I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. I guess "supposed to" doesn't matter. What is, is. I miss my dog. I don't know how to not need her. I want her back...how many times have I said that the past 2 months? I lost count. I wasn't really counting. I need her. How do I live without her? The world still doesn't make since. I had a dream again. That she came back. She was "dead" for 7 days, wherever they kept her (looked like those slide out things in the morgue...or the crypt in "National Treasure"). A box. But not like the box she's in right now, her ashes. Metal, she was whole. Had scratched on it from the inside...that's how they found out she was still alive. It seemed normal. She was home. Had an operation on her stomach, and it was whole again - not "separated". Of course the dream didn't last. I woke up. August 18.
I'm down again. But honestly, it's kind of better than that middle place I was in. I hate that middle place - not up, not down. It's not the same as being "stable". Stable feels good, safe, healthy. This is when something bad happens and you should be down, but the meds won't let you fall...or cry. I know it's what they're supposed to do, but sometimes you need to cry to release. Antidepressants don't take away the pain or fear or troublesome thoughts. They just keep your moods from fluctuating crazy and send "feel good" signals to your brain (ie. seratonin). But nothing in this world is going to make me feel good about someone I love dying, or my friends in pain. My heart hurts for them. And if the hurt has nowhere to go...you feel trapped inside of yourself. And happiness? I'm too tired, too worried to be that up. Can't let myself be happy when I'm this terrified about the future. I have no income...I had to borrow over $800 for rent from people who are struggling themselves. Am I supposed to be happy about that?
I need a job. Technically my column on Examiner.com is contract employment since I had to submit info for taxes. But after 9 months and 24 articles (which take me 3-5 hrs, including research and verifying info, links) I have not received a cent. Need about $10 worth of more page views to make it to the $25 mark (min for payout). Do you know what you can do with $25 when you're broke? I was hoping one of my friends or contacts would give writing a try and use me as a referral. The $50 bonus would guarantee payment. But I'm on my own. A lot of people help, they do. And I'm grateful. Because this is important to me. It's just not enough.
I have to get something that won't trigger anxiety (no retail - I still have nightmares). I need a job right NOW because I need money. But I'm not physically healthy right NOW. So what do I do? I do what I always do. But maybe, maybe if I can find the one that brings me joy just to read the ad, I can do this. Be safe & happy & healthy. Content and ABLE. I've applied to some music/social media/writing jobs. It's what I want. Where I am right now. I think about selling online again, make some extra money, like so many of my friends are doing. Guilty...not lazy - I just can't put my heart into it right now. Can't sew with anxiety, don't want to design right now. Soon, just not right now. What do I do? I have to push harder. I just need more time. And time ran out months ago. No more UC. There are options, has taken weeks, but... I'm doing what I have to do. I follow through.
Speaking of...
#AMIA - I have typed that so much the past few months...I'll never forget those letters :) Blue has great letters. We all get it. The new album is...intense. Emotional, powerful. And musically dynamic. I think they've reached a whole new level with this. Everyone's saying this is the best musically. I can't disagree. There's something very special about it. We felt it even before the singles were released...when all we had were the radio samples. And it's true. It is special. And heartbreaking and angry and loving and hopeful. I can't say I enjoy the explicit (and sometimes mean) language, but that's just me. I don't listen to stuff like that in general, never did. BUT I have opened my mind (and embraced my darker side) the past couple years, so I can adapt and accept, even enjoy. I admire his honesty and courage, always. I'm a contradiction myself. And of course it helps that I expected the album to be as it was. If you read/listened to any interviews, reviews, tweets, FB posts, or just paid attention to the band in general this past year...well, there were no secrets as to what the theme would be. Listening to it is a different matter, and it did take me a little bit to get past the personal and hear it as a music album. The whole thing has an 80's feel to me (which I suspected when The Chills was first debuted on 101X). Not really my genre, but I love music so I can appreciate mostly anything. I love the new sound. It's different, it's pretty, it's hard-hitting, it's just so so cool.
I thought about doing a review for Vivogig but I think I have to keep my personal thoughts to myself. Too many mixed emotions, too much drama already from fans. I'm not getting involved. I know this scene all too well. And I'm truly sick of it. People lose sight of what's really important. Get involved in other people's business, people they've never met or barely know. Choosing sides when there are no sides, just people trying to live their lives & survive, work out their problems between themselves. I just pray that no one gets physically hurt. Emotionally, I can't stop it. I can have compassion even if I don't agree with something or someone. I know enough to know there's so much more to everyone. I accept the bad and embrace the good. And I will continue to support the BAND no matter what. There are more people involved here, families. I respect them, I care for them. I've been through it all and I'm still here, right? I don't give up even during the darkest times.
I can't help but think about the past. Despite our common "enemy" (and how I wish he wasn't. But that's done)...this album sparks certain traumatic events from a different point of view (coming from the woman). The last line in the voice recording at the beginning of The Flight...those are almost the exact words I heard last December (along with many many more). Needless to say, it cut me deep...again. Like a stab. Or a slap. Cold. You flinch when certain words are being thrown at you. Public humiliation. Private pain. And you thought physical abuse is the only way to get a beating? Cycles, cycles, cycles.
But, I'm trying to get past it. I hope he can. And I pray that little girl is no longer put in the middle. She's the most important thing. Two loving parents. I pray that's all she knows.
Those are just my feelings. Not put on anyone. I just have to write. It lessens the terror a little bit. I pray for me too. Because I'm not well. I need to stop pretending I am. My heart to yours. Take me as I am. And give back the same. I deserve the whole, not just the pieces. I'm living. It's all.
