As I sit here watching my niece smile in her sleep, I'm reminded of how the smallest things bring me joy. I don't forget to be grateful for these things or the other special moments and people in my life. I may not say all the time, I may only mention the things that are wrong. But I'm aware of what is right. I hold onto those things. Because I'm also aware of how easily they slip away. I know what it's like to lose the thing you can't live without...and keep living anyway.
It's November, right in the middle of my seasonal depression. High anxiety is inevitable. We're in the month that my grandfather died...one month away from the 7th anniversary of my aunt's death...and the month after that, facing my grandmother's. It's been...horrible?...the past few years. How do you lose 8 people within one year and not go insane? I keep asking myself that - because I'm not insane. I lost my dog, both grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends...watched my parents cry and my relatives look so shattered, and I haven't had to be hospitalized. It all goes into me. But I haven't broken permanently. You can say medication, strong will, blah blah blah. But it's more than that. I don't know what it is. God, I suppose, saving me from myself, saving me for some other purpose, ensuring that I live long enough to meet it.
We got used to hearing bad news every month - the phone calls, the worries, the tears, the planning of what to do next, the funerals, the after. Or someone in the hospital. Again. It's only been recently that I've been able to let my guard down and not expect it. But I still worry. I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because it will. The only certainty in life is that you'll die at the end of it. I can't handle anymore deaths. I know what it will do to me. And someone close...no, I couldn't bear it. I prayed, I asked others to pray when my dad was in the hospital this week, when he was getting his stent procedure. Friends were there for me. It helped lighten the load. But I was still stressed and worried beyond my limits. Or at the edge of it, anyway. He's ok. But I hate hospitals. He's home. I still worry.
This situation didn't give me a different perspective on life. I already know what I know. I've seen it. But it made me realize that I'm not going to back down from a challenge...I'll do what needs to be done, no matter how weak and broken I am that day. I've done it before. But now's such a turbulent time. I can't be who I was before. I didn't want to die. And I knew what my father's ___ would do to me. So it was unacceptable. Couldn't happen.
I'm talking in circles, I think. Sleeping pill kicking in, feeling drowsy. I need sleep. I need to let go.
I wish things could be easier - not every last thing needs to be a fight for survival. I would be a good girlfriend, good mother. Lots of good things. For all I lack, I'd make it up with effort. I'd try, I'll always try for you. I need someone to take that step with me.
Love me for who I am, not for who you think I am. I'd only disappoint you. And wouldn't you rather be surprised, delightfully?
One day.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
I'm here to tell you
God, I'm so frustrated. It comes and goes. But always there under the surface, ready to spring free. I fight it: I keep quiet, let people have their conversations, make their comments, serve their platitudes. I stay silent because I don't want to argue or get defensive or go off into a long, drawn-out rant. Like I have in the past. Because I kept everything inside for too long as a kid. Do I say too much? I have, but don't so much anymore. Except when it bursts out of me; when I feel so misunderstood I have to shout so they can hear me, see me, know my mind and my heart and my soul. Some people get it automatically, some never do. They just look at me through their eyes and experiences and tell me what to do to get where they are. I'll always fail. Don't they realize that? No, because they can't see me.
I'm just sick of it. And I don't say that out loud because I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to make my friends hate me or be afraid to talk to me or walk away because I'm not worth the effort. So many people already have (and weren't shy about telling me why), so I can handle it, I expect it. But it hurts...and it hurts more to know I caused it. Just by having a bad day. Or being upset or angry. I don't want to be that person. I'm not a mean, insensitive person. Most of the time I'm too nice, too sensitive. But there is cruelty in me. And vengeance. Mostly I don't act on it or speak of it, and no one ever knows. If people could be inside my head, they wouldn't even know me. Well, this is part of my head, so...
I have to get it out. I have to. It's hurting me too much. I thought I could get past it, forgive, let it go. But I need to get it out of me. Vent the frustration and anger and pain. Why don't they understand how much it hurts? Why can't they see it from my perspective? Why won't they even try? Listen. Listen. Listen. Stop telling me about your love story. Stop telling me how much that person means to you, how lucky you are that you found them and they stayed. How blessed you are to have your kids and how you can't imagine your life without them. TRY. Try to imagine if all that was taken from you, if you were left with emptiness and pain. Can you imagine how hard it would be to live without it every single day? How hard it would be just to breathe? How much loss you feel and there's no one, no one, who can help you fix it. Nothing to fill that space. Then try to imagine if the people who have those things and say all those other things keep telling you that you need to be happy with the life you have. That you need to wait longer and maybe you'll get what they have. Do you understand how that feels? To hear those things and see all the photos and hear all the stories and just sit there and watch? Your pain isn't real to them. So you got dumped, so you were emotionally abused, so you haven't been with anyone in more than ten years. You'll find the right person eventually...someone will appreciate you someday...it will be worth the wait and all make sense. WHAT ABOUT RIGHT NOW?? What about how I feel RIGHT NOW? There's pain, there's pain, there's pain. Someday is far away, someday may never come. Right now I'm hurting and needy and you just want to tell me that I'll only be loved when I'm all better? If I can be happy being single, then someone will want to be with me. If I don't love myself, no one will ever love me. That's WRONG! Why tell me these things? Why pat my head and say pretty things that aren't true? And get mad at me when I disagree? When I tell you that my story isn't that way, that my feelings aren't that way? It makes me so angry. I'm so angry at the people who have told me this. It's arrogant and insensitive and just naive. Do you know the difference between you and me? You already have it -- right now, in this place and time. I do not. It was guaranteed to you, so it happened. It already happened, there's nothing you need to do now to make it happen. No waiting, no trying. Maybe things didn't work out the way you hoped, maybe it ended. But you had YOUR chance. And I haven't had mine yet. It hasn't happened and it's NOT guaranteed to me. It may NEVER happen. I understand that. I accept it...although I fight it. Because I believe, because I want it so badly. I want it and I will do what's necessary to get it. But right now I am in pain. Living with an emptiness that you cannot feel. Because if you did, you would not expect me to be ok with living with it. You would not tell me I need to be happy in my situation. I should not have to be happy. I can make the best of things and be grateful, but I should not be expected to feel happiness when I'm unhappy. That's an emotion too, and we all have a right to feel it. We're allowed to want to make changes, improvements, follow our dreams and our hearts. Don't tell me to find new dreams or settle for scraps just because the big one hasn't happened yet. Don't tell me to wait for something that may never happen or go out and live my life when I feel like my life isn't whole. It may never be whole -- I've lost too many loved ones, too quickly. And I may never be healthy or happy -- this depression isn't a passing thing...and there's more behind it than sadness and grief. I know what makes me happy. I know what I need in my life. I've always known, always. As a kid, 9 years old, I knew what to expect from my future, what love needed to be(I wrote a song about it -- never knowing loss in reality, but my heart could still speak about it). I realize now that not everyone can see so clearly. They don't know what's right for them, so they have to try things. Their feelings change, they aren't ready at a certain age, and later they are. I've always been the same. I've always wanted these things -- then and now. Love...I wanted to marry him, I just wanted to finish college first. I wanted to have his children, I could see them when I looked at him, but I needed to get out and get a job, grow up more first. But I wanted it just the same. Wrong time. Not wrong guy. He moved on...and so I had to too. Not a choice, a necessity to survive. When I fell in love again, 5 years ago, it was what I needed. He was what I needed...just not good for me. We clashed, hurt each other. I lived with pain for so long, felt so bad about myself, so confused. It still devastated me when it was really over, when I finally let go. He was my best friend. That, I will never get over. But the rest...in time, I moved on. My choice. But not the choice I wanted to make.
