Is writing the way to go? Or music promotion? Guess I'm doing both...
Blue October brings their acoustic tour to Philadelphia
Vivogig Guest Post: Blue October in Philadelphia
It's been an Amazing week. So much more than I can even describe.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
How do I get past this?
There are some scars you can't see. Some wounds that never heal. But they are real.
"Emotional abuse is a devastating, debilitating heart and soul mutilation. The deepest lasting wound with any abuse is the emotional wound."
I'm not a poet...and most of the time I feel like people don't get what I'm trying to say. But I seem to have a way with words. Must be all the stories in my head. I'm not so good at talking...lack of confidence, have to measure my words, reserved nature. But I do what I have to do. I can lead, I can supervise, I can manage. I can excel. I'm just not what people expect.
Is that the reason for all the conflicts? Why someone who calls me a good friend can change that to a failure of a friend within a year? Why they think it's necessary to point out my every flaw and belittle me, cut me down, make me small? I know I'm a sensitive person, but I didn't overreact. And I didn't deserve it.
I didn't know the first time...with the first one. It hurts more to lose someone you love. To have them look at you that way. To look at them every day knowing that you're not..quite..good enough. When you have to be a different person for everyone around you.
And the other...I can't talk about it, even almost 6 months past. I can't talk about it. And I can't forget how good of a friend he was to me. How much he changed my life, gave me something special that was always waiting for me. Music. And I gave it my all. Anyone who knows, anyone who was there, knows how much I gave.
I could understand anger, I could understand him being upset. But the things he said, the way he said them...and the fact that he found delight in ridiculing me in public. How do you ever get past that? And worse, how do you forgive the ones who sided with him...who thought my pain was unreasonable. I was the monster, I was lectured. And then...I'm supposed to keep you? How?
This is just my side. My story. Who's do you expect me to tell?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's So Difficult
It's so difficult to look at you, knowing how you feel about me
Why am I a mistake, why is the bad all you see?
You say that I'm crazy and then just lock the door
As you turn away you don't see the way the pain cripples me to the floor
I wish I could be the kind of person you want in your life
Never causing you burden, disappointment, or any ounce of strife
I can't change who I am to be better for you
I can't make you care for me the way I need you to
I don't want to lose you, I don't want this to be the end
I pray for you to understand and want to remain my friend
But I can only wish you happiness and a life of joy for now
You don't want to deal with me so I'll step aside somehow
Know this though, you'll be forever in my heart
Time won't erase the memories and of me you'll always be part
Facebook note - by Nicole McMillan - Friday, May 7, 2010
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
No Words
You came to my house and I invited you in with a smile. You smiled back and we talked for awhile. But I must have said something wrong because suddenly your smile was gone. In your hand was a bat and you swung it fast and hard. Beating me, beating me, beating me until I fell to the floor. Then you beat me some more. "You got what you deserved," you say. "You need to learn." My hands were shaking, my heart was breaking, my soul began to burn. You left. I cried out to you, "You're right, I'm sorry, I won't say another word. I promise I'll stay away." But you came back and said "Don't worry, we'll talk, it will all be ok." I cleaned up the blood, but lay there in pain. I couldn't close the wounds. Not yet, not again. You kept knocking on my door. And I kept letting you in. Sometimes I didn't say a word, sometimes I did and you beat me again. I started to believe it...that I was nothing to him at all. I didn't know who to ask for help, they said, "Well you shouldn't have set him off." At times I thought the only solution was to disappear forever. But strangers and friends came by to clean my wounds and make it better. I couldn't let go, he had been so good to me, the love was all I could see. My best friend for so long...and I thought he would come back again. I gave and gave and gave my heart and asked for more time to repair it. But one more slap, that wasn't fast enough. And I could no longer bear it. I took what was left away and sat down quietly. I didn't tell my family until it was over because I didn't want them to see me bleed. Now I wait for the pain to pass and try to understand...why is it ok for someone to hit you with words, but not their hand?
Facebook note - by Nicole McMillan - Wednesday, December 22, 2010
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I need therapy...I know it. To manage the depression and anxiety if nothing else. Cognitive behavioral therapy. I have to train myself to think differently. I've already done some on my own...without knowing what it is. In the past. And I know that the things in the last 4 years have deeply scarred me. Events from childhood have shaped me. Probably have PTSD and a dozen other things. I have to be comfortable with what I do. But I will do it. I want to be better.
I already edited this. Too much personal info. Not that they'll be around to care. And I'll still regret speaking of this after it's posted. Because I'm not an outgoing person. And I can't write a simple short blog. It has to come out. Because it's hurting me by staying inside. And maybe I want my new friends to know why I am the way I am. Why I don't trust. Why I can't just believe the words. Words are easy. Actions are hard. There are many who have proven themselves by their actions. And I owe them more than I can give...I'll never ever forget what they did for me. How they stood by me, stood up for me. Faced so much toxic opposition for ME. For me. But I'd do it for them. Some things are just right to do. Sometimes you just have to do what's morally right. Especially for those you love. Thank you for being there.
I may delete this. But right now I'm too stressed and anxious to care. My emotions are blocked. Manic phase? I'm just a unipolar bear anyway. Tired.
