Starting again

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." (Unknown)

"In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends." (Unknown)


I have let go of the past. Let go of toxic friends. Let go of trust and belief in people who have shown their true colors. I know who to count on. Not everyone is bad or had bad intentions. They just made the wrong choices or thought they did what was best for everyone. But there's a difference between trying to stay out of the middle of a situation between mutual friends and completely abandoning someone in their time of need. Just as there's a difference in being honest and being verbally abusive. Words do hurt...anyone who says differently hasn't been completely shattered by them. Maybe they haven't been bullied or made fun of. Or maybe they were the ones doing the bullying. It's hard to understand how someone feels unless you're in their place. An innocent comment can bring back bad memories for someone. And if they're already down, it hurts that much more. Who's to judge whether or not those words should hurt them? Who's to judge how they should feel or for how long? Or whether they should forgive the person who said them? Is it someone else's place to make that choice? No, we each make our own choices in our own lives. Because, no one else knows what we've lived through. Everyone has secrets. And the relationship between friends or lovers or family is between them. How do you know the whole story?

I'm moving on now. Past the pain. Past the explanations. Past the past. I feel what I feel, live how I live. Some things I can change, some I can't. Some I won't. But it's no one's place to tell me how to do it. If you don't like how I live my life, stay out of it. If I make too many mistakes, wrong choices, if I destroy my life...it's not your responsibility to fix it or change it. Or criticize it. It's mine to do with as I wish. If you can help and comfort and encourage and fight for me - then I appreciate it. I appreciate all who were there no matter what. The others, who left, or who participated in the negativity, or who just stood by and watched...you made your choices too. And I owe you no part of my life. But that doesn't mean I'll cut you out of it. Do you see? Did you notice? Does it matter? I forgive, I give second chances. But even I have my limits.

Can you think of the worst possible thing that someone could say about you? Would you tell them 'Thank You' if they said it? What about your children? Would you stand by while someone said hateful comments about them, or to them? If they said they shouldn't have been born because you may have passed some "flaws" onto them? Do you have weight issues? Does heart disease, cancer, diabetes, high cholesterol, run in your family? Is it worth it to have kids if you have these damaged genes? Or is it only people with mental/emotional issues who shouldn't have children? Who will never find someone to love them? Because they struggle and overcome and have biological abnormalities that they cannot change or control. I cannot erase my "flaws", my DNA, my chemical imbalance. I was made this way...it was triggered, but it was always there. Do you expect me to change? Does this "truth" help me become a better person? Someone who can be accepted by you, by them, by society? How does beating someone down make them feel better about themselves? How does it make them stronger, how does it propel them forward to reach new heights of success? Or is it just about control...having power over someone? Hate does not help. And let me tell you, nothing I do is going to get me accepted by everyone. I could bleach my skin, change my eye color, wear different clothing, speak differently. It won't change who I am inside. My personality is the problem. Before, it was said I didn't have one...I was too quiet. Now I have a flawed one...I say too much, I have too many issues. I'm too nice, I'm not nice enough. Contradictions. And I am SO TIRED OF IT.

And that is why I'm moving on. Giving to those who are deserving. Giving to those who have been there -- right or wrong, good or bad, happy or sad. We don't have to agree on everything, we don't have to like the same people. But if we're friends, we have to accept each other...even when we don't understand. And you don't turn your back on them just because something better comes along. Someone with a higher status, someone who can give you "more". If they don't satisfy you, don't give you what you want, you move on to someone higher...or you come back to me. I don't do that. I may disagree with someone and not want to speak to them, but I don't shut them out of my life, I don't stop caring. Everyone makes mistakes...we are human, all of us. Fame, talent, beauty...that's nothing. That doesn't give someone the right to say whatever they please or treat someone like trash. And the "fans" fawn all over them and say that it was ok, it was right. No matter how bad. We're all people. We're all human. No one is better than another. And no one is less.

I understand wanting someone's approval. Not wanting to say the wrong thing for fear that they will shut you out, leave you, delete you. But there comes a time when you have to stand up for what is right. When you have to stand up for yourself or for another. Because it's the right thing to do. If the other lets you go for being strong...how much did you matter to them anyway? I can't change this. I've been through it before. I know how it works. I was not surprised, not about that part. But I was disappointed. And we can't go back now. Trust is earned...and I gave it too freely. I believed that when someone said they will always be there, that they meant it. My fault. My mistake. I DO know better. I've been hurt before. And still I have hope. That the goodness I see is real.

And so, I go on. Christmas is coming. And honestly, I just want it to be over. I want the rest of the month to speed through. The 29th doesn't even have to come. But it will. And I will get through it...we all will. I had happiness this week. It helped. Babies, animals...they help me more than anything. My music. I'm fine...still hurting, but I'm ok. I have to keep the negativity out. The words which crumbled me. I know better this time. And this time I wasn't in love. But I did love my friend...as a friend. For me, that's still a lot. And I gave everything...and would have given more. But, time marches on. And maybe time forgets.

I hope the new year will bring new opportunities. I like the writing, but I need money. I will get a better job. I will count on my true friends the way they count on me. I will promote my boys and help the others. I will keep doing things my way, being strong, fighting the fire. Although it helps...

I also hope the new year brings love. Equality. God knows what I need. I have faith. And whatever happens...I will not let anyone defeat me. I know I can be a good mother...I'm working hard to get to that place, but it will take time. I can do this. And my flaws? Well, let's just call them personality traits (thanks, J.F.). And if this is what gives me my creativity, my passion, my love, my empathy...then, maybe they're benefits.

I am a good friend. But no one has to benefit from that either. Choice.