Crushes, loves, disappointments. It all goes to heart, it all hurts. You have to live with the pain for awhile, and it's the pain that makes you speak out. Cry out, really. And when those you care about don't hear you or mistake your words or only think of themselves, you feel so alone. And they say you misunderstood them. Maybe. Or maybe they weren't really listening. They were just waiting to make their mark on your life. I guess some people like advice...taking it, asking for it. I don't. Advice equals criticism. Maybe it's a different thing, but they both feel the same to my heart. Especially if someone is trying to tell me what to do or questioning my choices. Maybe I've made some bad choices, maybe the way I behave isn't "right" or "normal". Maybe I should do more or do less. It doesn't matter. Don't tell me what to do. I don't like that. Don't give me advice unless I ask for it...and there's only a very small chance that I will, ever. But it certainly won't be when I'm venting my emotions and speaking up for myself. No, that's all about me. Not what you think. Expressing oneself is not giving permission to be criticized or analyzed. Some people like to debate...fine. But that's not why I do anything that I do. EVER. I'm honest, I can be blunt, but mostly I edit myself, I try to be clear. If you can't figure out who I am by the things I write/post/say, then you're not looking closely enough. There's more than what you see. Listen.
But I've said all this. I've said a lot of things. Don't push me when I'm in a bad mood, don't give me examples of what I'm doing wrong (or what you did right, in comparison). I'm really tired of everyone's success stories. I know you mean well and are just trying to show me that it's possible to get what you want, but it hurts. It feels like you're showing off or throwing it in my face. Not the intention, but that's the reaction. Because I have to look at it, listen to it, and pretend that I'm fine. Be happy for you. All the pregnancies, the marriages, new jobs, everything. I'm the one people confide in, the one they come to because I'll be accepting and understanding. And be happy for them. Would you expect me to be otherwise? Can you picture that? So, you see, I have to be a good friend/sister/daughter and listen...and look...and take care of. Feel that punch in the stomach with every update, that coldness in my bones. Keep breathing. I hide it...because you didn't do this to me, the situation did. And the situation hurts. But I support You. Then, I go back to my own life and look around. Do I cry? Is that enough? No... Right now I hate it. I hate where I live, I hate what I see when I look in the mirror, I hate what I've had to do just to make it here. I survived, I exist, but I feel dead. I'm not living. I don't feel alive. Don't tell me I shouldn't think that way or feel that way -- I have a right to what I feel. No one knows, no one sees everything. I didn't choose this life, This. But I found a way to live it. Is it so hard to understand that I want better? More. Especially after having it for so many years. I know what I'm missing because I used to have it. Then I lost it...taken, left. But I also know what I'm missing that I never had. Because I see it in my heart, or I've had pieces of it in my life. Kids, a husband, a career, a house, pets, a future. Family, mine. I've been reading my horoscope all my life and it always said that to a Cancer, family is most important. I rebelled against that notion a little when I was younger, because the only family I knew was the one I was born into. Dozens of relatives around all the time, knowing your business, criticizing you for your choices, putting you down for being different, for being you. I felt unloved, unwanted, and never understood. Tension, anxiety, never being good enough, no privacy, forced to do things you didn't want to do, and not being able to talk about it because no one wanted to hear it -- you were supposed to "act right". Told all the ways you shouldn't be and all the ways you needed to be. I never really could be, but I could pretend really well. And few could see what was in my eyes anyway. Or cared? Whatever. But that was family to me. I love them and there were good times, close relationships, but I didn't want that to be my life 24/7 when I grew up. Stuck there, in that city, living the same life as everyone else? I knew there was more out there, better, I just didn't know where. I found it, eventually. I lived there. Now, I'm back. This place isn't healthy for me, but it's where I live. Maybe I'll get out again. Maybe I'll die here. But right now, all I can do is make it through the day. Try. Try.
I am a true Cancer (except for the love of water thing, but I think that would be true too if I hadn't almost drowned in the lake...and the whole swimming lessons thing. Childhood traumas, seriously). Now family means loving and nurturing -- by me. It means what I can do, what I create. My own family is the most important thing. The necessary thing, what I'm meant for in my life. But I don't have it. Do you see? Why I hurt, why I long for it? Without it, I will die. I don't want to live in a world where I have to live with this emptiness and sorrow and regret -- for 20, 30, 40 more years? How is that ok? How can people tell me that it's ok for me, that I deserve that? They say I deserve the other thing, but then they tell me to live like this, continue to live like this for however long. And be fulfilled. Find something to fulfill me and make me happy. As if one thing can replace another. As if ANYTHING can match the joy of having your own child. Anything? I love my niece and nephew as my own, my friends kids, even the ones I never met. I would give them the world...I would fight for them, die for them, save them. I have that much love, for those who aren't even mine. For those I don't get to see every day, for those who will always be a little out of reach. Nothing can replace them in my heart. Nothing will ever be that great. So imagine how it would be for my own...by birth, adoption, whatever. Mine. To devote my life to, to live for. That's something worth living for. That's everything. True happiness. I want happiness. So why tell me to find something else? Why tell me to keep waiting? Time is short. We all aren't so lucky. I'm so much better when I'm happy, oh, you have no idea. You've never seen me happy, what I do for others, what I do for myself. I'm strong, I'm active. It doesn't take much, but it takes something. You would want it for me, if you wanted what's best for me.
