"True compassion is not just an emotional response but a firm commitment founded on reason. Therefore, a truly compassionate attitude towards others does not change even if they behave negatively." - Dalai Lama
I've been working on compassion...trying to react to situations with love rather than defensiveness or anger or frustration. Showing mercy...giving, loving, helping when someone least deserves it. It's very hard sometimes. I fall, I fail, I still have grudges. I'm not able to do it for everyone yet. Maybe I'm not supposed to.
I'm unsure everyday of what I should do. I seek guidance. I need help. I'm the giver...but I need to be given.
I don't know if it's possible for any person to help me, love me, take care of me the way I need it. No one has tried. Not completely, whole-heartedly tried. I am cared for when there is extra time, when they have extra to give. There are other focuses in their lives, other priorities. That's the way it is. I don't come first...I never have. I take care of myself because I'm the only one who will, always. I've learned that. What choice do I have? If I reach out and they turn away...or worse yet, minimize or belittle my suffering, what choice do I have but to take care of myself? I've been "making myself better", fixing myself since I was 14. I asked for help but help was not given. So I developed a game face, learned how to appear human and well. Even now, people see me smile and say I look so happy. It's ridiculous really, how easy it is to fool people. Without even trying, just by coping. Sad that they can't see behind the smile. They won't look.
Some do...some see it. I have lots of support, lots of people who let me know I'm not alone. I reach out, I vent. I don't keep it all inside like I used to. I do better now. I have healed in some areas. I still have a long way to go. And I don't trust easily. I protect people from the worst of me. I minimize the seriousness of the pain. Not everyone can handle it. And sometimes I get tired of explaining.
Who wants to know, really? I do. I like getting to know people, issues and all. But I'm strange. I like to help. I'm able to even when I'm suffering myself. I have a switch...or a lever. I can be so low, so in need, barely hanging on...but if I encounter someone else in need, my compassion switches on. I feel the lever lock, click, and my strength builds. I can tell them what they need to hear...I can listen, support, be there for them. I felt it yesterday. I felt my body do this. My mind opened. I was consciously aware of it. How much I can do is not much. My strength was still very low, my mind was not clear. But I'm able to be a friend, compassionate, merciful, loving. It's easy to care when someone is hurting. Family, friend, stranger, animal. It's easy to have sympathy and empathy and compassion. It's easy for me to help others when I cannot help myself. That's why that saying is so ridiculous to me: how can you help/take care of someone else if you don't help/take care of yourself first. And the other, how can you love someone else if you don't love yourself. It's easy. It's so easy, I do it every day. Love is love...how I feel about someone else is not based on my mood. It's just there. It comes out of me, regardless. It used to make me so mad and frustrated when people said those things. They just don't GET IT. They think I'm wrong for arguing, because their way is right, in their minds it's not possible. But it is. I do it all the time. Other friends do it all the time. We put aside our own needs and help someone we love. We do what needs to be done. Out of love, out of kindness, out of need. So how is it not possible if we just did it? How did we love someone else and inspire them and help them out of their low place when we were low ourselves? How did I take care of my niece when I had a kidney stone or bad cramps or pain from ovarian cysts or when my world was falling apart in October? I could barely function, barely feed myself, my mind was SCREAMING, but I still took care of someone else. Because that's what you do. You put aside your own pain and you help someone else in need. Even if it's not a responsibility, even if it's not a necessity, if I see my friend hurting, I automatically want to help. So I try. I give what I can. I have to...I have to try. Because, what if I'm the only one who does? What if I'm the only thing standing between life and death. I can't let them die, I can't let them suffer and be lost if I can stop it. I have to help. And beyond that, I want to help. It's a need. It's my nature. Maybe it's not healthy to put someone else first so often but that's the initial reaction. It hurts me more if I don't help.
But I realize now that not everyone has that need, that level of compassion and overwhelming empathy. And even if they do, even if they want to help, they may be unable. They don't have that switch that lets them turn off their problems and give that strength to someone else. They don't have it to give. They have to focus on their own issues and help themselves because that's what they need to do. They can't help anyone else, they have nothing left. Because I am able, it's hard to understand when others don't help or turn away. I reached out yesterday...I needed him...but he couldn't help. Because his own needs were too great. I know this, I know he's struggling, more than me. I know this and I love him, so my compassion switch turned on. I had a moment of disappointment and hopelessness, then my strength increased and my focus was on easing his suffering. I don't know if I did, I don't know if I helped. Maybe I made it worse by being too helpful, too controlling, too smothering, too nurturing. I just offered my support, my love, my time. Those are good things. But some people find that off-putting. I try to fix things and they don't want to be fixed. That was the past, one person who had a problem with me. But he didn't love me, didn't accept me or understand me. This is now, this is different. He does understand. He does love me and accept me and know me. But still...I don't know. I got scared that he was in a bad way, scared that I could lose him, so I held on...gave all I had to give. He didn't take it, didn't reply. I can't let that matter. I gave my all, I tried. It's all I can do. I tried. He knows I'm here. Maybe I shouldn't be. Maybe it's too much...too much pain and instability for me. But this is what I'm supposed to do now. There's a reason for this. I have to stay true to that, that faith.
I'm hurting. My heart is hurting, my brain is hurting. Because I lost a friend. And I didn't even know he was gone. He died in October and I didn't even know. I didn't find out until Saturday night. How did I not know? No one told me because they didn't know we were close. And how close could we have been if it took me 4 months to check up on him? How did I not know? All these months. My friend is gone forever and I didn't even know. I was in shock and disbelief until yesterday...then I cried. But it still doesn't seem real. And who can I talk to about it, who can I ask. Everyone else has been grieving for 4 months, they've moved forward. Mine is just starting, like it just happened. But it didn't. He's been gone this whole time. I feel stupid and guilty...I didn't do enough, wasn't there enough, didn't love enough, didn't talk enough. I remember his voice, I do. He helped me, he gave me different perspectives. He understood the struggle with depression, anxiety. He got it. He had it. So many problems. But I thought he was ok, I thought he was still out there. How did I not know? He's gone forever. I could never have handled it if I found out the week it happened. I was in a bad place, already barely functional. Like I said, my mind was screaming. I already lost something. I couldn't have handled another loss. But all these months? I don't know. It's hard to feel this helpless. What can I do now? He's gone.
Where is my life going? I don't want to think about that. I put so much pressure on myself. I'm trying to change things, move forward, do right. I'm struggling. I'm unsure. I know what needs to be done, but a lot is still questionable. I gave too much and let too much happen. I thought it was right...it was right. Is it still the right thing to do? To stay, to hold on? He's not holding on to me. How much longer can I fool myself. But it's a bad time and bad times can get better. I don't give up. But I can't stay in this place. I can't continue to be unhealthy. It's not my fight. He has to make his changes, he has to work on things. And I have to step away and work on myself. I try too hard and give too much to everyone else. I keep trying and trying and trying. But not forever. I deserve more. I deserve to be held and cherished and fought for. Shown love. I understand that the illness is preventing that right now. I understand. I'm trying to understand. Compassion and mercy. I am very tired though. And I keep forgetting, other people keep forgetting, I'm doing all of this without medication. It's hard. And this is the first S.A.D. season without it. The first fall/winter since the year after my aunt died. I was on antidepressants for 8 years. I've only been off for 7 months. I'm still learning how to cope without that backup. It's going to take time, it's going to be hard. I lost a lot of weight. It's not going back on so easily. My appetite is low, having blood sugar problems. I don't look the way I want to look. I can't afford to lose any more...I don't want to be sick all the time again. This isn't healthy for me. I know. I have to make changes. I have to keep the negative things from affecting me this way. I'm doing my best. Maybe I need to do better. Or different. Take some time away from trying so hard. I can still be compassionate and supportive and take care of myself too.
Let go...let God. Trust that it will all work out. Have faith in what I cannot see. Believe, pray. I have to do what feels right to me. Try.
