"I believe we can honor mothers without alienating others." (via Time Warp Wife blog: http://timewarpwife.com/?p=3120# )
It's just hitting me harder this year, sorry. Getting older, health issues, always on the outside looking in, taking care of everyone else and blocking the pain and thoughts. I wish my worth as a person was more than what I can give to everyone else, how I can help them move forward and heal, but right now, it's not. If it is, where's the proof? I am who I am. And I know my place, as much as I fight against it and pray for things to be different. I know. I don't want to take anything from anyone else or mess up anyone's happiness. I hold back on saying so much, for that reason. I'm the protector, the nurturer, the therapist, the healer. I give, I love. I just need some things for myself too. Not want, NEED. I'm incomplete. I just wish to keep one thing. I pray that I won't die this way. With an unfinished life, only for others. My heart hurts. Does anyone see?
I love the babies in my life. But they're not mine. And having a dog is similar to raising a child (my niece and my puppy act very much alike), but it doesn't make up for what is missing. The way one child can't replace another who was lost. It just doesn't.
It hurts my feelings (to the point of being offensive, sometimes) when friends say "this is for my "mommy friends only", or something "only a mother will understand". Do you mean only someone who has gone through labor? Do C-sections count, or only natural births? What about women whose only child died? Are they no longer mothers? What about those who are unable to carry their child, but get a surrogate? What about those who adopt or raise a family member's child as their own? Are single fathers included? What about those of us who have taken care of children most of our lives and do know the lessons/information/worries/fears/love that you only credit to your "mommy friends"? Are we less than you because we haven't felt that child growing inside of us or pushed it out for all to lay eyes upon it? Is that all a mother is? Is that all that counts? No matter how abusive or neglectful or just plain wrong a woman treats her child, is she better than others who haven't had a child? So, the fact that I was helping my parents take care of my baby brother and sister when I was SEVEN YEARS OLD and babysat for friends and family, fed them, changed diapers, wiped away tears, even drove them to school...you're saying I don't know what your post is about? I can't possibly relate? You didn't know anything about kids until you had your own, in your TWENTIES. I have experience and natural ability. I don't have to think how to love. I just do. But I mean nothing in this world of mothers.
Do you see why I hate it? Why I'm angry and hurt? The questions/statements/posts are never about the physical act of having a child - that I could admit to not knowing (although I understand)...but to say someone doesn't know what product to buy or what to do when they're teething unless they're a mother themselves is wrong. I'm a nanny - I take care of my niece for 8 1/2 hours a day, Monday through Friday, every week. Since she was 2 months old. I KNOW. Why don't people get that? How can they not know how insensitive it is? Those are questions. I have too many questions about too many things. And my heart is still busted, so not the best mood.
The blog link I posted above explains it all better than me anyway:
"Acknowledge the wide continuum of mothering.
To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you.
Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be
To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths
To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren - yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising – we anticipate with you
This Mother’s Day, we walk with you.
Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst.
We remember you."
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Thank you, Mom.
Thank you Grandma, Grandmom, my aunts, Godmother, friends...thank you.
That's all that really matters today anyway, right? What they are/were...not what I am/am not.