I feel like maybe some people don't actually want me to have it. They say they do, but they discourage me in so many ways. Like I'll have too much if I get it. Like their lives won't be so special if I have similar things. It's not about them. If I talk about how much I want kids or how I wish I could find a man to love and love me back, they think I'm just jealous of their lives, that I want what everyone else has. I've never wanted that, in anything in my life. Haven't people noticed that I'm an original? That I go after the things I want and wear the things I want and do the things I want because it's what I want? What I feel is best for me? I don't want to take anything from anyone else, I just want my own. Go and live your life, I won't stop you. If you try to take something of mine or infringe on my territory, then we have a problem. I can't help but compare my life to others and find it lacking. Resentment for all I've done and haven't gotten back...but they've given less and gotten more. I'm sorry, it's there. Don't we all do that? Isn't that the purpose of all the stories people tell me, the well-meaning advice to illustrate what they have that I don't and how to do what they did to get it? I'm stubborn, so I probably don't want to do it your way on principle. It just takes a lot out of me to always be present in everyone's lives (even virtually) and then let go and face my own. I feel what you feel, it's inside of me. But so much of me is empty. I'm sorry if some people can't comprehend that. If they only see the pretty things and think that should make me happy or think that other things should be my priority. To many, having a great job and money means you're successful in life and all other things are secondary. Or religion comes first, or where you live is most important. I can understand all that, and it's ok to feel what you feel. But it's not how I'm made. Family is number one to me. Always. Kids/babies and animals are the ONLY things on this planet that give me pure joy. Asking me to be without is kind of cruel...I could be happy, but you don't think it's necessary? I'm just so frustrated. Talking in generalizations, but this is how this all manifested in my brain. A jumble of hurts. Empty words and careless platitudes. Meant to make me feel better, but it doesn't. What makes me feel better is when someone says they understand, or it's ok to feel the way I feel. The things I do for them, for everyone. Can I have it back? Please.
Lots of people love me. In different ways. And that's what really inspired this post. It was supposed to start:
I'm here to tell you, that if you were told that no one can love you unless you first love yourself (or "if you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you"), that's not true. I can love you no matter how you feel about yourself. You don't have to be happy or healthy or behave a certain way. There are no conditions for my love. It's who YOU are...I'll love you for you and for the sake of loving. To believe that the only ones worth loving are those who are happy/healthy/whole in body or mind is not true. I love someone more when they're struggling or suffering. I don't believe that they don't deserve a boyfriend or girlfriend at that time in their lives because they're going through a bad time. People come into our lives at different times, for different reasons. How many times have you heard someone say that they were lucky that this person came into their life when they did or they wouldn't be here? Or that someone/something saved them? You need to be loved and cared for when you're low, so that you can come back up. It's not a bad thing to rely on someone else. We don't have to be independent every single minute. Yeah, your worth shouldn't be defined by anyone else and you should have the capacity to survive on your own (aka single women shouldn't depend on a man to be happy), but why isn't it ok to need someone in your life? If they make it better, aren't they important? I hear my friends/relatives say all the time how they can't live without so-and-so, how blessed they are to have the life they have, how happy they are that they have someone beside them, to hold their hand, kiss, help with chores, take care of them when they're sick, buy them flowers, etc. It's all true, and it's the way it should be. I'm glad you have it. So why am I put down for wanting that for myself? Your lifestyle has changed, you're not in my position anymore. You're waving a million dollars in my face and telling me to be grateful for having a penny. But I know what it feels like to be content, I know what it feels like to date a guy who's also your best friend, I know what it feels like to be loved and supported. So, who are you to tell me I should try to enjoy being single or I'm not "ready"? Not ready to be loved? What do I have to do to meet that criteria?
Actually, I already know. I've been told enough times what's wrong with me, what I need to do, how I must not be doing it right or it would be happening, etc etc. Or the list of reasons why no man wants me and why no one will ever want to have children with me (or raise their child). Yeah, 2010/2011 was eye-opening in the worst possible sense. But I got through it. All of it. And I'm still alive and functioning and *maybe* getting better. But I shouldn't have to in order for someone to love me. Just learn who I am and accept...and love me. I need someone who can challenge me and fight for me and keep up with me and calm me down and just BE THERE. Being there, staying seems to be the part I can't keep. Don't tell me all the good things about me if you can't back it up with actions.
I'm so tired. And tired of writing, thinking. I didn't say all I wanted to say, it's not all out. And I'm still frustrated. I feel like I can't win. And 35 years of that is a lot of failure. I keep trying my best, because that's me. And I keep living my life, because that's trying. I'm not happy. And there's so much I could say. The hits keep coming and I protect those I love from the truth. They don't want it. I've tried to explain. I'm tired. Some things are better left unsaid. But some things need to be said. Loved or not, I can only be me. I feel what I feel, I want what I want and I do things my own way. Why is that bad? "It's better to be alone than in a bad relationship" -- ok, but isn't it even better to be in a good one and be happy and loved? If that's the alternative, I'm not going to choose to be alone. If you choose to be single (after a breakup, for independence), good, enjoy it. But if you've been abandoned and a lot of years have gone by and you want a companion, you shouldn't have to just accept it and enjoy it. Pain is not fun. Lonliness is not fun. You can't make it turn into happiness. You can be happy for other reasons, other things, but the pain still exists for as long as it exists. Like grief, you don't just "get over it" and cheer up. There's no time limit and everyone handles it differently. It's supposed to happen that way. Let me be. I'm not made to be a "dater" or excel at social activity. It's exhausting and causes anxiety. I'm made to be a nurturer, a lover, a mother. To give and do. I don't just want to be loved, I need someone I can love. I need a purpose. Do you see?
