Fear of failure

"Often the difference between a successful person and a failure is not one has better abilities or ideas, but the courage that one has to bet on one's ideas, to take a calculated risk - and to act." ~ Andre Malraux

I think as humans we tend to concentrate on our failures rather than our successes. Even when you try your best, hope for the best...if the best doesn't happen, that's what we see. The darkness overshadows the light. I'm not an optimist, but I'm more optimistic than people think...or than I thought in the past. I have so much hope, even in the worst of times. I keep trying again and again...if one way doesn't work, I try another way. I see the beauty in the little things and believe in impossibilities. I believe in my friends, my family, anyone who has a dream or a goal or a plan. I believe that they can make it happen. Sometimes it doesn't happen -- not the right time, just not feasible. And that has to be accepted (although no one has to like it). But I'm also a realist, maybe even pessimistic. I overworry, overstress, have thoughts of accidents and fears of deaths. The "what ifs". Well, that's just my nature, and I can overcome it. I know what's real and what's not. But I also don't let myself get involved in something that I know will be harmful or wrong for me. And I'll try to stop others from doing the same if my intuition, my heart, God -- whatever this is -- tells me to.

I've been thinking about life. My life, and what I've done...what I hope to do. And whether any of it really matters at all. I've changed. I just don't see things the way I used to. To take a line from 'Shattered', one of my favorite songs by the Cranberries: "And all the things that seemed once to be so important to me, seem so trivial now that I can see." People, things don't matter so much anymore -- if I lose them all, I'll still be here. Alone, just me. And what has really changed? I have friends now, more than ever in my life...and a few really great ones. But nothing is permanent, people leave. People die. People hurt you or abandon you or things just don't work out. Sometimes you just lose touch or move on. It's not always bad...but it's still a loss. A hole inside. And I don't want anymore holes. So I try to not care. And I can now. I know there's a way out...another option. Not a good one and I wish it wasn't so, but it's there now and a part of me like everything else. And I know I can do it. But I won't...for as long as I can, with all the strength I have. But you have to accept that it's there. It's me. This is all of me -- good, bad, ugly, pretty. I have a lot of sides, I'm hard work, but you have to believe that I'm worth it, worth the time...or you can't be what I need.

I can see the value in myself. I know I deserve more than some people have given me. I know I don't always make the right choices or say the right things...but I AM a good person. I'm not a monster. I know this, rationally, but it's not always what I feel. And that's just part of this. It just is. I'm not alone in that...others have said they see themselves that way, other ways, so many similar situations, feelings. I'm not alone. And neither are they, not anymore. But really, all we can truly count on is ourselves...in the end. And I've been doing it for so long, it's hard for me to see there's another way. It's hard for me to connect with people and give that private side of myself, trust. I hold back, I'm reserved. Personality once again. But I have become something more than what I was. So much more. And that's what I was thinking about this morning -- what I've done, what I've accomplished.

I won't go through the years, won't even go into the Supervisor thing again -- although that's what I'm most proud of. What my mom said she's proud of me for doing. I worked hard, completed a lot of difficult and new tasks, overcame many fears, became a leader, and spoke my mind. I owe a lot to 'him'...for raising my confidence. And I'll always remember the good times.

But I want to concentrate on 2010 right now. Because the end was so devastating, so unexpected. And it's easy to look back and see all the drama and pain and disappointments and setbacks. The crazy making things, the triggers, the anxiety, the things lost. The dreams shattered. The "truth". My eyes are open now, I've learned a lot. From my mistakes, from the actions of others, from research and conversations and just LIFE. I'll take them as lessons. And the good things...I'll keep them in my memories. I am grateful. I am blessed. More lucky than I deserve. Because I had greatness. And I got a lot of it myself. I worked hard. Unpaid experience...and satisfaction. You make me smile...

