Discovering Me

I saw this illustration the other day and realized that I am this bear. A lot of my friends are bipolar, and although I can relate to most of what they're going through, I don't KNOW personally. I only have the depressive side, not the manic side. I'm either on the horizon line or below it. I have happy days, of course. Happy moments. But I don't have that joyous high that some describe. That feeling of invincibility, the racing thoughts, the rapid speech and mannerisms. I have anxiety, which makes me feel like my thoughts are racing, my heart is beating fast, and I want to run around in circles. Or beat my head against the wall. But there's nothing pleasurable about it. It's not depression, but it's scary and emotionally painful. I'm more impulsive when I'm in that state and I'm afraid of what I'll do. I hate the loss of control that anxiety brings me. And that question: What's wrong with me? Why is this happening? Little things trigger it, such as stress or worry or frustration, but sometimes it seems to come out of nowhere. I can't always predict when it will happen. And for the past couple months, I couldn't control it without my medication. My "PRN", as needed pill, Xanax. I hate to rely on anything and I hate to be unable to control my life in any way. I'm fiercely independent. I can't stop the thoughts from coming, the panic, the irritation, but in the past I could calm myself with some deep breaths and by rearranging my thinking. Seeing the positive things, having hope that the next hour, the next day will be better. Just putting the situation into perspective and realizing it's not the end of the world. I could do it before, but then after April, I could no longer. More death. Always seems to steal me away from sanity.

I'm on different antidepressants now and my baseline is much higher, so I feel more stable and upbeat and I'm able to pull myself up when I have those moments of weakness. I will fall again, I will be depressed again. It's inevitable. That's why I'm the "uni-polar bear" and not the "bi-polar bear" -- because no matter how happy I am, no matter how "up"...if something bad happens, down I go. Always. The difference is that when my moods are balanced, I don't stay down very long and I'm able to put the worries aside to concentrate on what needs to be done. I can function in society and no one would know what's inside. Except that I don't hide it now, I speak about it. I need to. It helps -- not just me, but others like me. We're all different, we all have our struggles and traumas. Different backgrounds and childhoods. Different relationships and events that shaped us into who we are. But the common factor is that we all feel, we all have pain, and for those of us with these illnesses...we have no control over how our brain functions. I know there are other techniques and treatments that can help manipulate those signals...I'm still learning about them. I've learned a lot through others and my own research. And just by getting to know myself better. Realizing why I react a certain way or behave a certain way in a situation. Looking back on the past to see where the dark thoughts started, where the anxious feelings came from. And looking inside myself to know why it keeps happening. Bad habits, self-esteem issues, uncontrollable emotions. It's all a part of me and some things can't be changed. Others can. And the rest can be improved upon. Because I really want to be better. Maybe I can never be "normal" or mentally healthy, but I know I can be better than this. I'm still searching for ME.