I don't want to lose readers/followers/friends. I say too much, with too much emotion. But I have to be me. I don't want to hide who I am anymore. I know it would be easier, but it would hurt so much more. This is the right way for me. For now.
But I'm not crazy. I'm just complex.
"Emotional abuse is a devastating, debilitating heart and soul mutilation. The deepest lasting wound with any abuse is the emotional wound."
I'm not a poet...and most of the time I feel like people don't get what I'm trying to say. But I seem to have a way with words. Must be all the stories in my head. I'm not so good at talking...lack of confidence, have to measure my words, reserved nature. But I do what I have to do. I can lead, I can supervise, I can manage. I can excel. I'm just not what people expect.
Is that the reason for all the conflicts? Why someone who calls me a good friend can change that to a failure of a friend within a year? Why they think it's necessary to point out my every flaw and belittle me, cut me down, make me small? I know I'm a sensitive person, but I didn't overreact. And I didn't deserve it.
I didn't know the first time...with the first one. It hurts more to lose someone you love. To have them look at you that way. To look at them every day knowing that you're not..quite..good enough. When you have to be a different person for everyone around you.
And the other...I can't talk about it, even almost 6 months past. I can't talk about it. And I can't forget how good of a friend he was to me. How much he changed my life, gave me something special that was always waiting for me. Music. And I gave it my all. Anyone who knows, anyone who was there, knows how much I gave.
I could understand anger, I could understand him being upset. But the things he said, the way he said them...and the fact that he found delight in ridiculing me in public. How do you ever get past that? And worse, how do you forgive the ones who sided with him...who thought my pain was unreasonable. I was the monster, I was lectured. And then...I'm supposed to keep you? How?
This is just my side. My story. Who's do you expect me to tell?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's So Difficult
It's so difficult to look at you, knowing how you feel about me
Why am I a mistake, why is the bad all you see?
You say that I'm crazy and then just lock the door
As you turn away you don't see the way the pain cripples me to the floor
I wish I could be the kind of person you want in your life
Never causing you burden, disappointment, or any ounce of strife
I can't change who I am to be better for you
I can't make you care for me the way I need you to
I don't want to lose you, I don't want this to be the end
I pray for you to understand and want to remain my friend
But I can only wish you happiness and a life of joy for now
You don't want to deal with me so I'll step aside somehow
Know this though, you'll be forever in my heart
Time won't erase the memories and of me you'll always be part
Facebook note - by Nicole McMillan - Friday, May 7, 2010
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
No Words
You came to my house and I invited you in with a smile. You smiled back and we talked for awhile. But I must have said something wrong because suddenly your smile was gone. In your hand was a bat and you swung it fast and hard. Beating me, beating me, beating me until I fell to the floor. Then you beat me some more. "You got what you deserved," you say. "You need to learn." My hands were shaking, my heart was breaking, my soul began to burn. You left. I cried out to you, "You're right, I'm sorry, I won't say another word. I promise I'll stay away." But you came back and said "Don't worry, we'll talk, it will all be ok." I cleaned up the blood, but lay there in pain. I couldn't close the wounds. Not yet, not again. You kept knocking on my door. And I kept letting you in. Sometimes I didn't say a word, sometimes I did and you beat me again. I started to believe it...that I was nothing to him at all. I didn't know who to ask for help, they said, "Well you shouldn't have set him off." At times I thought the only solution was to disappear forever. But strangers and friends came by to clean my wounds and make it better. I couldn't let go, he had been so good to me, the love was all I could see. My best friend for so long...and I thought he would come back again. I gave and gave and gave my heart and asked for more time to repair it. But one more slap, that wasn't fast enough. And I could no longer bear it. I took what was left away and sat down quietly. I didn't tell my family until it was over because I didn't want them to see me bleed. Now I wait for the pain to pass and try to understand...why is it ok for someone to hit you with words, but not their hand?
Facebook note - by Nicole McMillan - Wednesday, December 22, 2010
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I need therapy...I know it. To manage the depression and anxiety if nothing else. Cognitive behavioral therapy. I have to train myself to think differently. I've already done some on my own...without knowing what it is. In the past. And I know that the things in the last 4 years have deeply scarred me. Events from childhood have shaped me. Probably have PTSD and a dozen other things. I have to be comfortable with what I do. But I will do it. I want to be better.
I already edited this. Too much personal info. Not that they'll be around to care. And I'll still regret speaking of this after it's posted. Because I'm not an outgoing person. And I can't write a simple short blog. It has to come out. Because it's hurting me by staying inside. And maybe I want my new friends to know why I am the way I am. Why I don't trust. Why I can't just believe the words. Words are easy. Actions are hard. There are many who have proven themselves by their actions. And I owe them more than I can give...I'll never ever forget what they did for me. How they stood by me, stood up for me. Faced so much toxic opposition for ME. For me. But I'd do it for them. Some things are just right to do. Sometimes you just have to do what's morally right. Especially for those you love. Thank you for being there.
I may delete this. But right now I'm too stressed and anxious to care. My emotions are blocked. Manic phase? I'm just a unipolar bear anyway. Tired.
I don't want to lose readers/followers/friends. I say too much, with too much emotion. But I have to be me. I don't want to hide who I am anymore. I know it would be easier, but it would hurt so much more. This is the right way for me. For now.
But I'm not crazy. I'm just complex.
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