I'm grateful for the things I have...and I give them my love and my life. It's all I have to give.
"Victory of the people" -- that's what my name means. I save them. And who saves me? That's not the plan, maybe. OK.
Life is what it is. I do my best.
I'm just sick of it. And I don't say that out loud because I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to make my friends hate me or be afraid to talk to me or walk away because I'm not worth the effort. So many people already have (and weren't shy about telling me why), so I can handle it, I expect it. But it hurts...and it hurts more to know I caused it. Just by having a bad day. Or being upset or angry. I don't want to be that person. I'm not a mean, insensitive person. Most of the time I'm too nice, too sensitive. But there is cruelty in me. And vengeance. Mostly I don't act on it or speak of it, and no one ever knows. If people could be inside my head, they wouldn't even know me. Well, this is part of my head, so...
I have to get it out. I have to. It's hurting me too much. I thought I could get past it, forgive, let it go. But I need to get it out of me. Vent the frustration and anger and pain. Why don't they understand how much it hurts? Why can't they see it from my perspective? Why won't they even try? Listen. Listen. Listen. Stop telling me about your love story. Stop telling me how much that person means to you, how lucky you are that you found them and they stayed. How blessed you are to have your kids and how you can't imagine your life without them. TRY. Try to imagine if all that was taken from you, if you were left with emptiness and pain. Can you imagine how hard it would be to live without it every single day? How hard it would be just to breathe? How much loss you feel and there's no one, no one, who can help you fix it. Nothing to fill that space. Then try to imagine if the people who have those things and say all those other things keep telling you that you need to be happy with the life you have. That you need to wait longer and maybe you'll get what they have. Do you understand how that feels? To hear those things and see all the photos and hear all the stories and just sit there and watch? Your pain isn't real to them. So you got dumped, so you were emotionally abused, so you haven't been with anyone in more than ten years. You'll find the right person eventually...someone will appreciate you someday...it will be worth the wait and all make sense. WHAT ABOUT RIGHT NOW?? What about how I feel RIGHT NOW? There's pain, there's pain, there's pain. Someday is far away, someday may never come. Right now I'm hurting and needy and you just want to tell me that I'll only be loved when I'm all better? If I can be happy being single, then someone will want to be with me. If I don't love myself, no one will ever love me. That's WRONG! Why tell me these things? Why pat my head and say pretty things that aren't true? And get mad at me when I disagree? When I tell you that my story isn't that way, that my feelings aren't that way? It makes me so angry. I'm so angry at the people who have told me this. It's arrogant and insensitive and just naive. Do you know the difference between you and me? You already have it -- right now, in this place and time. I do not. It was guaranteed to you, so it happened. It already happened, there's nothing you need to do now to make it happen. No waiting, no trying. Maybe things didn't work out the way you hoped, maybe it ended. But you had YOUR chance. And I haven't had mine yet. It hasn't happened and it's NOT guaranteed to me. It may NEVER happen. I understand that. I accept it...although I fight it. Because I believe, because I want it so badly. I want it and I will do what's necessary to get it. But right now I am in pain. Living with an emptiness that you cannot feel. Because if you did, you would not expect me to be ok with living with it. You would not tell me I need to be happy in my situation. I should not have to be happy. I can make the best of things and be grateful, but I should not be expected to feel happiness when I'm unhappy. That's an emotion too, and we all have a right to feel it. We're allowed to want to make changes, improvements, follow our dreams and our hearts. Don't tell me to find new dreams or settle for scraps just because the big one hasn't happened yet. Don't tell me to wait for something that may never happen or go out and live my life when I feel like my life isn't whole. It may never be whole -- I've lost too many loved ones, too quickly. And I may never be healthy or happy -- this depression isn't a passing thing...and there's more behind it than sadness and grief. I know what makes me happy. I know what I need in my life. I've always known, always. As a kid, 9 years old, I knew what to expect from my future, what love needed to be(I wrote a song about it -- never knowing loss in reality, but my heart could still speak about it). I realize now that not everyone can see so clearly. They don't know what's right for them, so they have to try things. Their feelings change, they aren't ready at a certain age, and later they are. I've always been the same. I've always wanted these things -- then and now. Love...I wanted to marry him, I just wanted to finish college first. I wanted to have his children, I could see them when I looked at him, but I needed to get out and get a job, grow up more first. But I wanted it just the same. Wrong time. Not wrong guy. He moved on...and so I had to too. Not a choice, a necessity to survive. When I fell in love again, 5 years ago, it was what I needed. He was what I needed...just not good for me. We clashed, hurt each other. I lived with pain for so long, felt so bad about myself, so confused. It still devastated me when it was really over, when I finally let go. He was my best friend. That, I will never get over. But the rest...in time, I moved on. My choice. But not the choice I wanted to make.
Crushes, loves, disappointments. It all goes to heart, it all hurts. You have to live with the pain for awhile, and it's the pain that makes you speak out. Cry out, really. And when those you care about don't hear you or mistake your words or only think of themselves, you feel so alone. And they say you misunderstood them. Maybe. Or maybe they weren't really listening. They were just waiting to make their mark on your life. I guess some people like advice...taking it, asking for it. I don't. Advice equals criticism. Maybe it's a different thing, but they both feel the same to my heart. Especially if someone is trying to tell me what to do or questioning my choices. Maybe I've made some bad choices, maybe the way I behave isn't "right" or "normal". Maybe I should do more or do less. It doesn't matter. Don't tell me what to do. I don't like that. Don't give me advice unless I ask for it...and there's only a very small chance that I will, ever. But it certainly won't be when I'm venting my emotions and speaking up for myself. No, that's all about me. Not what you think. Expressing oneself is not giving permission to be criticized or analyzed. Some people like to debate...fine. But that's not why I do anything that I do. EVER. I'm honest, I can be blunt, but mostly I edit myself, I try to be clear. If you can't figure out who I am by the things I write/post/say, then you're not looking closely enough. There's more than what you see. Listen.
