People tell me, "Keep trying, keep trying, keep trying. Don't give up." But sometimes when you've worked so hard, you just want a break. Why does everything have to be a fight? Why does EVERYTHING have to be hard? Why are those the requirements for my life?
I had a dream this morning, where I was so tired...I could feel how tired I was, feel the pain and frustration and disappointment...that no matter how hard I worked, no matter how much was done, it wasn't enough. I needed sleep but I couldn't stop -- there was so much left to do and it MUST be done. I wanted to cry in my dream, cry on the outside, because it hurt so much. Pages and pages to write up, print. Essay questions? Some kind of homework...college? It doesn't matter...other people were depending on me. Always depending on me to make things better. Do it, be there. Would anyone even notice if I disappeared forever? Would they miss who I am, or what I do for them?
It got messed up -- three lines didn't print right at the top of the page. So many more pages to do and I have to redo that one. Or maybe I can add those 3 lines/numbers to a different page. It turned into something else then, as dreams do. I can still feel it...
I'm disappointed. The "job" I thought I had, that I was so excited for, just isn't coming together. Every category that I apply for (separately from the initial application), I get rejected. Not eligible, don't meet the minimum requirements. Except I do. And I keep trying, giving of myself. And it means nothing. I've been trying for 2 months. I thought it'd give me Christmas money...it didn't. Pending, then rejection. I thought it was the answer that I needed. I don't know now. It's just hurting me, not helping. I am really trying -- to be better, to do better, to contribute to society, to make my life mean something. But I'm sick, I'm low. And I don't believe anymore. I have hope, but no expectations. Too much has happened, too many people have let me down. Pretty words, promises, intentions, but nothing at the end of it. I'm so tired of listening. Caring. Trying.
Too many deaths, too much loss. It changes you...how could it not? I just want a break. All of my effort to produce something. To make life matter. I want to fall in love with someone who is able to love me back and wants to work towards a future. I give so much, I love so many so much. I don't ask for anything. But I expect to get back what I put out there...it's minimal, it's what you do when you care about someone. You show them how you feel, you give compassion, you're there for them. It's what you do. It's what I do. People tell me I'm worth it, I deserve better, I deserve to be happy. But then they walk away, back to their own lives. And I'm alone again. It's all just temporary. They give me their time when they have extra...it doesn't belong to me. What do I have? Infinite time to give? Endless support? Don't tell me I'm worth it, prove it! Prove it, so that I know without a doubt. So I don't have to wonder or wish or pray to keep it. To keep you. I love...and I lose. And people tell me to keep trying. I wonder if they would do the same if they knew, if they felt what I felt. Really knew what was inside me every day. Hardly anyone knows, and no one knows all. I'm the queen of secrets. I protect, I take care of...everyone but myself. Everyone knows that.
I'm tired. In that way that sleep won't cure. Tired down to my bones, straight through my soul. I'm trying, I keep trying. It's who I am. But how long can that go on? This isn't life, this isn't living...just accepting pieces. I may never have the life in my daydreams. I may never be a mother or a wife or number one in anyone's life. I may always be one step removed, on the outside looking in. Always taking care of other people's kids, loving men who choose someone else. This isn't life, but I understand it. I'll never accept it. But I understand it. I live this way. I take care of what needs to be cared for, do what needs to be done.
People are grateful...and I'm grateful for those who appreciate me. That's all I can do. Be what I am. And hope for the best.
