My brain is broken. That's what this feels like. Something's off...has been for awhile. More fractures? An effect of all the deaths the past year? It couldn't help but change me. How do you stop seeing endings everywhere and start to see the beginnings again? Life is here...not in my dreams, where they are.
October starts the fall. November, December, January. The anniversaries, more...so many more this year. I miss them. Does anyone understand how hard this is? Give me a reason. Please give me a reason to keep going. Not just because. Not someone else's reason, someone else's life, family. I NEED my own. And I'm so tired of people telling me why I shouldn't feel this way. What I should do. Shut up! You haven't had to do it. You haven't lived with these memories. You don't feel what's in MY heart. If you were in this situation, you would not accept it so readily. I know it. But you have it...so you're above me, giving advice, criticizing my choices. I'm not stupid, I'm not uneducated. I don't need you to tell me. This is my reality. You can't even see me.
I'm angry. Still angry. Hurt and sick and sad and tired. Blue withdrawal. Other things. I'm trying very very hard to be ok with this. Listening to the updates and not saying a word, being supportive. I want to tell her to stop telling me. I can't deal with this right now. I can't. Always watching? The one thing I want most, have wanted for so long, the one thing everyone says I'll be so good at...I'm already good at. But my place is in the background. Standing back and watching. Smiling and applauding. Do you think you want this more than me? Could you possibly? No. But it's your right, your place. Not mine. Because I'm alone. I've failed. I don't have those things. I'll always be wrong. So I say nothing. I don't like anyone to see me cry...
I can do this. I can do many things. Just remember the fire. And that other choice. It would hurt them and I've done so much in my life to avoid hurting them. To protect them, to save them. Maybe that is my only purpose on this earth...what I can do for others. What parts of myself to give. I have a lot of dreams. It's where I feel alive. Where anything is possible and I get to touch the things lost to me, out of my reach...just for awhile. I can feel it like it's real. It is real. It's all I have.
I tried. I always try. And I lose. Guys only want me when they think they know me. They have a fantasy idea of what I'm about. I don't know why they get it wrong so often. I don't pretend to be anything I'm not. The way I am when you meet me? That's the way I am. There may be situations where I'm more talkative or confident or...whatever. But I have different moods. I can't always be "up". Don't think that you know me when you haven't learned a thing about me. And don't assume you know what kind of person I am or the things I've faced in life. You have no clue. I have to stop feeling hurt and guilty when people's illusions about me get shattered. It's not my responsibility to be what they think I am. I have flaws, I have bad habits, I'm not always nice. I don't like being told what to do. I don't tell people all of my businesss when I first meet them. Do you know how long it takes for me to trust someone? I'm honest, but I'm still reserved. It doesn't have to be a bad thing anymore. If you're willing to work on things and be patient and get to know me, it would be worth it. Communication, effort. It takes so little, but those things are most valuable to me. I do a lot for so many. They come to me. They trust me. I trust so few. Betrayal, abandonment. Why should I trust those who left me behind. I rarely ask for anything. I rarely ask for help. Because I know the price I pay. I know in the end it comes down to me...I have to help myself. I'm the only one who is always there. I shouldn't have to be. Not always. Not always.
But what do I deserve? My answer's different than others'. But the result's the same.
My brain's broken. And I feel numb. Then too much. The too much, I'm used to. The emotionlessness and indifference is not me. It's like becoming a robot. Not that it's in there and I can't feel it. It doesn't even touch me. I don't feel. Which means I don't care. I like not caring about everyone else...but it's not normal for me. I don't know what it means. Changes in the moon, exhaustion, some break inside of me from trauma? My brain flipped after Aunt Star died. So why not more fractures to my soul after losing everyone else? Isn't that understandable? Just cause I'm coping, doesn't mean I'm not in pain every day. You can't always see everything that people are going through. And most can't even feel it. I feel it from them, my family. I know their pain. But I'm not their body and it's not my responsibility to experience it for them. I wish I could take it away. I wish that more than anything. And I always pray for their peace and protection and happiness. Some people pray for me...and I'm grateful. I need it. I really do. I hide so much that no one sees and I'm so so tired of talking about it. I'm just tired. Tired of holding on and letting go. Tired of believing...and seeing how it's all a lie. Tired of loving. So tired. Will any man be able to love me, knowing all that I am? Will anyone step forward and tell me they want me, to stay, in all the ways I need them? I have guy friends who accept me and understand me and (say they) love me. But I guess they never think of dating me...because they're silent when I ask if anyone's out there. They're silent. And I know the truth. Words are meaningless. But so much matters. Actions speak. If someone wanted to be with me, they'd be here. There's no one here. Therefore..
I'll live...until I can't anymore. Fade away. Like before. Does that scare you? I'm sorry, I just don't care. I can't make it all better for you. Can you make it all better for me? Will you even try? I'm angry. I'd rather be angry. And I need sleep.
No peace.
I take care of myself. But I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't. But. We live the life we have. I'm still alive. That's my doing. I saved myself. I owe no one. Soon I won't want anyone. And then I'll be safe. Maybe I'll even have a future. My way. God's way. I'm just tired.
11:11