But I've said all this. I've said a lot of things. Don't push me when I'm in a bad mood, don't give me examples of what I'm doing wrong (or what you did right, in comparison). I'm really tired of everyone's success stories. I know you mean well and are just trying to show me that it's possible to get what you want, but it hurts. It feels like you're showing off or throwing it in my face. Not the intention, but that's the reaction. Because I have to look at it, listen to it, and pretend that I'm fine. Be happy for you. All the pregnancies, the marriages, new jobs, everything. I'm the one people confide in, the one they come to because I'll be accepting and understanding. And be happy for them. Would you expect me to be otherwise? Can you picture that? So, you see, I have to be a good friend/sister/daughter and listen...and look...and take care of. Feel that punch in the stomach with every update, that coldness in my bones. Keep breathing. I hide it...because you didn't do this to me, the situation did. And the situation hurts. But I support You. Then, I go back to my own life and look around. Do I cry? Is that enough? No... Right now I hate it. I hate where I live, I hate what I see when I look in the mirror, I hate what I've had to do just to make it here. I survived, I exist, but I feel dead. I'm not living. I don't feel alive. Don't tell me I shouldn't think that way or feel that way -- I have a right to what I feel. No one knows, no one sees everything. I didn't choose this life, This. But I found a way to live it. Is it so hard to understand that I want better? More. Especially after having it for so many years. I know what I'm missing because I used to have it. Then I lost it...taken, left. But I also know what I'm missing that I never had. Because I see it in my heart, or I've had pieces of it in my life. Kids, a husband, a career, a house, pets, a future. Family, mine. I've been reading my horoscope all my life and it always said that to a Cancer, family is most important. I rebelled against that notion a little when I was younger, because the only family I knew was the one I was born into. Dozens of relatives around all the time, knowing your business, criticizing you for your choices, putting you down for being different, for being you. I felt unloved, unwanted, and never understood. Tension, anxiety, never being good enough, no privacy, forced to do things you didn't want to do, and not being able to talk about it because no one wanted to hear it -- you were supposed to "act right". Told all the ways you shouldn't be and all the ways you needed to be. I never really could be, but I could pretend really well. And few could see what was in my eyes anyway. Or cared? Whatever. But that was family to me. I love them and there were good times, close relationships, but I didn't want that to be my life 24/7 when I grew up. Stuck there, in that city, living the same life as everyone else? I knew there was more out there, better, I just didn't know where. I found it, eventually. I lived there. Now, I'm back. This place isn't healthy for me, but it's where I live. Maybe I'll get out again. Maybe I'll die here. But right now, all I can do is make it through the day. Try. Try.
I am a true Cancer (except for the love of water thing, but I think that would be true too if I hadn't almost drowned in the lake...and the whole swimming lessons thing. Childhood traumas, seriously). Now family means loving and nurturing -- by me. It means what I can do, what I create. My own family is the most important thing. The necessary thing, what I'm meant for in my life. But I don't have it. Do you see? Why I hurt, why I long for it? Without it, I will die. I don't want to live in a world where I have to live with this emptiness and sorrow and regret -- for 20, 30, 40 more years? How is that ok? How can people tell me that it's ok for me, that I deserve that? They say I deserve the other thing, but then they tell me to live like this, continue to live like this for however long. And be fulfilled. Find something to fulfill me and make me happy. As if one thing can replace another. As if ANYTHING can match the joy of having your own child. Anything? I love my niece and nephew as my own, my friends kids, even the ones I never met. I would give them the world...I would fight for them, die for them, save them. I have that much love, for those who aren't even mine. For those I don't get to see every day, for those who will always be a little out of reach. Nothing can replace them in my heart. Nothing will ever be that great. So imagine how it would be for my own...by birth, adoption, whatever. Mine. To devote my life to, to live for. That's something worth living for. That's everything. True happiness. I want happiness. So why tell me to find something else? Why tell me to keep waiting? Time is short. We all aren't so lucky. I'm so much better when I'm happy, oh, you have no idea. You've never seen me happy, what I do for others, what I do for myself. I'm strong, I'm active. It doesn't take much, but it takes something. You would want it for me, if you wanted what's best for me.
I feel like maybe some people don't actually want me to have it. They say they do, but they discourage me in so many ways. Like I'll have too much if I get it. Like their lives won't be so special if I have similar things. It's not about them. If I talk about how much I want kids or how I wish I could find a man to love and love me back, they think I'm just jealous of their lives, that I want what everyone else has. I've never wanted that, in anything in my life. Haven't people noticed that I'm an original? That I go after the things I want and wear the things I want and do the things I want because it's what I want? What I feel is best for me? I don't want to take anything from anyone else, I just want my own. Go and live your life, I won't stop you. If you try to take something of mine or infringe on my territory, then we have a problem. I can't help but compare my life to others and find it lacking. Resentment for all I've done and haven't gotten back...but they've given less and gotten more. I'm sorry, it's there. Don't we all do that? Isn't that the purpose of all the stories people tell me, the well-meaning advice to illustrate what they have that I don't and how to do what they did to get it? I'm stubborn, so I probably don't want to do it your way on principle. It just takes a lot out of me to always be present in everyone's lives (even virtually) and then let go and face my own. I feel what you feel, it's inside of me. But so much of me is empty. I'm sorry if some people can't comprehend that. If they only see the pretty things and think that should make me happy or think that other things should be my priority. To many, having a great job and money means you're successful in life and all other things are secondary. Or religion comes first, or where you live is most important. I can understand all that, and it's ok to feel what you feel. But it's not how I'm made. Family is number one to me. Always. Kids/babies and animals are the ONLY things on this planet that give me pure joy. Asking me to be without is kind of cruel...I could be happy, but you don't think it's necessary? I'm just so frustrated. Talking in generalizations, but this is how this all manifested in my brain. A jumble of hurts. Empty words and careless platitudes. Meant to make me feel better, but it doesn't. What makes me feel better is when someone says they understand, or it's ok to feel the way I feel. The things I do for them, for everyone. Can I have it back? Please.