The Best of 2010

♪ Went to 3 Blue October shows and met the band
♪ Got rail :)
♪ Met many online friends in person
♪ Flew on a plane for the first time, by myself
♪ Visited Utah - first time out West
♪ Overcame driving anxiety - I was determined to get to where I was going
♪ Reunited with old friends
♪ Made a lot of contacts in the music industry
♪ Recruited new fans to bands I helped promote
♪ Almost had my name in a CD cover for one of my favorite bands (a "Thank you" for my hard work)...removed for budget reasons?
♪ Had over 300 fans join my FB group
♪ Developed my creative talents
♪ Learned a lot about various topics
♪ Spoke out and stood up for myself
♪ Started a blog
♪ Got a position writing for Examiner.com
♪ Pulled myself up from my lowest point, after every setback
♪ Asked for help when I needed it
♪ Proved my maternal ability by giving my hamster meds and fluids every 2 hours for a month when she was sick (she improved briefly before she passed)
♪ Took care of my responsibilities on my own, no matter how difficult or how sick I was
♪ Inspired others
♪ Helped others
♪ Loved many
♪ Found value in myself
♪ Began accepting my "flaws"
♪ Moved on and let go
♪ Tried again

My goals for 2011

♪ Get a (paying) job
♪ Get out of debt
♪ Improve my health
♪ Learn to play the violin
♪ Visit Texas (Austin, Houston)
♪ Go to more live shows (esp. Blue)
♪ Spend quality time with family and friends
♪ Learn new things
♪ Start reading again
♪ Practice my Irish
♪ Try to relax more, take time for myself - and not feel guilty
♪ Do better, be better
♪ Fall in love with someone who loves me back (wishful thinking...or hope)
♪ Keep graceful dancing...

Avoiding conflict

This is a time of turbulence for many. I've been dealing with FB drama since the end of 2009. But it's gotten worse. I was the entertainment, everything I posted was debated, criticized. Even the good stuff. But there will always be someone -- who doesn't understand or agree or just likes to cause trouble. Get me fired up because they can. Get me upset because they can. It's so easy to hurt me...but it's even easier to make me happy. Little things. For me to get mad or devastated, it has to be a big thing. Maybe minor to another, but it my world, in my mind, it's major. And my focus is completely encompassed by this. I have tunnel vision -- can only see one way, the bad way, the worst possible scenarios. I have an imagination. And anxiety. At times I get these images in my head...like, what if I fall off of my kitchen chair and hit my head on the floor. What if I drive out into cross traffic. What if an incident happens to a family member. Fears, overworry. But at the time, for me, it's real. I have to consciously tell myself that it's not happening right now, not likely to happen, and I need to get back to reality. I can do it. One good thing I have control of. And I can handle the anxiety...when it's coming on. I can still function, hold it at bay, work around it. But if it doesn't go away (which is the majority of the time) I have to take a pill to calm me. Needed 3 today. One to go out to the store (because of the hypoglycemia and low weight and the weather/temp changes -- causes of the shaky feeling. Bone vibrating...hurts. 2 for...online stress, triggers. I just can't deal with certain people right now. It's painful just to look at them, see their names. But I don't hate them. It's just the hurt. I have to stay away from what causes me stress.

I've been holding back a lot. I don't know why I'm still expressing so much personal stuff on here...I guess because not many people read it. I don't really post on my other networks. This is private, but public. Some people could be objective if they don't know me. But I'm open and honest. I need to be. Maybe it's too much, maybe I still haven't found that balance. I'm pulling away. Instead of posting my immediate feelings on a status update when I'm down, I hold back and keep it to myself...deal on my own. Or write/talk to one of my friends -- the few that I trust.

Hard to believe what happened the past couple months. I wasn't in a good place before Utah, but I had so much fun. Then came back down. And around Halloween was the worst -- a lot of triggers, a lot of anxiety. I had to go away for awhile. And I almost didn't make it back. But I did. It may not be good...because I know I CAN and so many things don't matter. They can all go away...or I'll go away. I'll be over. I'll be on my own.

It hurts still. What he said to me, the "truths", the lies. But it wasn't just him. So many were involved...and so many believed. They respected him -- I saw the post, the words. I can't help it...can't help not trusting. He was more important than me. I vaguely know the band, have only had extended contact with one. And not the one everyone wants. How overwhelming it all is. I don't want to do that.

I'm sorry, for all those I've wronged. For the arguments and defensive behavior and unforgiveness. Because I just can't. If that makes me a bad person, then that's how it will be. I can't be the nice girl, always ready to help. I'm tired. Frustrated, disappointed, lost.

