Lost

Feeling very lost today. Very alone and helpless. I know I have lots of support, a lot of people who can relate to what I'm going through and understand me. But I'm single, I'm the only one who handles my responsibilities, the only one who makes the daily decisions in my life. I can turn to people for advice, but they can't do anything. They have their own lives, their own families. My parents help a lot...financially lately. But they can't take away the worries, they can't stop the bill collectors from calling...and now a law firm has left a message. I'm only about 6 months behind in my credit card payments and I send money when I can. But I can't pay the full monthly payment, so they say it's not good enough. I've been on payment plans that I can't afford, I've had them deferred. That runs out and I'm more in debt than when I started. It's not worth it. But I'm tired of the fear. I'm not someone who runs away, not someone who ignores what must be done. But I have. I'm turning into what I once looked down on. This isn't me. But what can I do? Call a credit counseling place? Did that before, when things weren't so bad...and they treated me horribly. All I wanted was information on how it works, the options outlined for me. But they tried to pressure me into making a decision, signing up with their company over the phone immediately. There was no counseling involved in that process, no talking over the options, no asking whether working an extra shift would help, or could I get a loan from someone. There were 2 choices, both of which would affect my credit negatively...and I still had time to fix it positively. But they didn't care, it was this way or that way and if you don't do it, you're "not serious about getting help". I don't jump into anything without research, without being sure. I kept saying that...and they wouldn't let it go. I told him that I'm not trying to be rude, but I'm not interested and I'm going to hang up now. He called back and left a nasty message on my answering machine. It made me feel harassed. I sent an email to his superior...don't know what came about it, but they stopped emailing and calling. But you can see why I hesitate to go that route.

But now things are worse. I have no credit. The good saver who always paid her bills on time has become someone who can barely make rent, who has no money for food, who is too sick (mentally and physically) to handle a job...or just getting out of bed at times. I moved here to save myself...so that I wouldn't kill myself. I moved here because of the racial diversity, the beauty of this area. Because I felt safe and comfortable. But I can't afford it...and so I'm in debt. But if I go back to what was...I won't survive. The anxiety beats me down, I feel strangled as soon as I step foot in that city. I hate to look at it. I only visit because my family lives there. And to be honest, the only reason I don't hurt myself is because I wouldn't want them to find me that way. My aunt's death devastated us all...and that was from a blood clot. If I take my life or do something self-destructive...it'll kill them. I won't do that. I'm the one who's supposed to sacrifice for them, supposed to hold all of the pain, to take away their suffering. I would give up my life for my friends and family...if it would save them. I would go away forever...if it would make their lives better. I leave "him" alone, so as not to burden him with my craziness. So he can be happy. I just wish I could make people happy instead of ruining their lives. I try to be good, I give, I care, I help. I love so deeply there's barely room for it all. I love those who turn away from me, who hate me for what I am. Because...because I can't help it. It's me.

I'm in a bad place. I have ups and downs. Good days. But I'm so far behind. Falling so far. I want to go away. I will be going away...taking a break from "this life" and seeing what's out there on the other side of the country. I feel guilty and scared and excited. It's wrong to ignore the problems and go somewhere that will make me feel better. But I need to. I need my friends...and they need me. I need my Blue. Whether they can see me or not. I wish...I wish he cared and would be happy this time. But the music sustains me. Saves me. I mean that literally. When I'm on the edge, when the dark thoughts are drowning me...they pull me back. They keep me here. I thank them for that. Never can I give what they give to me. I try to show my love in my group. Everyone knows how I feel. I wish people understood that it's a good thing to feel this way, to be this devoted. Some do. Maybe it's jealousy that I came out of nowhere and got this far, made this much for them. I do it out of love...not charity, not craziness. I'm not a crazy psycho fan. I'm just a girl who loves music. And appreciates good people. I would never hurt them. I protect them. No one knows the whole story. No one knows what's inside.

I feel better now. Because my friends on Twitter responded to my cry. They help. Everyone helps. No matter what happens, no matter what I say or do, please know that I'm grateful for every single one of you. All those on Facebook who changed my life -- who gave me life. This new place, where I can be me. All the gifts, the kind words, the messages, the talks. The smiles. I love you all. I'll try not to disappoint you. But I can't promise. I'll keep trying, long as I'm able. I'll keep going.

I'm looking forward to a good thing. Please God, don't take it from me. Please answer my prayers. I have to pray for me this time. Save them all...as always. But save me too.

Away

I want to go away.
Where the losses won't touch me.
Where the air lets me breathe.
Where the wounds heal.
Where I only feel...peace.

Is there a place?
Where I can be free?
Where I can be me?
And be loved...and hugged.
And held when I cry.
Where no one will hurt.
Where we all fit.

I want to be there.
Now.

As We Go Along

I haven't written in a while...not because I haven't had a need to, but because I couldn't find the words. My life has been full of ups and downs. I'm moody and overemotional by nature. I worry too much and I'm a light sleeper. That's just me. But the extremes -- the major depressive episodes or anxiety or panic attacks or mental/physical breakdowns are not the real me. Although they are a part of me. Since starting the new meds a month ago, I have been more balanced. Not depressed and less anxious. I feel like I have control -- that's the important thing to me. But I've had my sad moments and let the worries take over. I can't stop it from happening, but I can fight against it. With meds, with thoughts, with time. I keep trying.

