Fear of failure

"Often the difference between a successful person and a failure is not one has better abilities or ideas, but the courage that one has to bet on one's ideas, to take a calculated risk - and to act." ~ Andre Malraux

I think as humans we tend to concentrate on our failures rather than our successes. Even when you try your best, hope for the best...if the best doesn't happen, that's what we see. The darkness overshadows the light. I'm not an optimist, but I'm more optimistic than people think...or than I thought in the past. I have so much hope, even in the worst of times. I keep trying again and again...if one way doesn't work, I try another way. I see the beauty in the little things and believe in impossibilities. I believe in my friends, my family, anyone who has a dream or a goal or a plan. I believe that they can make it happen. Sometimes it doesn't happen -- not the right time, just not feasible. And that has to be accepted (although no one has to like it). But I'm also a realist, maybe even pessimistic. I overworry, overstress, have thoughts of accidents and fears of deaths. The "what ifs". Well, that's just my nature, and I can overcome it. I know what's real and what's not. But I also don't let myself get involved in something that I know will be harmful or wrong for me. And I'll try to stop others from doing the same if my intuition, my heart, God -- whatever this is -- tells me to.

I've been thinking about life. My life, and what I've done...what I hope to do. And whether any of it really matters at all. I've changed. I just don't see things the way I used to. To take a line from 'Shattered', one of my favorite songs by the Cranberries: "And all the things that seemed once to be so important to me, seem so trivial now that I can see." People, things don't matter so much anymore -- if I lose them all, I'll still be here. Alone, just me. And what has really changed? I have friends now, more than ever in my life...and a few really great ones. But nothing is permanent, people leave. People die. People hurt you or abandon you or things just don't work out. Sometimes you just lose touch or move on. It's not always bad...but it's still a loss. A hole inside. And I don't want anymore holes. So I try to not care. And I can now. I know there's a way out...another option. Not a good one and I wish it wasn't so, but it's there now and a part of me like everything else. And I know I can do it. But I won't...for as long as I can, with all the strength I have. But you have to accept that it's there. It's me. This is all of me -- good, bad, ugly, pretty. I have a lot of sides, I'm hard work, but you have to believe that I'm worth it, worth the time...or you can't be what I need.

I can see the value in myself. I know I deserve more than some people have given me. I know I don't always make the right choices or say the right things...but I AM a good person. I'm not a monster. I know this, rationally, but it's not always what I feel. And that's just part of this. It just is. I'm not alone in that...others have said they see themselves that way, other ways, so many similar situations, feelings. I'm not alone. And neither are they, not anymore. But really, all we can truly count on is ourselves...in the end. And I've been doing it for so long, it's hard for me to see there's another way. It's hard for me to connect with people and give that private side of myself, trust. I hold back, I'm reserved. Personality once again. But I have become something more than what I was. So much more. And that's what I was thinking about this morning -- what I've done, what I've accomplished.

I won't go through the years, won't even go into the Supervisor thing again -- although that's what I'm most proud of. What my mom said she's proud of me for doing. I worked hard, completed a lot of difficult and new tasks, overcame many fears, became a leader, and spoke my mind. I owe a lot to 'him'...for raising my confidence. And I'll always remember the good times.

But I want to concentrate on 2010 right now. Because the end was so devastating, so unexpected. And it's easy to look back and see all the drama and pain and disappointments and setbacks. The crazy making things, the triggers, the anxiety, the things lost. The dreams shattered. The "truth". My eyes are open now, I've learned a lot. From my mistakes, from the actions of others, from research and conversations and just LIFE. I'll take them as lessons. And the good things...I'll keep them in my memories. I am grateful. I am blessed. More lucky than I deserve. Because I had greatness. And I got a lot of it myself. I worked hard. Unpaid experience...and satisfaction. You make me smile...

The Best of 2010

♪ Went to 3 Blue October shows and met the band
♪ Got rail :)
♪ Met many online friends in person
♪ Flew on a plane for the first time, by myself
♪ Visited Utah - first time out West
♪ Overcame driving anxiety - I was determined to get to where I was going
♪ Reunited with old friends
♪ Made a lot of contacts in the music industry
♪ Recruited new fans to bands I helped promote
♪ Almost had my name in a CD cover for one of my favorite bands (a "Thank you" for my hard work)...removed for budget reasons?
♪ Had over 300 fans join my FB group
♪ Developed my creative talents
♪ Learned a lot about various topics
♪ Spoke out and stood up for myself
♪ Started a blog
♪ Got a position writing for Examiner.com
♪ Pulled myself up from my lowest point, after every setback
♪ Asked for help when I needed it
♪ Proved my maternal ability by giving my hamster meds and fluids every 2 hours for a month when she was sick (she improved briefly before she passed)
♪ Took care of my responsibilities on my own, no matter how difficult or how sick I was
♪ Inspired others
♪ Helped others
♪ Loved many
♪ Found value in myself
♪ Began accepting my "flaws"
♪ Moved on and let go
♪ Tried again

My goals for 2011

♪ Get a (paying) job
♪ Get out of debt
♪ Improve my health
♪ Learn to play the violin
♪ Visit Texas (Austin, Houston)
♪ Go to more live shows (esp. Blue)
♪ Spend quality time with family and friends
♪ Learn new things
♪ Start reading again
♪ Practice my Irish
♪ Try to relax more, take time for myself - and not feel guilty
♪ Do better, be better
♪ Fall in love with someone who loves me back (wishful thinking...or hope)
♪ Keep graceful dancing...