I want to write about something happy. I really do. But I'm not happy, and that would be worse than pretending; that would be false. My world keeps being shaken, turned upside down. I don't even know if I feel the events separately anymore. Just a continuing, lasting numbness with periods of intense grief. I'm trying not to think about it, trying not to cry. Because I know the pain that will come...and I'm afraid that once I start, I'll never stop. I don't like to cry in front of anyone. My family has rarely seen it since I was a teenager. And it would take a complete meltdown or catastrophic event for me to show someone I don't know well my tears. I'm an emotional person and talk about feelings more than facts. That's true. But I keep a lot to myself. I hold back, stay quiet...and deal with it on my own. Alone. No one knows. I protect the people I love from myself. And protect myself from the questions and criticism and lack of understanding. Or I just need space and I hide in my shell. I can shut down, keep my face blank and be calm. It's protection, so I can cope and deal with what needs to be done. But it's not indifference. Because I feel TOO much and I need a way to get through it. I can't lose control. Not me.
I don't want to play the victim. I don't want to blame others or get defensive when I feel attacked. I don't want to hurt anyone. But I have. Not on purpose. If someone hurts me in some way, I just want them to understand MY pain. I don't seek revenge. And this is my life. It's not a game. I don't make up the rules...I just keep trying to survive it.
I have life. And I am grateful for so many things. I'm not trying to waste it. I'm trying to be worthy of it. Make a positive difference in this world. But so often I think of what they (those who are lost) would do with it. That's the thing...I know who has it worse, and I would do anything to take away their pain. I can't help but feel it. And those who have no life left...I would give them mine. Because I love them. And I want them to have all they deserve, more life.
But they're gone. Never to return. That's the hardest part - the finality of it, the gone forever. I miss them all...and I can't let go. How can he be gone? Why is she not on this earth? She belongs here. I can't believe he's gone. It's Christmastime. It gets harder every year...more holes. We're left with only the memories. But...we have no choice. We deal. Keep moving on.
Happiness? Blue October tour in the spring. Friends who love me. Family that wants me around. Helps. I do my best. And here I am. In the sun...
