I'm back to the world of contradictions. Sometimes I think everyone can relate to what I'm saying, other times it seems like no one at all understands. Too much happened the past two weeks...and the past two days. I dropped 3 pounds. Very not good. But I can't eat when I'm stressed...so tired. Heartbroken. Beaten. My self-worth is pretty much at a zero. I feel like everything I believed was a lie. Everything I thought I did right, was actually wrong. I know my flaws. I make no secret of what they are. Maybe I say too much, speak from my heart, get emotional. But that's just who I am. I thought they knew that by now. But that's just another part of what makes me "ugly". Contradictions.
I can't trust very many people. And even those who are trustworthy, have their own opinions about what is right and wrong. And voice those thoughts to others. If you have a problem with ME, tell ME. If I hurt you, let me know so I don't do it again. If I come on too strong or care too much, let me know. Kindly, honestly. I don't need to be beat down, I don't like feeling small. But people already know that. They know my weaknesses, my triggers, my fears. The people I confide in most know so much. And they can use it against me. The image of the pile of print-outs on "his" desk...the emails I sent in confidence, as a friend. Used against me to deny me my raise at work. My attitude, personality, skills. I had no management experience, so of course I failed on that level. But it was a betrayal. That was the first time I felt that coldness inside, that punch in the stomach. It wouldn't be the last. The look of disapproval, the harsh words. And that last phone call...when I was apologizing for putting too much pressure on him, absolving him of all responsibilities. And he destroyed me...just because he could. I was vulnerable and he knew where to strike -- because he knew me better than anyone. He said things that were untrue...but at the time I let myself believe them. I let myself believe that I was crazy and everything that happened was my fault. I destroyed the friendship/relationship because I wasn't good enough as a person. I wasn't normal. There was no friendship. There was nothing. It was as if the past year never happened, never existed.
I got myself past that recently. I moved on. I know I'm not crazy -- he just didn't understand. He was cruel. I didn't fit into his ideal world. And he could never give me what I needed -- love, compassion, support. I know what I need, and I will not settle. But I also know that it will be hard. I have hope, but no expectations. I can make it on my own.
I'm not looking for someone to "fix" me. I fix myself...been doing it for years. Putting on the game face, acting "normal", smiling smiling smiling. People still can't tell. Of course, if they looked close enough and listened hard enough, it would be obvious. I can't hide the pain in my eyes. I can't stop being me.
What do I need in a man? Someone who will listen when I have a hard day...and comfort me. Or listen when I have a happy day...and celebrate with me. Someone who values me and sees my worth...no many how many flaws I have, no matter how much they dislike about me -- they still think I'm wonderful. To them I'm beautiful -- because they see my soul. I don't care about looks, or profession, or education, or height, or weight. Of course I have physical preferences, things that turn me on or make me take notice. But what does it really matter? If I love someone, they're the most beautiful thing in the world to me. I've never dated a model or "hot" guy. Just regular guys...with pretty eyes (by my standards, but then I have a thing for big eyes and long eyelashes). I never thought of myself as beautiful, certainly not gorgeous. But so many people keep telling me I'm pretty...so I'm starting to believe it. That maybe my nose isn't so bad, my freckles and small figure are good things. Or at least acceptable. I know I look good when I dress up, when my hair looks nice, when I have the right make up on. I can see it. But all of the past abuse is there too. Those thoughts and doubts never quite leave. Don't belittle me for having a weakness. For having self-esteem issues. And don't compliment my looks and then tell me looks aren't enough...and that my personality is lacking. I'm confused. I don't know what to believe. I want people to think I'm pretty...but I want someone to adore me as a person.
