Blueprints

My love life has followed a predictable path, which I have only realized recently. I thought that dating guys of different ages, races, backgrounds, from different cities, meant that I was doing something different each time. It wasn't my intention to have so much diversity, I'm just attracted to many kinds of people and dated men that I had a connection with. And some that I didn't. The underlying goal was to find "the one" and I never knew in what form he'd appear to me, so I took chances on guys I wasn't really into, because you never know. What if he's who I'm meant to be with and I just don't know it right away? What if? But of course, they never were. And now I won't take those chances, because I know how my heart works. If the spark is not there for me in the beginning, it won't be there for me later. But the problem is, even if there's no chemistry, I still care for the person and may want to see where it goes. My heart is able to love in many ways. Friendship is still a major love. And nice guys have asked me out. But that trait is not enough of a reason anymore. The possibility of "what if" isn't enough. Even the caring is not enough. Because it's just settling. If I'm not excited at the prospect of dating someone, I'm not going to do it. That's the new rule. Because, why shouldn't I have something that makes me happy? Don't I deserve to get what I want and be with someone I'm attracted to? It can't always be about what they want. They want ME so I'm obligated to give them a chance? No. That's not fair to anyone. I'm nice, but I deserve more than disappointment and discomfort and guilt and trying to please everyone else. Of course I want a "nice guy", a good-hearted man, but there has to be a connection too. He has to see my worth too. He has to be supportive and fight for the relationship and love me unconditionally too. I can't do it all on my own. Not anymore. I know what it feels like to be so completely in love and feel so loved back. I won't accept less than that. I already found who I thought was "the one", so I'm not searching for that anymore. That's over and done. Maybe he wasn't good for me and too many things were wrong with the relationship, but the outcome doesn't matter because my heart doesn't have that desire to search anymore. I'll wait for what comes to me. If it doesn't make me feel good, I don't want it.

And I know that most relationships don't start out as a big love affair and you have to get to know someone, but that's the point too. I have to want to learn all about them and want to spend time with them...and they have to want that from me too. It's easy to fall into things and brush aside the bad parts and ignore the red flags. Or to just date someone because they're there and the best option you have at the time. I'm not one for leaving someone for someone better and have never broken up with anyone, but it has happened to me almost every time. I'm the one who stays and wants to keep trying. They leave.

And maybe that was for the best (as much as I dislike that phrase). Because I would have kept trying...beyond emotional abuse, beyond toxicity, beyond indifference. I would have kept trying to find a way to make it work. Because that's my nature. I don't give up. Even when I should. So they break me and leave me and I'm forced to let go. Which I do. I don't go back. I'll give my all to the very end, but when I'm done, I'm done. That's why it's so hard for me to get over it. It's not just the feelings or the disillusionment ending, it's the finality of the loss. It's a death for me. So I grieve, for a long time.

Occasionally, they come back. Which is not something I ever experienced before 2014. No one ever came back before. When they go, that's the last time I ever hear from or see them again. Hence the part about it feeling like a death. They disappear off the planet as far as I know. No bumping into exes in the grocery store, no late night calls saying they miss me and want me back. Never happened in the past. I've never gotten back together with an ex. I've wanted to, hoped and prayed that it would happen, but no. All of my friends, everyone in the world, talked about getting back together with exes. Phone calls, reconnecting on FB, etc, etc. What was so wrong with me that no one ever wanted me back? People would say to me, "when you hear from him again, say this..." Or, "have you heard back from him yet?" Yet? What's that? Like it's even a possibility? Doesn't happen, even if I was weak and contacted them again. No reply. Until these last two guys. I don't know why. Things are different, I'm different, I know my worth now, so they can see that I'm special and want me in their lives in some way? I guess. But they came back, at various times. Unexpectedly (and not quite welcome, at first). My 'False Prophets' blog post talks about what happened when I considered going back. Some people get second chances (or 3rd or 4th) and can make it work the next time. I'm a romantic, I believe in that. Like I said, I used to hope for that each time. But it can only work if both people are invested in the relationship and put the work into fixing the things that were damaged before. That didn't happen.

Sometimes you get closure, or at least a chance to talk about some of the things you didn't get to say before. I held onto a lot of pain over the years. Usually I have to just let go and move on, without really knowing why it ended. Or the reasons don't make sense to me. I am incapable of suddenly losing feelings or interest in someone, so my brain can't comprehend it when someone else does. How do you just stop caring or loving someone? How do you just change your mind? I can't, so I don't understand. But it happens. Or so it seems at the time. The reality is that there were fears and doubts and other factors in their personal lives that caused them to react that way. To give up or let go or search for someone else who fits a certain image. What we think we want isn't always what we need. Sometimes we're controlled by our demons and do what we need to do to feel comfortable. I understand that. And I appreciate it when someone admits that it was their issues that got in the way and not something I did wrong, or that I was in some way lacking, like I was originally led to believe. Not that I did everything right, but I tried to do my best. You have to accept me for what I am, because that's all I am. I think sometimes people have this image of what they think I am or what they think I will do, but I'm completely different inside. It's hard to get to know me and I hold a lot inside, but what I show you is genuine. What I tell you is the truth. And if I trust you enough to open up, then you'll know the real me. It can be intense. And it takes time.

