A Better Me

I want to be a better person. Someone who knows what they're doing in life. And knows how to control themselves. Someone who doesn't say too much or too little. Someone who is kind and loving, but doesn't love the wrong people too much. Doesn't give so much. Doesn't need so much. Someone who can be happy and feel peace for more than a minute.

I want to be better. I want this anxiety to go away. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I don't want to hurt myself anymore. I want to eat and live and play and work and have fun. I don't want to live here alone. Alone with the memories, the ghosts haunting me. They don't go away. I can't bury them, I can't un-know them. I can't make the memories fade. Or the pain, or the hurt. Or the joy that doesn't exist anymore. I can't make someone love me if they don't. Or admit their feelings if they do. I can't make the world better. I can't stop him from crying, stop her from feeling pain. I can't bring the dead back. And I can't make the living live more. I can't change anyone. I can only change myself. But I always seem to go right back to where I was. Not a happy place. In the background. In the foreground...but I'm still invisible.

Why do I always feel left out? Not good enough? That I don't belong? I'm not like everyone else....I'm not like anyone else. We say that we're all unique, but that's not true. So many people are similar. And follow the crowd. Hate because their friends hate. Or their family. Stick up for someone who's wrong, instead of the person who's right. Loyalty? What about compassion? Understanding? I don't understand people. But I know more than I did. And it's not good things.

I have trust issues. And abandonment issues. And fears. I overcome them...or just live with them. I can't change who I am. I can't stop this. I can't be a different person. The person who others see? It's not me. People are always disappointed when they get to know me. I'm not what they expect. They look at me and see? What? They talk to me and they should know. But they don't. Dates are never successful. I'm always too quiet. Well...I've changed some. Speak out more...very opinionated. Maybe defensive. And very much lacking in patience. But still, I'm me. Always will be. I can't become whatever it is that I'm supposed to be. And I'm sorry. I have a destiny and I'm failing. I can do better...but I don't want to. I just don't know how or I'm unable physically or falling apart mentally. And I know I can do better. But I don't. Can't. Won't. Maybe better doesn't exist. Maybe this is all there is. I hate it. And I pray.