I don't feel like being honest or baring my soul. I give too much away. Many give back, but...why isn't it enough for more than a moment? Or a few hours, or a day? It's like I need to constantly be refilled with compassion and attention and approval. Although, I figured out, it's not really approval that I need (because I'm going to do what I want no matter what anyone else says). It's acknowledgment. A need to be seen and heard and accepted. To try to relate to me and understand. Believe that what I feel is real and serious for me. That no matter how stupid or crazy it sounds, they won't laugh at me.
I have high expectations about things. I try hard. I think people are worth the effort. I think feeling content with your life and making time for the people you care for is more important than money or a career or anything else. I believe that having a child is the greatest gift ever known...and nothing supersedes that. But that's how I feel. What is true for me. I'm very possessive and protective and hold on tightly to things that are important to me. Emotions rule me and that's what connects me to every object in my life. Things will always matter, I will always love. Losing it is a death. I exert so much control in order to PREVENT something bad from happening. Because I know how I'll feel if it does. I don't exaggerate...there are reasons. Being forgotten or replaced or betrayed is a devastation I cannot describe. I want too much. I feel inferior. Not jealousy, but insecurity. Fear. Confusion - why them and not me? Sometimes there's no reason. But I need a reason. I don't understand people. I suppose most don't understand me.
But I try. I always try harder than the last. Don't give up. Am I strong? I guess. But for how much longer? Does anyone even understand how much this hurts? Day by day. If you can say that every day's a blessing, then you've never been cursed. If you can say that life is a gift and be grateful that you woke up this morning, then you don't really know what it feels like to be dead inside...to feel it leaking out, trying to smother you. Is that a gift? Take it back. There's peace in sleep. Sometimes. You don't know. But WE do. This is how we exist, cope. Live. And you think us weak...
I don't have the energy to take care of everyone else anymore. I'm having the bad day...why are YOU crying? Why do I have to console you and tell you I'm ok to make YOU feel better? Tired of the guilt, pushing myself too hard, getting sick. I'm not responsible for anyone else's emotions or reactions. I'm sorry if you worry about me. I'm sorry I can't be what you expect or want. But I worry too, about everyone. I'm just told to stop. I can't. I want to feel better. It doesn't feel better. No more pretending. I can't protect you from me. I downplay situations a lot. Only say what needs to be said. Vulnerable - and I say too much. No one has seen me at my lowest...I'm not online then, phone off. I can't write, don't want to speak. Barely breathe. What you see is me on the way up. Scary? *shrug* That's just life, right? Not everyone can handle it. Please walk away or take a break...don't criticze and make it worse. Or pat me on the head and say it will be ok (it's NOT and you can't make that promise). Please just listen. Be there - prove it. Don't test me or push my buttons. I will push back. And then you'll hate me. But I'm tired of being the nice one. The giver, forgiver. Always there no matter what anyone says or does to me...good or bad. That's what people believe, and I let them. I let myself be relied on and used. Because I cared about them. I expected the same loyalty back. But it doesn't exist. And somehow I'm the bad guy if I don't take them back. If I shut them out, there's a reason. And they know it. They just don't think what they did was wrong enough. It was. I can't trust. You showed your true self...and I believe it now. Actions speak. But I don't hate anyone.
I can forgive, I can let things go. If you apologize, show remorse, accept my willingness to work things out. If I can look at the situation differently or get past it for ME. For my own healthiness. Then it can end well. I did that. I forgave and let go - all in the course of a night. So I could feel better and enjoy the show (& of course the apology helped later). But it wasn't about that. I felt the way I felt and I had to acknowledge it, accept it, decide not to let it use me, and get past it. Nothing goes away, nothing forgets. But everything doesn't have to hurt forever.
I can't change myself. I can change parts of me. Improve, adapt. But I'll always be me inside. Parts that no one will ever get to see. We all have secrets don't we? I keep them. That won't change. Some things are too important, some lines should never be crossed. It's all about right and wrong in the end. I'm not always good...but I'm not often bad. Don't look at just one side of me...or you'll be disappointed. I'd give you the moon, but "I'm worth more than the stars." I have to know that I matter.
So, milestones. The biggest one was achieving a weight goal...getting to a number I hadn't reached in almost 5 years. Since my aunt died. But I'm still up and down. Well, maybe I'll get my curves back again. Not that I had them long to begin with. But it was nice. When you've always been skinny, with clothes that didn't fit, maybe you can't see that as beautiful. The way other people do. I'll admit, someone who's healthy and in shape is physically attractive. But underweight is not healthy. I want a womanly figure. So...
The concerts, many musicians. Proud. Blue Blue Blue. Yeah. Friends. Being appreciated. Thank you. Seeing one of my favorite actors in person...watching him do something that makes him truly happy. So many good memories. The writing paid. I worked harder than most people know...without a job.
Some bad ones too. Deaths, sickness, financial failure. My own issues. But...graceful dancing still.
Let's have the rest of the year be better than those past, huh?
Happy Holidays??