I was hurt beyond belief. Was it worse than last year, last July? I don't know. I lost someone I considered my best friend then. Yes, that was worse. I didn't know how I could survive that pain. I don't know how I did. It sent me to my knees. Broke me. And so did this. Because I never knew how I looked to him. What he saw when he looked at me, read what I wrote. I never knew. It makes me feel ashamed of myself. That there are so many things, personality traits, feelings, fears, that are considered heinous. To another good friend. I thought I was loved and appreciated. But I was being disapproved of. A tally of all of my faults. Ready to be displayed for all to see. And the biggest kick of all...kids. I'm not fit to be a parent. Who wants to create a child with someone like me? Someone who will not only pass this "disease" to the child, but who will damage the child just by raising it...maybe just by proximity to me. Like I'm Medusa...one look will turn you to stone. Well, not stone, but getting close to me is like poison. I touch you, care about you, and you're infected. The only way to stop it is to beat me with a stick until I fall and then get far away from me. Taking everything with you. The past, the love, the trust, the hope. Everything good goes. Because I'm not good for anyone. But then, why do so many say I am good for them? That I help them? They agree that these issues are so horrible and keeping me from living a normal life, that I'm not progressing fast enough or in the right direction, or that I'll never change, never be good enough. But then say that I'm a good person and we all have our issues. I don't understand.
I can't be what others want me to be. And I'm not what everyone thinks I am. There's so much you don't know. You can't. You don't know my past...even if you know the events, you don't know the feelings. The panic, the fear. You can laugh at me, look at me in disbelief because I get sick to my stomach about a subject you find normal or funny or stupid. You can put me down for not speaking out about something that I don't want to be involved in...or for speaking out in defense of something that offends me. But why are you the judge of what's right and wrong? If I feel a certain way about things or react a certain way -- there's always a reason. Maybe you can't see it or understand it. Maybe it's the stupidest thing you ever heard. But it's mine. Respect me enough to leave it alone. To let me have a difference of opinion. If it's something that bothers me on a soul-shattering level, it's because of an event in the past. Post-traumatic stress disorder maybe. I do flashback, constantly. Certain smells, words, sounds, images bring back traumatic events. Maybe in your mind, in your life they wouldn't be considered traumatic. Or maybe you went through it yourself and it didn't affect you the same...or you got past it. If I haven't, even if I never get over the fear or grief or pain...please don't consider me a failure. I'm not you. I'm not like everyone else. Even if I'm wrong or stubborn or defensive, I'm not evil. I don't deserve to be treated like a criminal. Worse than a criminal, because they get a defense. If I do something wrong, I apologize. God punishes me enough if I don't listen to my intuition. I punish myself daily for thoughts and actions and words...no matter how innocent or helpful. But I believe that I don't deserve to be punished for who I am. I can change things, improve, compromise. But I was created this way for a reason. If God can love me as I am and blesses me with good things, then why am I expected to change? Why can't others look at me and see something worthwhile? The most damaged person in the world still deserves some hope, and help. And I would marry someone who's damaged...because I would do everything in my power to help them. Or just be there for them. I won't turn away, I won't belittle them. They're more worth my time than the "normal" people.
I just needed to clear my head. Look at this from another way. I don't hate anyone. I haven't said all the things I was accused of. I'm not really a bad person. I make mistakes, I say the wrong things or the right things in the wrong way. But I speak from my heart. I don't lie, I don't hold back if something needs to be said. I stand up for those who can't stand on their own. I'll argue to infinity and beat a million dead horses. I'll bring up issues from the past and show how much I'm hurt...to make you hurt. But I don't attack. I don't list people's faults. If I'm mad, it's because of something you did TO me or someone I care about. Not because of who you are. Not because of the little things that annoy me. I don't even think of that stuff in a fight. It's all about emotions and actions and events. Words hurt. They cut and burn and freeze. They destroy relationships and families and lives. Something is gone now. I'll never get that trust back. And I'll always have this memory...popping up to choke me when I'm at a low point. It's forever now. Nothing can stop it.