Lots of people love me. In different ways. And that's what really inspired this post. It was supposed to start:
I'm here to tell you, that if you were told that no one can love you unless you first love yourself (or "if you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you"), that's not true. I can love you no matter how you feel about yourself. You don't have to be happy or healthy or behave a certain way. There are no conditions for my love. It's who YOU are...I'll love you for you and for the sake of loving. To believe that the only ones worth loving are those who are happy/healthy/whole in body or mind is not true. I love someone more when they're struggling or suffering. I don't believe that they don't deserve a boyfriend or girlfriend at that time in their lives because they're going through a bad time. People come into our lives at different times, for different reasons. How many times have you heard someone say that they were lucky that this person came into their life when they did or they wouldn't be here? Or that someone/something saved them? You need to be loved and cared for when you're low, so that you can come back up. It's not a bad thing to rely on someone else. We don't have to be independent every single minute. Yeah, your worth shouldn't be defined by anyone else and you should have the capacity to survive on your own (aka single women shouldn't depend on a man to be happy), but why isn't it ok to need someone in your life? If they make it better, aren't they important? I hear my friends/relatives say all the time how they can't live without so-and-so, how blessed they are to have the life they have, how happy they are that they have someone beside them, to hold their hand, kiss, help with chores, take care of them when they're sick, buy them flowers, etc. It's all true, and it's the way it should be. I'm glad you have it. So why am I put down for wanting that for myself? Your lifestyle has changed, you're not in my position anymore. You're waving a million dollars in my face and telling me to be grateful for having a penny. But I know what it feels like to be content, I know what it feels like to date a guy who's also your best friend, I know what it feels like to be loved and supported. So, who are you to tell me I should try to enjoy being single or I'm not "ready"? Not ready to be loved? What do I have to do to meet that criteria?
Actually, I already know. I've been told enough times what's wrong with me, what I need to do, how I must not be doing it right or it would be happening, etc etc. Or the list of reasons why no man wants me and why no one will ever want to have children with me (or raise their child). Yeah, 2010/2011 was eye-opening in the worst possible sense. But I got through it. All of it. And I'm still alive and functioning and *maybe* getting better. But I shouldn't have to in order for someone to love me. Just learn who I am and accept...and love me. I need someone who can challenge me and fight for me and keep up with me and calm me down and just BE THERE. Being there, staying seems to be the part I can't keep. Don't tell me all the good things about me if you can't back it up with actions.
I'm so tired. And tired of writing, thinking. I didn't say all I wanted to say, it's not all out. And I'm still frustrated. I feel like I can't win. And 35 years of that is a lot of failure. I keep trying my best, because that's me. And I keep living my life, because that's trying. I'm not happy. And there's so much I could say. The hits keep coming and I protect those I love from the truth. They don't want it. I've tried to explain. I'm tired. Some things are better left unsaid. But some things need to be said. Loved or not, I can only be me. I feel what I feel, I want what I want and I do things my own way. Why is that bad? "It's better to be alone than in a bad relationship" -- ok, but isn't it even better to be in a good one and be happy and loved? If that's the alternative, I'm not going to choose to be alone. If you choose to be single (after a breakup, for independence), good, enjoy it. But if you've been abandoned and a lot of years have gone by and you want a companion, you shouldn't have to just accept it and enjoy it. Pain is not fun. Lonliness is not fun. You can't make it turn into happiness. You can be happy for other reasons, other things, but the pain still exists for as long as it exists. Like grief, you don't just "get over it" and cheer up. There's no time limit and everyone handles it differently. It's supposed to happen that way. Let me be. I'm not made to be a "dater" or excel at social activity. It's exhausting and causes anxiety. I'm made to be a nurturer, a lover, a mother. To give and do. I don't just want to be loved, I need someone I can love. I need a purpose. Do you see?
I'm grateful for the things I have...and I give them my love and my life. It's all I have to give.
"Victory of the people" -- that's what my name means. I save them. And who saves me? That's not the plan, maybe. OK.
Life is what it is. I do my best.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Twists and turns
Anxiety is like a buzzing under the skin, like something moving around very fast inside of you. Through your veins, in your head, behind your eyes. It's hard to sit still. I want to run around too. But I stay still. Just occasional twitches and restless gestures of my arms and legs. And it keeps going...free to do as is pleases.
No one sees.
I can fight it. I can sometimes beat it without any "help". But I can't make it not exist. It comes and goes. Right now it's coming. That time of the morning.
I wasn't going to write a blog post yet, but I needed to express and I didn't want to post a status on FB that would lead to a discussion of what I should do about it (or the people who don't know me well thinking I'm crazy). I've been through it already. I don't need it today.
It's not a bad day, it's not a bad time. This is normal...maybe even better than normal because I know that if I get some sleep, I'll feel better. It's been a busy couple of weeks, a lot of things happened and had to be done. Had some very bad nights too. The lowest, hopeless-est kind. But I survived and came back up. It's been hard for many reasons. And doesn't seem like the pain will stop. Not for long. There's always something else. The good goes away, the bad comes back. Neither stays, I guess. But the bad leaves deeper impressions in the soul. Scars that don't heal, memories that never fade. Pain, loss, sadness, sickness. I cry for those I love, those I miss, those who left me. But all I can do is pray...for whatever at the time. Pray for myself. But I don't know if what I want is meant for me. I serve another purpose. I wish...I could be right for that. All that's in my heart. I keep hoping.
I had a good weekend. Great music, good friends, made new friends, danced with a cute guy. Fun. I love to dance...like really dance. But I have no desire to hang out in the clubs. I feel too old. Like, I'm past that phase. I'd rather be around people I know, like, share similar interests with. I was comfortable, I felt desirable, I looked pretty, things were going right. And I was satisfied at the end of it. Thank You. Thank You.
More shows coming up. Can't go far...don't really want to and have no money. $5 is about all I can do right now. But the bands, my friends, are worth a full price ticket. And a lot of them are on their way there. I'm glad to know them. They work hard and give back. They care. Good people. I do what I can to help and support and spread the word. Why not?
I like working on my music blog. It's what I want to do -- music and writing combined. Art is art. It's right for me. But as a hobby right now. I've gotten back to Examiner.com, but it still isn't pushing me forward. It's mostly taking a chance and hoping something materializes. Keeping my account active, promoting others. What I do.
