In my last blog post, I decribed the different forms of anxiety that I experience. But there are also different levels to each, increasing in severity. It affects how I function in my daily life. It has been years since I've had a full day without anxiety. I may get a few hours of clarity at the most. But usually, anxiety is a constant thing, just under the surface. Or like a friend who always has some kind of drama that they want to talk about and won't leave you alone. Anxiety is my best friend and my nemesis.
The levels of anxiety:
0 - Absence [No anxiety can be felt, complete clarity]
1 - Okay [Anxiety is under the surface but doesn't affect my daily activities]
2 - Struggling [Anxiety has been triggered and is starting to affect how I'm functioning, not noticeable to others but makes everything much harder to do]
3 - Suffering [Anxiety is a physical pain inside and constant mental anguish, everything hurts and it takes a lot of effort to function]
4 - Crazy [The most dangerous level - I cannot manage the anxiety in a healthy way, get impulsive, have intense internal pain that makes me want to scratch my face open to get it out]
I'm usually on the "Okay" or "Struggling" levels, on a daily basis. I can block the anxiety or use CBT techniques or medication to manage the symptoms. "Suffering" may happen a few times a month but usually only lasts a day or two. I very rarely feel "Absence", but it's so refreshing when I do. "Crazy" is what I fear, because I know that I might do something to harm myself and I don't like feeling out of control. Back when I was first diagnosed (2008), I felt crazy everyday. It was horrible. Medication is not a cure, but for me, it does help. It helps me become more myself, by removing the clouds in my mind and smoothing out the rough edges.