I read something today that upset me. It talked about changing negative thinking to positive thinking, which is a good thing and something I'm working on. But it also said that one reason to change yourself is because negative people are a "drag" to be around and no one wants you in their lives. They will avoid you and cut you out. I've experienced this in the past...and probably will again. It hurts SO much. To know that people think that of you. That the reason they don't like you is because of how you're made inside, not what you've done. You're not a bad person, you're just not quite good enough. That the only solution is to change who you are. Yeah, I can understand why no one wants to read the same complaints over and over or gets tired of hearing that every day is a bad day for someone. But if you care about that person, none of that should matter. You support them through the good AND the bad...no matter how bad. Especially if you know that they're not just complaining or being dramatic for attention. If you know that they have an illness or are going through a low period in their lives. You know the circumstances and you can relate. So, if you know all of this...why turn your back? Why criticize? Why hurt and make them feel ashamed? Why choose to keep certain friends and not others? Why? But they do. Because they don't want to see it or don't want to accept it or they feel that you're not worth the extra effort. You won't do it their way, so there's no way. I know this. And I still hold on to those people who have already let me go. I'm working on that too. Because, as they don't need a person like me in their lives, I don't need a person like them in mine. I'm not obligated to be the good girl all the time, the agreeable one, the forgiver. I'm walking away now...and those who love me are already by my side, walking with me. I'm not alone. And I'm grateful for that.

And let it be said -- no one brings me down. I pick people up when I can, encourage them. But either way, I always listen, I always support -- no matter how bad. Because everyone needs a friend. Everyone deserves love and respect. And we all deserve to speak for ourselves -- whether positive or negative. If you keep all of the negativity inside, it eats at you, destroys you. I let it happen to me. And I'm not anymore. So it comes out. No one has to read it. I'm not forcing anyone. I don't put my problems in anyone's face...they stay on my page, on my blog. It's their choice whether to let it in or not. I'm no longer taking responsibility for anyone else's reactions or emotions. No longer protecting everyone from my "ugly side". I have to live my own life, my way. And be free.

So where am I today? Still trying to figure out where to go from here. How to get to the place where I want to be. The ME I want to be. It's a long journey, with a lot of pitfalls ahead. I will fall. I will fail. But, I know how to pick myself up and try again. Each time I succeed I go to the next level. Each time I push myself past my limit, there's always a little more beyond it. I keep going. And I intend to be happy. Maybe only for a day or a week or a month. But I will be happy. It's not the end result for me anymore...it's the journey now.

Discovering Me

I saw this illustration the other day and realized that I am this bear. A lot of my friends are bipolar, and although I can relate to most of what they're going through, I don't KNOW personally. I only have the depressive side, not the manic side. I'm either on the horizon line or below it. I have happy days, of course. Happy moments. But I don't have that joyous high that some describe. That feeling of invincibility, the racing thoughts, the rapid speech and mannerisms. I have anxiety, which makes me feel like my thoughts are racing, my heart is beating fast, and I want to run around in circles. Or beat my head against the wall. But there's nothing pleasurable about it. It's not depression, but it's scary and emotionally painful. I'm more impulsive when I'm in that state and I'm afraid of what I'll do. I hate the loss of control that anxiety brings me. And that question: What's wrong with me? Why is this happening? Little things trigger it, such as stress or worry or frustration, but sometimes it seems to come out of nowhere. I can't always predict when it will happen. And for the past couple months, I couldn't control it without my medication. My "PRN", as needed pill, Xanax. I hate to rely on anything and I hate to be unable to control my life in any way. I'm fiercely independent. I can't stop the thoughts from coming, the panic, the irritation, but in the past I could calm myself with some deep breaths and by rearranging my thinking. Seeing the positive things, having hope that the next hour, the next day will be better. Just putting the situation into perspective and realizing it's not the end of the world. I could do it before, but then after April, I could no longer. More death. Always seems to steal me away from sanity.

I'm on different antidepressants now and my baseline is much higher, so I feel more stable and upbeat and I'm able to pull myself up when I have those moments of weakness. I will fall again, I will be depressed again. It's inevitable. That's why I'm the "uni-polar bear" and not the "bi-polar bear" -- because no matter how happy I am, no matter how "up"...if something bad happens, down I go. Always. The difference is that when my moods are balanced, I don't stay down very long and I'm able to put the worries aside to concentrate on what needs to be done. I can function in society and no one would know what's inside. Except that I don't hide it now, I speak about it. I need to. It helps -- not just me, but others like me. We're all different, we all have our struggles and traumas. Different backgrounds and childhoods. Different relationships and events that shaped us into who we are. But the common factor is that we all feel, we all have pain, and for those of us with these illnesses...we have no control over how our brain functions. I know there are other techniques and treatments that can help manipulate those signals...I'm still learning about them. I've learned a lot through others and my own research. And just by getting to know myself better. Realizing why I react a certain way or behave a certain way in a situation. Looking back on the past to see where the dark thoughts started, where the anxious feelings came from. And looking inside myself to know why it keeps happening. Bad habits, self-esteem issues, uncontrollable emotions. It's all a part of me and some things can't be changed. Others can. And the rest can be improved upon. Because I really want to be better. Maybe I can never be "normal" or mentally healthy, but I know I can be better than this. I'm still searching for ME.