The baby...is beautiful. I got to see her being born. That's an experience. I'll be taking care of her in a few weeks. It'll be a job. Maybe I can get my life back on track then. Let go of this fear and uncertainty. I'm not lazy. I am ambitious and a hard-worker. When I get into something, I push and push and don't stop. But I also procrastinate and avoid situations that I know are difficult for me or that I'm not good at. I don't like doing things I'm not good at. Why would anyone? Some don't care, I guess. Or it's not the normal, everyday things that they have to worry about. Like calling someone, talking when you feel tired or stressed, trying something new. Difficult for me. People don't see that because I do it anyway. Just like the anxiety -- I can function and hide it; my head might be ready to explode or I want to punch something or pull out my hair, but I don't...I just walk around and do what I need to do. My eyes might not be so calm and I'm on high alert and jumpy, but to the outside world, I'm cool and calm. It's all inside.
I need sleep. I don't know what else to look forward to because I feel the "don't deserve it" phase coming on. I haven't written another article or done anything big aside from updating my group/fan/business pages and Twitter. Well, that takes work and I know people appreciate it. I just need something more to feel accomplished. I feel guilty for not doing other things, although I haven't been at my best to do them. Not enough "spoons" to go around. Been keeping my weight stable since last year and eating regularly, but hypoglycemia still kicks in in the between times. It Hurts. The shakes/vibrations, whatever they're called, hurt. Changing temperatures, walking into a different room, happens. No matter if I just ate. Hate it. I'm sure it's something I brought on myself, or as a result of other health issues. I don't know. It just isn't good. Nausea, hormonal changes, pain, sickness. My body isn't as young as it looks.
My birthday's coming up. Not looking forward to it. Getting older, that number. While still single (not even dating), never been married, no kids, never been pregnant (except in my dreams), no house (or even apartment anymore) of my own. Didn't even get my Christmas dog yet. No money. I feel like a failure. I'm allowed to. I'm allowed to be sad and not want to do anything. I'm allowed to pray for things to get better and STAY better. I'm allowed to not go out with guys who I'm not attracted to or don't trust or don't connect with. I'm allowed to make choices...not settle. But I just want people to understand. I do a lot on my own, not because I want to be left alone, but because I know I will, and it's easier to control the situation by myself. If something's important, no one is messing it up for me. If I want something, I'm going after it. No fear will stop me, not for that. But so much is so hard to deal with. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to go through this on my own. I have no one there for me 24/7. When I break, when I have to go to a funeral. When I'm terrified and need a companion to go to an event. I can't ask anyone. No one will come. I need permanence and consistency...but all I get are pieces and moments scattered about. Convenience. It's not enough. But that's my life and where I have to live. I keep fighting it, but I know. I know who I am.
I feel like I'm getting closer sometimes. Weeding out the bad and the useless, keeping the good and loyal. Closer to the life I need to feel fulfilled and whole, right. Sometimes I think I feel closer to finding a man who "gets me" and challenges me and supports me and understands me and will be everthing I need...and I'm everything back, for him. Sometimes I still think it's possible. But...this is my life. I know what happens. No one stays. I'm just useful when I'm useful. Needed when I'm needed. I know. This isn't pity, it's realism. I've been through this over and over. I change, the situation, the players change, but it ends the same way. It's not me doing, it's me being -- not what I do, but what I am. A spectator in life, a voyeur. I experience things and have fun times, but I go after the things I do because I don't have the other things. I can't substitute it or fill that space. I just have to take what's available to me and make it meaningful. I stay "up" as long as I can, look for the good in things. I try really hard. Keep moving forward, block the pain, put it out of my mind. Can't cut it out of my heart, so it comes back, but I can do other things to make it go away for awhile. Sometimes you need a break from yourself.
I miss my dog. It will be 2 years. Another reason to dread my birthday. How is the Earth still moving when she's not on it? Seems impossible. There shouldn't be a world where she doesn't exist. But she does exist -- in our memories, hearts, pictures. Still have her toys. Still find her hairs sometimes. Does she come to me? I'll never stop missing her. She was everything. Animals give us peace. And she was a wonderful dog. I love her so much. She was mine -- my heart. I love her.
I keep moving on. The darkness doesn't pull me in. At times, I feel numb, disconnected, dissociated from things. Like I care less, think less, everything matters less. Which, it mostly does. I know how easily the things that you need the most can be taken away. Leave, hurt you, die. You can't be dependent on it for your existence or happiness or assume it will always be there and love you. When you lose so much, so much so fast, you're prepared to lose more. I can't stand it. I won't survive much more. Not what I fear everyday. But I'll just fade away. I don't have to be here. The world will go on. I just want things to be better than that. I still want a happy life. To be satisfied and content and have the things that matter surrounding me. I want all this to mean something. And that I'm worth more that what I can give to everyone else. That I'm deserving of a precious life too. I want simple, basic things that most expect or take for granted. I am so tired of watching and waiting. The clumsy card houses and broken hearts, lies and carelessness. I want to matter. Not just with words or small gestures. But I want to matter to the one person who matters to me. I want to be loved like I love. I need to be loved. I have crushes. But love few.
It's all words really. My heart speaks, but it's in a different language than some understand. Or they don't care. I'm so confused. Contradictions, always. I'm tired of the talk. Just be real and honest and help me understand. And try to understand me. A little effort goes a long way. But I don't ask for things. There's no point. I need help, but it's always conditional or temporary. I'm sorry. I'm just venting, thinking. I don't expect anything. I'm just here. Until I'm not. I keep trying. Until the end.
It's light. I need sleep. I'll figure the rest out later...
#sway
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Give me a break (aka I don't wanna cry)
People tell me, "Keep trying, keep trying, keep trying. Don't give up." But sometimes when you've worked so hard, you just want a break. Why does everything have to be a fight? Why does EVERYTHING have to be hard? Why are those the requirements for my life?