I'm exhausted. Emotional. Hormones. Wishes dreams, hopes.

If I can believe it, I can achieve it. But at least I will try. You can count on me for that. You can count on me for a lot of things. Do people forget? What I've given, how I've loved, been there for them. I care so much. But things are not as they seem. And I can't do what I did in the past. I can't be on there (FB) -- too many people, too many obstacles, too many heartbreaks and disappointments. Disrespect and distrust. I'm better than this. For all my flaws and personality traits, I care so much. I would fight for you. I would be you. I would trade you. Would you be me? I hope you'll never have to. It hurts, it's extremely hard. Pieces...all I get are pieces. Was it true? Not the away he said it, but what he said. I see myself in it...but I'm trying to not accept it. I'm always trying to do better. But he didn't need to be cruel. Just argue with me, I can do that. No need for psychological/emotional rape (I hate that word so much). Signs -- I knew something wasn't right, he was pulling away. But I didn't know. My friend is gone..in his place is a monster. I want him to come back, be better. But I can't talk to him now. Maybe never. That's what I lost.

I want to get the the point where I don't think about it everyday. But I'm reminded by the "friends" who stayed with me. Are they feeling guilty -- because they were against me and now realize they had no reason to be? I didn't attack them or hurt them or send them away. I'm better than this...better than him...better than the ones who don't stand. Stand for me. I respected him too...for so long. Don't you believe me? Didn't you see it? Why would you think I'd hurt him deliberately? I don't attack...I'm not evil. But no...not after he beat me down. Why did you say you respected him? He hurt your friend. Whatever I did or said...this man you don't know hurt your friend. And it was ok to you. But it was wrong. Do you see that? I needed you. I needed you to be there...you said I'd never be alone. What did I do so wrong to you? Why do people assume the worst of me? Does anyone know me at all? Don't confuse me anymore...

My latest article is on the downside of social networking. Appropriate with all the drama. It is what it is. I'm almost out of there...still have things to do and I don't want to abandon anyone. I'll let them know. I can responsible. And if people leave my life, then, I'll still be ok. I survived this long on my own. The cycle...I hope it stops.

Keep graceful dancing...


1:38am
I had to come back to edit and redo some parts...so many misspelled words...I can't allow that.

Looking back...

Thinking about the past, the present, the future.

My latest Examiner article is titled "2011: A new year brings new opportunities". I even created a discussion post called "Making a fresh start in the new year", asking others to list some of their goals for 2011. But what about me? I'm working hard, trying to move forward. But I still feel like I'm moving backwards. Or standing still. I guess it will take more time...and time seems so short.

Looking back over the past year, I see so much pain. But I also see an amazing amount of joy. Was the pain worth the joy? No. It's a separate thing. My trip to Utah -- alone, my first time on a plane, first time out west -- was worth all the planning and worrying and courage. But only because I achieved my goals. And because it was the best weekend of my life. That was my reward. For hard work, persistence, and maybe because I deserved something good. I am a good person inside, I know that. But I'm not perfect. I have my mean side and my dislikes and annoyances. I speak them now. I didn't before...but that didn't mean that they weren't there. I just refuse to keep everything hidden. I refuse to let things go and let others walk all over me. It's NOT ok to hurt me and tell me to get over it. It's NOT ok to say you'll call and not follow through...and then brush it off like it's minor. Or say you're too busy to help/talk/listen/hang out...but do all those things with someone else. Actions show. If I'm not a priority in your life, don't pretend that I am and then ignore me. I'd rather you stayed away or be honest. I can't help if someone believes that my needs are trivial compared to theirs, that the events in their lives are more important, more urgent. That because I'm single and childless, that my life doesn't have as much meaning. That I'm expendable...and they're necessary. I understand that. I don't have as much as others my age. I feel like I'm missing something. But I have lots of things and people who give my life meaning, who show me that I have value. And that there's still hope. I'm not less than you. I'm not better than you. I'm just not you.

