This is a time of turbulence for many. I've been dealing with FB drama since the end of 2009. But it's gotten worse. I was the entertainment, everything I posted was debated, criticized. Even the good stuff. But there will always be someone -- who doesn't understand or agree or just likes to cause trouble. Get me fired up because they can. Get me upset because they can. It's so easy to hurt me...but it's even easier to make me happy. Little things. For me to get mad or devastated, it has to be a big thing. Maybe minor to another, but it my world, in my mind, it's major. And my focus is completely encompassed by this. I have tunnel vision -- can only see one way, the bad way, the worst possible scenarios. I have an imagination. And anxiety. At times I get these images in my head...like, what if I fall off of my kitchen chair and hit my head on the floor. What if I drive out into cross traffic. What if an incident happens to a family member. Fears, overworry. But at the time, for me, it's real. I have to consciously tell myself that it's not happening right now, not likely to happen, and I need to get back to reality. I can do it. One good thing I have control of. And I can handle the anxiety...when it's coming on. I can still function, hold it at bay, work around it. But if it doesn't go away (which is the majority of the time) I have to take a pill to calm me. Needed 3 today. One to go out to the store (because of the hypoglycemia and low weight and the weather/temp changes -- causes of the shaky feeling. Bone vibrating...hurts. 2 for...online stress, triggers. I just can't deal with certain people right now. It's painful just to look at them, see their names. But I don't hate them. It's just the hurt. I have to stay away from what causes me stress.
I've been holding back a lot. I don't know why I'm still expressing so much personal stuff on here...I guess because not many people read it. I don't really post on my other networks. This is private, but public. Some people could be objective if they don't know me. But I'm open and honest. I need to be. Maybe it's too much, maybe I still haven't found that balance. I'm pulling away. Instead of posting my immediate feelings on a status update when I'm down, I hold back and keep it to myself...deal on my own. Or write/talk to one of my friends -- the few that I trust.
Hard to believe what happened the past couple months. I wasn't in a good place before Utah, but I had so much fun. Then came back down. And around Halloween was the worst -- a lot of triggers, a lot of anxiety. I had to go away for awhile. And I almost didn't make it back. But I did. It may not be good...because I know I CAN and so many things don't matter. They can all go away...or I'll go away. I'll be over. I'll be on my own.
It hurts still. What he said to me, the "truths", the lies. But it wasn't just him. So many were involved...and so many believed. They respected him -- I saw the post, the words. I can't help it...can't help not trusting. He was more important than me. I vaguely know the band, have only had extended contact with one. And not the one everyone wants. How overwhelming it all is. I don't want to do that.
I'm sorry, for all those I've wronged. For the arguments and defensive behavior and unforgiveness. Because I just can't. If that makes me a bad person, then that's how it will be. I can't be the nice girl, always ready to help. I'm tired. Frustrated, disappointed, lost.
I'm exhausted. Emotional. Hormones. Wishes dreams, hopes.
If I can believe it, I can achieve it. But at least I will try. You can count on me for that. You can count on me for a lot of things. Do people forget? What I've given, how I've loved, been there for them. I care so much. But things are not as they seem. And I can't do what I did in the past. I can't be on there (FB) -- too many people, too many obstacles, too many heartbreaks and disappointments. Disrespect and distrust. I'm better than this. For all my flaws and personality traits, I care so much. I would fight for you. I would be you. I would trade you. Would you be me? I hope you'll never have to. It hurts, it's extremely hard. Pieces...all I get are pieces. Was it true? Not the away he said it, but what he said. I see myself in it...but I'm trying to not accept it. I'm always trying to do better. But he didn't need to be cruel. Just argue with me, I can do that. No need for psychological/emotional rape (I hate that word so much). Signs -- I knew something wasn't right, he was pulling away. But I didn't know. My friend is gone..in his place is a monster. I want him to come back, be better. But I can't talk to him now. Maybe never. That's what I lost.
I want to get the the point where I don't think about it everyday. But I'm reminded by the "friends" who stayed with me. Are they feeling guilty -- because they were against me and now realize they had no reason to be? I didn't attack them or hurt them or send them away. I'm better than this...better than him...better than the ones who don't stand. Stand for me. I respected him too...for so long. Don't you believe me? Didn't you see it? Why would you think I'd hurt him deliberately? I don't attack...I'm not evil. But no...not after he beat me down. Why did you say you respected him? He hurt your friend. Whatever I did or said...this man you don't know hurt your friend. And it was ok to you. But it was wrong. Do you see that? I needed you. I needed you to be there...you said I'd never be alone. What did I do so wrong to you? Why do people assume the worst of me? Does anyone know me at all? Don't confuse me anymore...
My latest article is on the downside of social networking. Appropriate with all the drama. It is what it is. I'm almost out of there...still have things to do and I don't want to abandon anyone. I'll let them know. I can responsible. And if people leave my life, then, I'll still be ok. I survived this long on my own. The cycle...I hope it stops.
Keep graceful dancing...
1:38am
I had to come back to edit and redo some parts...so many misspelled words...I can't allow that.
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