I had a dream this morning, where I was so tired...I could feel how tired I was, feel the pain and frustration and disappointment...that no matter how hard I worked, no matter how much was done, it wasn't enough. I needed sleep but I couldn't stop -- there was so much left to do and it MUST be done. I wanted to cry in my dream, cry on the outside, because it hurt so much. Pages and pages to write up, print. Essay questions? Some kind of homework...college? It doesn't matter...other people were depending on me. Always depending on me to make things better. Do it, be there. Would anyone even notice if I disappeared forever? Would they miss who I am, or what I do for them?
It got messed up -- three lines didn't print right at the top of the page. So many more pages to do and I have to redo that one. Or maybe I can add those 3 lines/numbers to a different page. It turned into something else then, as dreams do. I can still feel it...
I'm disappointed. The "job" I thought I had, that I was so excited for, just isn't coming together. Every category that I apply for (separately from the initial application), I get rejected. Not eligible, don't meet the minimum requirements. Except I do. And I keep trying, giving of myself. And it means nothing. I've been trying for 2 months. I thought it'd give me Christmas money...it didn't. Pending, then rejection. I thought it was the answer that I needed. I don't know now. It's just hurting me, not helping. I am really trying -- to be better, to do better, to contribute to society, to make my life mean something. But I'm sick, I'm low. And I don't believe anymore. I have hope, but no expectations. Too much has happened, too many people have let me down. Pretty words, promises, intentions, but nothing at the end of it. I'm so tired of listening. Caring. Trying.
Too many deaths, too much loss. It changes you...how could it not? I just want a break. All of my effort to produce something. To make life matter. I want to fall in love with someone who is able to love me back and wants to work towards a future. I give so much, I love so many so much. I don't ask for anything. But I expect to get back what I put out there...it's minimal, it's what you do when you care about someone. You show them how you feel, you give compassion, you're there for them. It's what you do. It's what I do. People tell me I'm worth it, I deserve better, I deserve to be happy. But then they walk away, back to their own lives. And I'm alone again. It's all just temporary. They give me their time when they have extra...it doesn't belong to me. What do I have? Infinite time to give? Endless support? Don't tell me I'm worth it, prove it! Prove it, so that I know without a doubt. So I don't have to wonder or wish or pray to keep it. To keep you. I love...and I lose. And people tell me to keep trying. I wonder if they would do the same if they knew, if they felt what I felt. Really knew what was inside me every day. Hardly anyone knows, and no one knows all. I'm the queen of secrets. I protect, I take care of...everyone but myself. Everyone knows that.
I'm tired. In that way that sleep won't cure. Tired down to my bones, straight through my soul. I'm trying, I keep trying. It's who I am. But how long can that go on? This isn't life, this isn't living...just accepting pieces. I may never have the life in my daydreams. I may never be a mother or a wife or number one in anyone's life. I may always be one step removed, on the outside looking in. Always taking care of other people's kids, loving men who choose someone else. This isn't life, but I understand it. I'll never accept it. But I understand it. I live this way. I take care of what needs to be cared for, do what needs to be done.
People are grateful...and I'm grateful for those who appreciate me. That's all I can do. Be what I am. And hope for the best.
I had a dream this morning, where I was so tired...I could feel how tired I was, feel the pain and frustration and disappointment...that no matter how hard I worked, no matter how much was done, it wasn't enough. I needed sleep but I couldn't stop -- there was so much left to do and it MUST be done. I wanted to cry in my dream, cry on the outside, because it hurt so much. Pages and pages to write up, print. Essay questions? Some kind of homework...college? It doesn't matter...other people were depending on me. Always depending on me to make things better. Do it, be there. Would anyone even notice if I disappeared forever? Would they miss who I am, or what I do for them?
It got messed up -- three lines didn't print right at the top of the page. So many more pages to do and I have to redo that one. Or maybe I can add those 3 lines/numbers to a different page. It turned into something else then, as dreams do. I can still feel it...
I'm disappointed. The "job" I thought I had, that I was so excited for, just isn't coming together. Every category that I apply for (separately from the initial application), I get rejected. Not eligible, don't meet the minimum requirements. Except I do. And I keep trying, giving of myself. And it means nothing. I've been trying for 2 months. I thought it'd give me Christmas money...it didn't. Pending, then rejection. I thought it was the answer that I needed. I don't know now. It's just hurting me, not helping. I am really trying -- to be better, to do better, to contribute to society, to make my life mean something. But I'm sick, I'm low. And I don't believe anymore. I have hope, but no expectations. Too much has happened, too many people have let me down. Pretty words, promises, intentions, but nothing at the end of it. I'm so tired of listening. Caring. Trying.
Too many deaths, too much loss. It changes you...how could it not? I just want a break. All of my effort to produce something. To make life matter. I want to fall in love with someone who is able to love me back and wants to work towards a future. I give so much, I love so many so much. I don't ask for anything. But I expect to get back what I put out there...it's minimal, it's what you do when you care about someone. You show them how you feel, you give compassion, you're there for them. It's what you do. It's what I do. People tell me I'm worth it, I deserve better, I deserve to be happy. But then they walk away, back to their own lives. And I'm alone again. It's all just temporary. They give me their time when they have extra...it doesn't belong to me. What do I have? Infinite time to give? Endless support? Don't tell me I'm worth it, prove it! Prove it, so that I know without a doubt. So I don't have to wonder or wish or pray to keep it. To keep you. I love...and I lose. And people tell me to keep trying. I wonder if they would do the same if they knew, if they felt what I felt. Really knew what was inside me every day. Hardly anyone knows, and no one knows all. I'm the queen of secrets. I protect, I take care of...everyone but myself. Everyone knows that.
I'm tired. In that way that sleep won't cure. Tired down to my bones, straight through my soul. I'm trying, I keep trying. It's who I am. But how long can that go on? This isn't life, this isn't living...just accepting pieces. I may never have the life in my daydreams. I may never be a mother or a wife or number one in anyone's life. I may always be one step removed, on the outside looking in. Always taking care of other people's kids, loving men who choose someone else. This isn't life, but I understand it. I'll never accept it. But I understand it. I live this way. I take care of what needs to be cared for, do what needs to be done.
People are grateful...and I'm grateful for those who appreciate me. That's all I can do. Be what I am. And hope for the best.
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