Christmas Presence

I'm going to try to stay in the present for this one. Talk about how I feel now, today, about things happening in my life. Maybe not specifics...because this is just for me. To get it out. I tried to keep it in, keep it to myself. Away from those who would worry. Away from those who would use it against me. Trust is so very fragile, so easily broken. Sometimes there are only cracks - a misstep, a harsh word. Those fractures can be mended...with work. But if the entire thing is shattered, there's no coming back from that. Not for me. And those that I've hurt - I'm truly sorry. I've tried to forgive...and I mean you no harm. But if I can't have you in my life anymore, there's a reason. You hurt me...and it still hurts, right now. You betrayed me, used my weaknesses or my secrets against me for your own purposes...and I can't forget that. You abandoned me because I didn't do what you wanted or didn't change enough or in some way did not fit your image of me. And I can't live like that. Those are my reasons. There are always reasons. I say what I mean. And I react to others' actions...and my own emotions. I never said it was good.

This isn't supposed to be an explanation for anyone. I still have this need to be understood. For someone to say, "Oh, I see why you acted like that, why those words upset you. It makes sense to me too." I have to stop it. I've learned a lot. And the pain is still with me. I can talk about it because this is my blog, my page. My property. As is my Facebook page. No one has the right to tell me what I should or shouldn't post. I have my reasons. And I'll explain it to you if you ask. Explanations. You'd think people would know me by now. How many actually see ME?

It can't matter. The future's unseen and the past has seen too much. Where am I right now? Afraid. Afraid that my grandfather is going to die...because the nursing home will just do the minimum to keep him "comfortable" rather than leave the I.V. in him until he starts eating again. It's not their decision! My mom will fight...I know that. You don't give up - you do Everything you can to help, to heal, to fix. If you can't do anything more physically, you pray. You don't just stop in the middle. You DON'T give up on someone you love.

I understand that death is a part of life. That it's inevitable for all of us. That at times we even want it. No more pain, no more fighting a losing battle. To gain peace & freedom. I know. And I know that no matter how much medical care or prayers, people & animals still die. My birthday wish was for my dog to be healthy...and she died on my birthday. I know that was the only way for God to make her whole again. I know that. And I gave her my day...it was all I had left to give. And despite the sadness in knowing she spent her last hours alone in that hospital, I'm glad my parents didn't have to make the decision to put her to sleep. Only the decision resuscitate her. Keep trying til the end. I love her and I want her back. But my dog is gone. And life is not the same.

It's hard finding hope in this world...seeing what the world has become. What's the point of striving for a future when you know it will be filled with pain? A better life? What if this is as good as it gets? I keep trying...but I can't see the sunshine yet. I'm grateful for what I have and those in my life. I just need to know that I matter as much. Maybe I'll never have someone who puts me first, who is willing to do whatever it takes to be with me. Maybe all I'll ever get is pieces, limits, conditions...never whole. But maybe I can have the life I want. It's possible..

I have to let this out. Because it's what's torturing me now. I'm afraid. Terrified that what happened last year will happen this year. That he'll pop up and smack me down again. I'm waiting & waiting for the next slap. It's coming. It always comes, doesn't it? Maybe not him. Maybe one of the others. Some people enjoy watching others fall. Cry, be beaten. With words. It hurts as much as fists. There's always someone...every year. It's Christmas. And I have to fall apart. The 29th is hard enough - for all of us. Why did I need that? Is it always those we love who hurt us the most? Not out of anger...out of glee. Power. I said I'd leave him alone, I apologized for my part in it. He came after me. Do you remember? The words on my page. I remember the words on his. Do you understand? Do you understand how I'm not me like this? I'm part of the cycle now. I want my friend back. And I'm terrified of him. Would he laugh? Or would he be sorry? I can't look at him. I'm sorry. This makes me weak...and I hate being weak. I will get past this. But God, please protect me. I don't think I could survive it again.

And this is why I don't trust. Why I pull away from those who truly love me. The few who have proven that they can be counted on - ALWAYS. I love you. I do. I give you my heart and all the praises in the world. You know I'd do anything for you. I'd take away your pain, give you my life. I keep your secrets, protect you. And you, so many of you have kept mine. But. But I know it's possible for those you trust most to turn on you. For those who said they'd never leave you to find something better. Everyone goes away...eventually. Even me. I should not be relied on for all the answers, the support, the help. I won't be there. I can't anymore. I'll disapoint you. Or maybe I'll go away and start taking care of myself instead of everyone else. Put me first. Then I'll be the one who abandons. I'll stop promoting...stop posting for all. Because you don't even SEE me. That's how it feels. My perspective...on the expectations of friendship. But maybe I'm wrong. I don't understand human nature so much. I'm not needed anymore? When my usefulness is gone? You know my name. It matters to me - that you acknowledge me, don't forget me. I want to be seen. Not just one place...all places. As a person. For who I am. It matters. But I'll live without it. Because that's what I do. For the good of the people. Keep my needs quiet. I won't be here forever. But they'll live on. All of my love to you all.

I miss...him. And that's another story that had to end. I pray for peace for him. Lots of hockey fun. I remember.

I have other fears, worries. Pushed to the back of my mind at the moment. Guess I couldn't stay completely in the present after all. I don't have that ability. Can't forget a single thing. Can't keep hoping & wishing. I'm a realist...I hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

And maybe I should say nothing at all. It helps to write. Here, not in a journal. But this won't be forever. It all ends sometime. I'm here for now. Hold on to me while you can. I need it.


I have so much to do.

As I lay...

As I lie here in my childhood bed, in my childhood room, waiting for sleep to take me...I'm thinking of how much has changed. In my life, certainly, and in life in general. I'm not the person I was. Many of us aren't. Things change you...some for good, some for bad. And I can't say it was worth it. That if it hadn't happened, I wouldn't be who I am now. I don't want to be who I am now. I want to be better. Some things just have no reason.

Went to visit my grandparents yesterday. I want to cry. Already exhausted from the worries, the sicknesses. Anxiety. Driving. Hospitals. Elevators. He was sleeping...not alert, not who I know him to be. So small, so old.

I'm too tired write any more.