My Thoughts

I guess some of you noticed that I deleted my blog post from yesterday. I don't like to censor myself and I believe that everyone has a right to vent and release their pain through writing. I did release and I believe in everything I said. But I didn't feel right leaving it up there...partly because I'm feeling low and don't have the confidence to stand behind my opinions. And partly because I didn't want anyone to take my statements the wrong way and get offended or hurt. I made general statements about "friends" based on situations that I've been involved in or have witnessed that were bothering me at the time. Mostly dealing with life comparisons and feeling inferior because others seemed to imply that their experiences or emotions or pain or grief were worse than mine. Maybe not directly, and no one has said anything recently to hurt me that way, but the words are out there.

I know that some people have it worse than me...and others have it better. I've gotten both comparisons -- that my problems are minor because this horrific thing happened to them. Or that I'll never have what they have (happiness, a family, a good job, etc) unless I get over my issues or move on and act differently. Be better...be like them. I'm not them. I'm not anyone but me.

I just don't feel that anyone has the right to judge someone else and determine how they should feel or act or react to situations. Because everyone is different, everyone copes in different ways. The most traumatic event for me may not have shattered another. I'm on medications as a result of my aunt's death...that was the trigger that "unbalanced" my brain and made my occasional depression explode into thoughts darker than any I could imagine. I never though I'd be where I am now...uncontrollable anxiety, thoughts of self-harm. So many different meds. Makes my years of emotional self-abuse look like a children's game. It's a struggle every day. But others in my family found better ways to cope. They're living their lives. And they weren't any less grief-stricken than me. Some, like my grandparents who lost their youngest daughter, or my mother and aunt and uncles, who lost their sister, were more broken. Are still broken. They will never heal...I don't think any of us will. But can someone on the outside say that that event is less important, less painful than their event? It's all relative and one person's pain will always be major to that person. Maybe I'm weak and that's why I can't cope. Or maybe I feel so deeply that I took this pain to a higher level...a pain reserved for a different kind of death. I don't know.

This is my battle, my struggle. I'm fighting to stay alive. I'm fighting to be able to function in society and handle all of my responsibilities. Which I do. So maybe I'm stronger than I think. I'm just trying to find my place. And be the best person I can be. And as I said yesterday -- this is for me.