Going nowhere

So it's been about a week and 1/2 since I started on my writing endeavor with Examiner.com. I've written 2 articles, set up a FB page, set up a HootSuite account, Analytics account, changed the links on my social networks, and promoted myself over and over and over. I'm exhausted.

It's fun and good experience and I feel like I'm being productive and moving forward. Hopefully my doc will see it as so when I go in for the follow-up. But I'm not making any money yet (besides a few dollars) and I know UC will be running out soon. Today may be my last time to file. I don't know what I'm going to do. Besides the fact that Christmas is coming up and I still haven't paid all the bills from last month, I don't have a steady income. Basically no income right now. I will freak out very shortly.

There's so much stress in my life right now. And not just with me, but with my friends. That guy needs to leave us alone. Making trouble, harassing us, fake profiles, vile comments. Hateful messages. I'm sorry for my part in it, for not realizing who he was sooner. But it's not my fault. I didn't ask for this. I'm scared for my friend. And I'm worried about my future. I want life to get better, not worse. I need things to get better. The fire still touches me...I'm still at the edge. And I don't care...at those times, I don't care. I could go. And I would be fine with it. I don't care. That's a dangerous state of mind. Hide the knives...

But I have too much hope in me, too much "I never give up". Too much stubbornness and persistence and organization. I work too hard, push too much. But what else is there? It's me. I can't stand still, can't not keep going. Or I'll think and feel and want.

Oh, I want so much. So many things...that have nothing to do with money or possessions or events. Just wants...to fill my heart. To give me peace, pleasure, no pain. Is there a world without pain? I wonder.

I shouldn't feel guilty for hurting bad people...for protecting myself from something potentially harmful or dangerous. And I shouldn't feel like a monster just because I warned other friends about someone who is not a nice person...no matter how many people think so. I'm not obligated to be friends with anyone...or give or do or agree with them. It's so funny, the post about it being ok that we all don't have to agree...that it's ok. That is true and what I believe. But it's funny because of who commented. You can't disagree with them -- that's the whole problem. That's what caused all the drama. But I don't care. Send messages, talk about me, hate me for not doing things your way, for having an opinion of my own. I'm not you. And there's nothing wrong with me. I explained myself and I'm tired of explaining myself. I won't let you bring me down...just because you're mad that you can't get everything you want. I owe you NOTHING.

But I owe Blue my life, my soul, my salvation. People doubt me? I'm as loyal as they come. Others say it's too much. Well, it's not more than anyone else, so why is it ok for them and not me? I'm tired of trying to figure it out. Just stay away from me and I'll stay away from you. You don't matter enough. And what's in my heart is true. Believe it.

I pray for love. And laughter and hope and happiness. Peace for all. And maybe a little bit more. Help me get through this, God. Because I don't know where I'm going. Let it go...