Thinking back to the days when we were too excited to sleep on Christmas Eve. We'd wake up at 5am and tip-toe down to our parents' bedroom, avoid looking into the living room and spoiling the surprise, and ask if we could go in now and open the presents. Of course they'd say it's too early and go back to bed. Usually we'd come down several times to ask, knowing they wouldn't agree until 8 or 9 o'clock, but too impatient to wait. When the time was right, we'd all go into the living room as a family and exchange gifts. Both of our parents wanted to be there to watch us open the toys...usually we'd have a few that we asked for specifically and also a surprise one that we didn't know. Eventually we remembered that the stockings would have surprises too and raided them for the candy and treats. Christmas and Easter were the only times we were allowed to eat candy before breakfast. We got to play for a couple hours, then had to eat and get dressed. Visited both sets of grandparents and we were allowed to choose one new toy to take with us to play with. The cousins did too and we all dressed up. Lots of food, maybe another present, playing together. I can still picture it; the warmth, the smells, the sounds. But with that underlying restless energy because we couldn't wait to get back home to our other toys. Luckily there was a long vacation from school.
As we got older, it became my job to decide when we got up on Christmas morning (or at least everyone would come to me and ask). I knew the rules and it was important to me that we all be together, so it had to be late enough for our parents to get up (because they had been up all night wrapping presents). I do like being in charge. Usually my brother and I would come to an agreement on the time and then go downstairs to get the twins up...who'd be sitting on their beds (or standing in their cribs, previously), eyes wide, waiting for the ok to go in and play with their toys. While I went in to tell my parents that we were getting up now. We could open everything except their surprise gifts until they got up too.
As the years passed, it became more and more about the gifts we bought for each other than the ones we would receive. Giving the perfect gift and imagining how I would feel when they opened it became my entire focus to the point that I would forget that I was going to get presents too, until days before. Nothing makes me happier than giving a gift that's appreciated. I pay attention and remember what people like, so it's important to act on that.
College, work, travel, made it harder to get together as we grew up, and things seem to get further and further away from the old ways. We weren't always all together on Christmas Day, but we'd still exchange gifts and visit relatives, eat meals together sometime during the week. I was always happy to come home with a new toy for our dog, and feeling like Santa with a bag full of presents to hand out to everyone. I don't have a family of my own, so I don't get to have the joy of watching my child excitedly open gifts. But I take pleasure in the things that I can. Harder now, as so many relatives are gone...both of my dad's parents. My aunt, 5 days after Christmas. My favorite holiday became the most dreaded time of the year in an instant, and for many years. The kids in my life, my nephew, bring joy and purpose back, but it's fleeting. Many, many deaths the past year. My dog is gone, all of my pets. Both grandparents, November and January, with another aunt in between. It's...unfair. We're hurting, trying to heal, but we're not allowed. Today, now... A year later, the first where they're all gone, when I have NO grandparents to visit or talk to. We're so fractured.
For me, it's hard to see the point of it all. The future. Who wants to live in a future where everyone you love is dead? I'm terrified. I can't lose anyone else and stay sane. But I'm just waiting.
I NEED a reason, a purpose. Someone to take care of, someone who needs me every day. Something to work towards, something to look forward to. Something to take the pain away and make life worth living...emphatically, without a doubt. Waking up to the sunshine as a reason to love life is fine, but it's not me. I need more than that -- and that's not bad or wrong. It's just what I need. There is no peace here. And why should I be thankful for pain? Life can be better than that. Than settling, being the same. I'll never be the same. And I may never be a part of anything more than what I am right now. It's cold on the outside...but I'm still here.
And today is Christmas. It represents goodness and miracles and doing loving things for others. It's about family and kindness and hope. It's about the best things. I hold onto that. I'm grateful for what I've experienced, what I've shared with others, the friends I've made. I'm brave and strong enough to stand on my own, and to stand up for what is right. I love deeply and unconditionally. I've made people happy. I've accomplished a lot and I don't give up. All of the bad things about me, the things inside, don't outweigh the good. I want better than this for the world. But I just have to live in it and make my way.
But today is Christmas. And I made it this far. I did.
~Nollaig Shona Duit~