Maybe it's me. I believe that promises mean something, that loyalty and respect should be upheld. If someone hurts someone I care about, I fight and protect. You become my enemy...as simple as that. I have high standards, ambitions, passionate beliefs. Opinions of my own. I don't follow along if I know something's wrong -- for me or someone else. I don't make fun of people or look down on someone less fortunate or who has needs or issues that I don't understand. I accept. I try my best to be open-minded enough to see the other side. Sometimes I can't. But I'll let you know. I try too hard, I give too much of myself. But I don't regret it. I'd rather do too much than too little. I won't be the one who abandons a friend in need...even if they don't need me. I have to try. I always have to try. I bring people together...and then I have to stand back and watch them live, laugh, love, enjoy the new friendships...without me. I do feel left out, not good enough. They've moved on...to someone better suited for their needs. But maybe that's what I'm meant to do. Because I'll be gone one day. And they still need to live. "Victory of the people..."

Some see me as weak, some see me as strong. Maybe I'm both...or neither. Or a combination of the two. A combination of so many things. And that's me. A mixture -- of races, opinions, beliefs, talents, feelings, personality traits, likes, etc, etc. I'm not your typical Black girl. But that doesn't mean I didn't want to be. Of course I wanted to fit in (with my relatives, with society). But then...I wouldn't have fit in at school anyway. It seems I never truly fit anywhere...because I'm not one thing. I'm so many things, which is good, but it means that I can only have pieces of everything. Only fit in somewhat, a little here and there. I can give this much, but I'll only get a fraction back. Because no one knows my needs. Or maybe they can't be met.

I'm grateful for what I have, what I've been given, what I've gotten myself. I'm very proud of myself for what I have accomplished in the past year. And really, the past 3 years. Amidst the sadness and grief and struggle, I excelled. I became. I grew stronger. Partly because of it and partly because I just do. It's what I do. Keep going, never give up. It's exhausting though, let me tell you. Hard work being strong. Picking up the pieces when you're broken...again and again. Setbacks, failures, disappointments. I hate it. I hate the weakness I feel...and the perception of others who believe that this mental illness or my personality or flaws or whatever makes me defective. I'm damaged goods. Like a piece of fruit...that looks good on the outside (soft to touch, nice color, smells good) but is rotten on the inside (emotional, defensive, opinionated, depressed, quiet, boring, CRAZY). Maybe I'm all of those things...but so what? I'm me. Take it or leave it. The problem is, people don't want to leave it...they want to change it. Make me FIT. And as I said, I don't fit. So, I guess it's up to me to walk away. I can't have people in my life who put me down or keep me down. Who smile in my face and laugh behind my back. Who don't think I have much worth...unless I change who I am. And the things that I can't change, well, that makes me hopeless, doesn't it? I'll never have what they have -- some people delight in that. Some like to see others in pain, feeling low -- it makes them feel high. I see it, I just don't understand that mindset. That's not my life. And I don't have to alter myself to fit that life, to fit my peers' view on the world. Or my family's. Or anyone's. I have a choice. I have to live this life. Whether I exceed or fail. Whether I stay the same or improve. Whether I get "better" or not. All I want is acceptance. Love. Joy. Peace. Respect. Trust. Easier to give than receive. I should lower my expectations, but I won't. Because there are those who meet my standards...and I meet theirs. And God, I'm SO grateful for them. So grateful that they're in my life -- to pull me up, stand beside me, even stand in front of me. They won't watch me fall...they'll catch me. They have. And if they're reading this -- I think they know who they are...because I've told them. And if I haven't said it enough -- thank you for loving me. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for trusting me with your heart, your secrets, your friendship. I'm honored to know you. And I hope...I hope you'll never leave me. But if you do. Well, I have to go on. I can be grateful for the memories. Nothing lasts forever. I know.

So with the commencement of 2011, what do I hope to achieve? I don't make resolutions...I set my goals as I go along, depending on the situation, adapting to life's changes. And I do not like to fail. But I do have hopes, dreams, needs. I don't know if I'll meet them...or they'll meet me. I don't know what the future holds; no one does. We just keep going, looking around us, hoping to see something beautiful. And when we do, we smile. I can smile.

I want to be happy with myself, as I am. And I want to be better...for me. I lost some things and I gained others. I'll never forget. And I will not settle. All or nothing. I deserve it. And I'm worth the battle.