The world lost the most beautiful soul. But I have to believe that she's still out there somewhere. I had a dream that she came back...because that's what I want. But it didn't make things better. Because she had to leave again. Waking up was not pleasant. Maybe it will get easier in time, and I'll cherish these moments. Dreaming about my aunt was painful at first, but now it's a comfort. Maybe seeing my dog alive again, feeling her presence, touching her soft fur, will become one of those moments. A familiar face to guide me. The love outshining everything else...
I wonder if birthdays will feel the same. I gave her my day...I let her have peace. I would have done anything for her, given my life. But all I had to offer was the day God gave me life. My prayers. He couldn't heal her earthly body, so he fixed her the only way He could. I know. But I still want her here. I'm already not a big fan of getting older, being put on the spot. Having all that attention on me is hard...although easier now that I'm not as shy. But people still mistake my age. And I'm forever fearful of getting "that look" that says I'm crazy, I can't really be that old. Looks can be deceiving. Too many people don't look beyond the surface, only assume what they expect you to be. Don't look at the details, don't trust their intuition, don't get to know you before judging you. Talking behind your back. Putting you into a category you didn't ask for. People should really be thankful that I'm a nice, quiet person...I could start wars with all the stuff I know. What I've seen...about me, about others. I don't forget. And just because you delete a post when someone calls you on it doesn't mean they didn't already make a copy, a record for themselves. Remember that. It's better to be my ally than my enemy. Look at all I give, look at who I know. You're burning bridges by treating me (or someone I care about) unfairly. Being honest does not mean you have to be cruel. And it's pretty foolish to expect to remain in our lives after something like that. Especially with no apology, no explanation, no effort to work things out. Cutting ties because you're mad, because someone didn't take your advice or has a different opinion than you. Why are you better? Is it really worth it? Is it that easy to walk away? I guess if it is, they weren't strong enough to have me. Beliefs don't change. I can't trust someone who I can't trust.
Enough rambling. I've just been thinking of things. Feeling angry. A year, 2 years...I need to let it go. But I can't. And now I know why. I'm an emotional person, and every event in my life is tied to an emotion. So when I think of it again, I'm feeling what I felt the first time, like it's happening again. And no, it's not a choice and I can't just stop. All the years of being told to let go of the past, stop dwelling on it, move on. I could never do it, as much as I tried. But I'm not weak, I'm not less than others. I'm just made differently. I was meant to hold on, to love, to remember the special moments. The emotions. I don't know why it's always a bad thing. And even though I hate reliving the bad memories or mistakes, the unreasonable worries and doubts and fear, it's part of me too. And we have to learn from the past, it's what shaped us. Whether we like it or not. And sometimes memories are all we have left of someone. I'm holding on to that.
I'm tired. And scared. And lost. My heart is heavy with grief, my mind is cluttered with worries. They're mine. I'll figure them out. Step by step by step.
Nothing more to say. Just ask if you want to know. And don't underestimate me. There's more in me than you'll ever know. And it's my turn to speak. Listen.
13-23-33
