt ugly.
I began to see myself as a monster. I couldn't understand how anyone could stand to look at me from the side. From the front, I was ok, even pretty. Although my nose still disgusted me. But mostly I ignored it. This was the 90s, before smartphone selfies and filters and contouring with makeup. What you saw was what you got.
I remember in college, we had to draw portraits of each other for one of my classes. It had to be the profile view. I was so terrified and had to stop the panic. I didn't want my partner to see me that way. This was a guy I didn't know well. What would he think? That I'm ugly, that it's just what black people look like (big lips, big noses)? I didn't know. But I sat for it. And he did a really good job. I looked like me, but not ugly or deformed. That's when I started to think that maybe other people didn't see me the way I saw myself.
Another experience from my college days was when my then-boyfriend tapped my nose and said it was cute. I was shocked. No one ever said that to me before. I don't think I completely believed him, but I know he was being honest about how he felt. He accepted me and even LIKED my flaws. I still think about that moment, years later.
But it took me well into my 30s to actually accept that part of me and not be disgusted or uncomfortable by it. First by mainly ignoring it and concentrating on my good points and the features that I liked about myself (my eyes, my smile). Then eventually, I just accepted it as part of me and didn't care what others thought. It's how I look. Unless I actually want to get surgery, this is the way I am. I don't want to look like anyone else or not recognize myself. I guess one good thing about me is that I never compared myself to girls in magazines or online or felt inadequate that way. I never wanted be to anyone else or coveted what they had. Even when I hated myself the most and was severely depressed, I didn't want to be another person. Just a different person than I was feeling inside. A better version of myself.
I've posted a few photos of myself from the side on Facebook and Instagram in the past few years, but I still felt nervous about it and preferred my front view or a 3/4 view of my face. I'd never used a profile view for a profile/avatar pic...until last night. I changed my main Instagram photo to a recent one that I took of my hair from the side (see above). I was happy with the way that hairstyle turned out, and my makeup as well, so I felt like that represented where I was in my life.
I'll admit, I was scared to do it and had to reassure myself that I could change it to something else at any time, if I wasn't happy. But I feel like I made the right choice. It may seem like a little thing, but it's a big step for me. On the path of self-acceptance and self-love.
