Is it another storm? Life seems to echo the weather lately. Gloomy days to navigate through, periods of sunshine. Repeat. Bad times interspersed with good moments. I went after those good moments. I made the most of what I had. I had fun. But, it takes a lot to get there. Alone. I'm tired.
Thanksgiving was actually better than I expected, and I handled difficult situations well. I think I did well. Even the anxiety took a break and didn't make being in a roomful of people - with too many sounds (talking, football game on TV) and smells (food) - unbearable. I had persistent headaches, which kept me in bed for a time, but I still made an effort. Most people don't understand just how difficult that is. How much mental energy it takes to appear human. Appear well. When inside you know you're not.
When inside you're crying and sick and sad and numb. When you just want to curl up into a ball and shake...and breathe. Disappear from the world. Find peace. Or maybe it's the day when you want the pain. Because it's real and familiar and you deserve it. We don't always want to feel better, get better. Not everyday. Some days the pain is the only thing that we feel loves us, knows us. Accepts us, as broken as we are. Because it's always there...when no one else is. And happiness only comes to visit. Never stays permanently. I guess it's not meant to.
Today is not such a good day. I'm keenly aware that my grandparents were absent this year. It feels strange. It feels strange knowing that last year, at this time, was the start of the end. It's surreal. It's an emptiness with no ending. And I'm consciously aware of the fact that there are holes in my father's family as well. Didn't see my uncle and aunt much, but I feel the loss of. I loved them all. And I'm sorry that I couldn't do more. I would give you all I have.
So tired the past few days. Too many worries, not enough sleep. Yesterday I was detached from my emotions and felt numb. I don't like it. But in some ways it's better than 10,000 emotions at once. Today I'm feeling too much. Lost, confused, empty, scared. A lot to do. And I don't want to face it. I can't resolve it, can't solve it. Just keep it at bay a little longer and plan what to do.
Looking for a job. But hard finding the right path. I will not settle, I will not go back to what was. I think I'm old enough to do something that makes me happy, feel proud of myself. What's the point otherwise? Writing is special. I do want to continue it. But, through a different channel, I suppose. One that will pay me for my completed work, rather than me begging for enough page views from acquaintances. And falling short (one payment in 2 years, with 30+ articles? I just can't..). Music, art, fashion, networking, research, sales, management...it's all part of me. What requires my attention presently? Whose time is it? I'll have to find out. And still do what I do everyday. I work hard at the things I love. And I've made many wonderful friends. I like to help, I like to share. But I'd also like relief from this debt. I take the steps, I do what's necessary, contribute when possible. But I need more help. I need another option. I'll find it. Praying for strength.
I am thankful for anyone who reads my words with their heart and listens with their soul. Or tries to. Effort goes a long way with me. Just try.
