I haven't felt like writing. Haven't had a need to, I guess. I do it to release what's inside, get the thoughts out of my head. I always have a lot of thoughts, dreams, plans. When they overwhelm me, that's when I need to let them out. Instead of holding them in like I did for the first 30 years of my life...
It's been a tough couple weeks. Tougher than usual, I mean. I've been struggling so much lately, but I've had so many hits in the past 2 weeks. So many losses, surprises...and not the good kind. I can't control life, can't control what others do or even what happens to me. I can control my reaction to it...and I admit, my reactions are not good. But I persevere. I get back up whenever I fall. Always...so far. I worry about the day when I'll be so far gone that I won't be able to get back up. When I won't keep trying, keep hoping. Sometimes I want that to happen...that loss of control, that lack of self. Just so I can rest. It's hard to keep fighting. Day after day, the same battle. I thought I'd be past this by now, I thought I'd be over it. Done with the meds, moving on to a better life. I'm not. I'm still here and it just gets harder. More people, more things to worry about. And I keep falling.
I can only give so much. I forget about that. Or maybe I'm just too stubborn to acknowledge it. I give my all, put my whole heart and soul into everything I do. That's who I am, I can't be any less. I expect that from others -- that same gift back. I don't always get it. Sometimes it's looked at with puzzlement, sometimes it's rejected, sometimes it's returned. Or exchanged for something else, something less valuable. I have to stop caring so much. Stop working so hard for everyone else. I'm completely burnt out. I can't give to everyone...can't give to anyone. Not what they really need. People leave. I'm not good enough. Well, I can't care anymore. I have to focus on myself. Learn how to be selfish. Not worry about what others think. Not give everything. It feels...wrong somehow. But necessary, I guess. People don't understand. Or misunderstand. Or it doesn't matter enough to try to understand. I don't know. I don't understand other people...never have. But I get tired of being alone. In a crowded room I'm more alone than if I'm by myself. But that's life. My life.
One day I'll have more. Or there will be nothing. But I won't do things halfway. Not for anyone.
Thanks for sharing. I have a few things to say in response. 1. Never lose hope but always allow yourself to fall. You don't have to get back up right away. Take a rest, take a breath. Then get back up. I tell myself to keep going for just today and tomorrow try again. It's an every day struggle. Be you . Be good and if doing thongs for other people brings you joy then do it without execration of reciprocation. Find the joy in all you do and don't compromise yourself. Stand up today, reach out to others and find something that brings you joy today. Well, now you've had my two cents. Be good to yourself!!
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