I apologized. I should have said nothing. But that's not my way, not anymore. I speak my mind. Too much explaining. But they don't know me and it irritated me that they thought they did...that they were going to educate ME? It wasn't about him. None of the last few were about him. Love was in my heart, for my friend. I was worried. I was sad. And yes, I talked about myself because that's how I show that I relate to what's said. I compared myself to her. Because I felt like I was being compared...that the world was being compared. My fault. I should care less. But I don't regret what was said, because I meant it. If I say something, I mean it. I don't pretend. If I'm mad at you, you'll know it. I don't smile and act like your best friend while inside thinking what an idiot you are. That's wrong. And I don't beat anyone down just to see them writhe in pain. To know I have that power over them. I don't want power like that. Anything I create will be from me, to make me better, stronger. I'm ambitious, but I don't use others to achieve my goals. That's pathetic to me. And so weak. If you want something done, do it yourself.
I'm independent. I thought people knew. I'm liberal and believe in freedom of choice...and the strength of women. Although I do have traditional values. But I don't need a man to rescue me or help me or save me from myself. When did I ever say I did? I don't want a knight or a prince -- I stopped believing in fairy tales long ago. Who wants to be rescued like some helpless maiden? I'm not helpless and I won't be seen like that. Maybe I appear weak to others...maybe depression and mood shifts and insecurities are weaknesses, oddities, something vile and disgusting. Yes, I've been told how messed up I am, how strange, how crazy. I'm not though. I know I'm not. There are medical reasons for this and I can track when certain issues started. Why I feel like this when this happens. Triggers, memories. There's always a reason. Do you know my reasons? If you listen you should. Don't judge me and don't try to change me. I don't like advice from people who don't know what this is like...or someone younger than me trying to educate me on the world. I'm not stupid...I even graduated college. I watch, I learn. I know what works for me and what doesn't. There's a lot that I don't know and I will admit that. If you have a helpful suggestion...say it kindly. Send me a link, an article, post my favorite song to cheer me up. Don't throw something in my face that you know will hurt me just to make me live life your way, to make a lifestyle change to become like you. Maybe your way is best, maybe it worked for you. But I'm not a child who needs to be taught. Let me explore at my own pace and do things my way. Don't tell me I need to get out of my comfort zone or go out and do something fun or act differently. There's a reason that I don't do certain things, a reason why I'm unable to go out in public or do something physical. I will no longer push myself until I pass out or double over in pain or shake so badly I scream. I don't need to do "normal" activities just to prove a point to someone. I owe no one anything. This is MY life. I don't tell you how to live yours...don't you see?
This isn't meant for anyone. I just had to say what was on my mind. No one has to read this, or try to understand. No one has to do anything anymore. I'm on my own the way I want to be. I like my privacy, I'm used to this. But that doesn't mean that I don't want to share my world with someone. Just because I don't want to be rescued by a man on a white charger, doesn't mean I wouldn't like to be swept off my feet. And held. Just look at me and hold me. That's all. Just look at me...and love me for who I am.
I'm grateful for my friends -- the TRUE friends. Who stick up for me and check up on me and pray for me. Those who hurt for me as I hurt for them. They got me through this...and so much more. And Blue. They make it better...I've always said that. They are my peace, my joy, my salvation. Anyone can see. But that's enough. I've learned a lot lately. About friendship, expectations, needs, responsibilities. What I think is important and necessary isn't for everyone. What I think is wrong behavior, others find acceptable. I make no apologies for doing what I think is right. For fighting back, for helping those in need, for relying on those I can trust. I may need constant validation...because depression strips your confidence, your self-esteem, makes you a different person. I can't see the love, I can't see anything but pain. So I need the words, the actions -- to remind me. I'm sorry if anyone feels unappreciated. But if I reach out and no one's there, I feel lost and alone. There's nothing I can do about that. And I can't force myself to love myself. There are issues I have to deal with. But it's not true that no one will love me if I don't love myself -- because a lot of people love me and have my whole life. And I haven't always loved myself. So where is that true? That's just another put down. That I have to be a certain type of person for someone to love me. No, love me for who I am NOW. I need it now. Don't wait. Good, bad, happy, sad. At my worst, at my best. Don't try to change me. Don't tell me I'm wasting my life. It's mine to do with as I please. If you can't accept that...why are you here? If you want something else, go after it. Everyone's free. If your life is better without me, go live it. I hold no one to me. My daily choices, while I sit here in my apartment, don't affect you at all. