False Prophets

"Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves." (Matthew 7:15)

"We all, we all, we all have sorry hearts..." - Blue October/5591

Pieces of my thoughts:

You know how if you're having a nightmare and when you first wake up it still feels real and your heart's beating fast and you have to calm yourself down and tell yourself that it was just a dream? And maybe you're afraid to go back to sleep right away because you might dream about it again?

That's how anxiety is, except you're awake. And sometimes you can't calm yourself back down, no matter how much you tell yourself it's not real. You know rationally that it's not actually happening but your brain won't let you believe it. It keeps circling back to: "Oh my God, it's going to happen, it's going to happen." You FEEL it.

Obsessive thoughts.

I don't like them. Mostly I get the anxiety where I feel everything. Where everything hurts, physically. But for the past year I've had the thoughts too. Stark fear. I don't like it. Is it because I've been off medication for more than a year? Or because of all the dating mishaps, all the broken pieces I had to put back together in the past year? Or because I had something very real to lose...that I was afraid to lose...that I did lose. Holding on doesn't keep someone who wants to go away. Love means nothing. Words mean nothing. And nothing again.

It was a combination of things, I suppose. It doesn't matter. This is my life, I have to live it. This is reality, I have to deal with it.

I got past the worst of it. I was ready to move on, open that new door. And the one behind me opened again. He came out. He came back to me as the man I prayed for him to become. He was better. I actually started to believe...

But I was wrong. A wolf in sheep's clothing? Coming back as everything I ever wanted? Or maybe I was meant to see it, meant to hear the loving words, meant to get the answers I sought all of those empty months. And meant to process through my own feelings, the unresolved things. And the things I already knew. I didn't go back...but I wanted to. I would have. I needed him to prove that he really was that man, that things changed. I needed him to be there for me this time. I really needed him to be there. But he disappeared. It's what he does. I know this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let myself open up again. He's my weakness...and I love him. But I respect myself too much to get back into a situation that will hurt me...again. I don't know why this happened, why he came back if he had no intention of staying. If he couldn't make an effort for more than a few days. Did he feel rejected because I didn't jump at the chance to be with him and fall in line with what he wanted? Is that what all these other little girls did? That's not me. I needed time. I was honest. Did it matter? Does it matter now? What is the point of this?

I didn't need extra stress, not now. He came back the week before my surgery. I had so much to deal with already. Why would he put me through that when he knew? And treat me the way he did before, when he said he was wrong to do that before.

I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of this. I'm so tired. Tired of men, tired of false hope, tired of blood, tired of pain, tired of being tired and afraid. I'm afraid. I don't know what's in the future. Will I ever have kids? Will I ever have a stable life? Will the good things ever stay?

Please let the good things stay. Please help me. Please give me a reason.

I'm so tired of feeling sick and in pain every day. I didn't post anything (on FB) about my surgery two weeks ago because I didn't want to explain or go into details. The thought of it brought me terror and I barely talked about it. Two months of fear before it. For the reason and the act. The day of was scary and overwhelming and I had a panic attack (I don't like needles). I thought I was healing afterward but it's apparently going to take a lot of time. I barely have the strength to do anything at all and I'm too vulnerable and my mind feels broken. Abandonment issues. My anxiety makes me worry about everyone else to the extreme, every day. It's too much inside. I'm so tired of all of these hits and tests and trials and heartbreaks. Can I be done now?

I am grateful for things. My family and friends who have helped me and accommodated me. The fact that I can take off work on the worst days and stay in bed and rest. That there's someone who can take over for me. I'm grateful for health insurance. I just looked up the amount of the bills for the checkups and lab tests and surgery procedure...it was in the thousands. I'm grateful for music...Small Town Titans, Blue October, so many others. Ashleigh Stone, who inspired me. Tufstrings (Ryan D.)'s album, which has been the soundtrack of my nights. "PRN" was what got me through and out of that panic attack. I'm very visual...I could picture the notes and rhythms, see him "stomp" the way he did at the shows. It worked. Music saves me, every day.

I was ready to move on, ready to start down a different path. Maybe I wasn't meant to go that way. Maybe that's why this all happened. I don't know. I don't understand. More questions, less answers. Or maybe I'm not asking the right questions...

Maybe I'm where I'm supposed to be. I do know that the point of this health matter was to find it early and remove the affected area before it got worse. I know it was necessary.

Why did he come back? So that I could know that I was loved? That I wasn't wrong - everything I believed before, my faith, was true? Ok, I know it now. Maybe he'll come back...he always comes back. Maybe we all just need more time. God needs more time to work. I need time to heal. He needs? Time to become ready? For what I need? It's possible for him to become that man. I know it. I still believe in him. But I know what I deserve and I can't accept less.

I don't know where I am or what I want. I know who I am but I'm not that person right now. I'm not at my best. This goes beyond my "ugly side" but that's there too. Not much of a game face lately. Depression comes and goes.

My dog is here...I love her so much. She's a handful and has worse anxiety issues than me. But she's here. I'm grateful for the kids, my niece and nephew. I miss them. That was my routine, taking care of them. And I can't handle it right now. I miss Carter too.

I'm tired. But can't sleep. I feel lost and confused. I want things to be right. Good things to stay. Better days. Time passes.

And maybe time forgets. (Deep Ella song)

I'm second-guessing myself, having doubts. But writing helps.

Praying for better days ahead. And the strength to do what needs to be done.

A new year, starting now...

Written on June 23, 2015:

Today's my 37th birthday. Most people don't know how old I am because I look younger than I am. I always have. I didn't really realize it until I was 13 and someone thought I was 10 years old. Not what someone just starting their teenage years wants to hear. My most important young milestones were marred by incorrect assumptions and careless attitudes by people who seemed eager to tell me just what they thought of me: when I was 16, I looked like "a little kid". Not very sweet. On my 18th birthday celebration, someone I just met said she thought I was 12. Really? That felt cruel at the time. Also the fact that guys my age thought the same, that I was young and boring and not worth the time. Any time throughout the past 2 decades that I told anyone my age, they gave me "that look" and either didn't believe me or thought something was wrong with me. So, birthdays (and my age, specifically) have not been something I talk about or look forward to. I'm an introvert, so all the attention is hard to handle as well. And my dog, Lazy, died on my 33rd birthday, so that's another reason to feel some dread at the approach. Bad memories.

But today, I had an epiphany: why not look at it as a new year, a new start this time. People always say to have a great year, because a birthday is a mark of another year of life. I never really looked at it as a New Year type of thing though. But why not? The first 6 months of this year have been terrible, heartbreaking. So why can't the next 6 months be better...a new chapter, a new year. I can look at it that way.