I haven't dated that many guys. I've had a lot of empty years, a lot of loneliness. Especially when there's someone I want to be with but can't. I look young, so people think I have plenty of time to date around and figure this out. But I'm almost 38 years old and I'm tired of dating. Tired of short-term relationships and games. I'm too old for that. I can't do casual dating, it was never appealing to me. I want kids more than anything and I'm running out of time. Especially with these health issues...I don't know if that's even part of my future. But I want to try. I know I'm capable of raising a child on my own, but financially I can't right now. And anxiety is becoming a burden. But things can change, things can be overcome. I don't need a man for anything. But what's wrong with wanting someone special in my life to share things with or talk to or laugh with. To have someone that I want to have a family with and a life of my own. Someone who wants that with me...and is willing to go after it. And keep trying, keep working. Not give up. Accept me for me. Be there, always. It may not happen, but I can still want it.

I had to change my ways, shift my perspective. Say no to people I would have said yes to before. Put myself first and see my worth. What do I need? What do I want? What can't I accept in a relationship? What can I compromise on? In the past I compromised on almost everything. I could love someone despite their flaws. Maybe that's a good thing in general, but I didn't allow myself to be treated the right way. Because they didn't accept my flaws or care about my well-being enough to not hurt me. If they said something critical or acted like I was strange or too different (especially too quiet), too bad. That's the way it was. With friends, with family, that's what I was used to hearing. I expected it. I allowed it. I didn't know that I was any better than that or even that there were other people in the world like me. Or that I didn't have to allow or accept it. Some people will never understand me. I AM different. But that's who I am. And I don't need someone in my life who doesn't want me around or only tolerates me and looks down on me. I don't need anyone that much. No matter how I feel.

All of these things are factors in the types of relationships I've had, the types of guys I've dated...and why it never worked. But it goes back farther than that and what I just realized as the initial blueprint. Not one I chose, but happened because of circumstance: The guy who asked to take me to prom when I was 17. He was 19, had already graduated from another school and I met him through my cousin. The first guy who ever liked me. Guys before that mostly laughed at me or ignored me (I have a lifetime of self-esteem issues, but that's another story). This guy was sweet and cute and tall and didn't seem to care that I was quiet or awkward. We only saw each other in person a few times but we talked on the phone a lot. And he asked me to my prom. I was so happy. We talked on Valentine's day, then I didn't hear from him much. The next time that I called his house, his sister said he had moved out. Some issue with his father. I asked if he had another number, she said not yet. This was in 1996, before cell phones. He was my cousin's boyfriend's best friend, but they had broken up, so that wasn't an avenue for contact either. Now, I know what I could have done to track him down or keep trying, but I was a kid and didn't know what to do then. I kept waiting for him to call. But I never heard from him again. The months went by and I ended up going to prom alone...because I didn't want to say that I never went to my prom. It wasn't worth it though.

When I went to college, I met a lot of guys who were interested in me (a new experience) to the point where they were intimidated and literally ran away. But I was always "too quiet" and nothing happened but bad dates. My sophomore year was the first time I fell in love. He was a great guy, super funny, and we dated on and off for 2 years. But early on he admitted that he didn't want to be committed to anyone yet and would probably date other women. It was my choice whether to stay with him...and I did. So I comprised to get what I wanted and ended up not really getting what I wanted. Eventually he moved back to Georgia and stopped returning my calls. I tried contacting him for so long, just to talk it out. But no closure. Took 3 years to get over him completely.

But I tried again. And again and again, searching for the right man for me. And unfortunately, kept dating guys who were afraid of commitment or disappeared without a word or came on so strongly at the beginning and then changed their minds. Or were so damaged by their pasts, they couldn't trust anyone new enough to have a healthy relationship. Or some combination of those. It was the norm. It was my only experience with dating and what I thought I deserved. I could see all the other ways, the good relationships, the fairytales in my mind, but I couldn't attain them. I was always so disappointed and discouraged. Then came the time when no one was interested in dating me at all and if I even had a crush on someone, suddenly they were with someone else. Worse if they showed interest in me and I thought we were starting something, then nope. They have a new girlfriend (and a few times - she's pregnant). Lovely. Out of the blue, just like that? Every time. I felt like I was cursed. Like "Good Luck Chuck" without all the fun stuff first. I felt like everything was being taken away from me and my life was just a big joke. And then I had to watch everyone else, everyone younger than me get married and have kids...it's painful.

More heartbreak, low self-esteem, life traumas, etc. The past 10 years have not been kind. But there are good people in my life and the past 2 years have taught me a lot about myself. I had to rearrange my whole outlook on the future after my last relationship. Pick up the pieces put them back in a different way. I'm still hurting. But I know what I need and what I won't put up with anymore. I had to change. It's not all good things inside of me, but there's a strength that wasn't there before. I can walk away and not compromise. Not let myself be mistreated. Now you either value me or stay out of my life. Love me or leave me alone...

It's time to break the cycle.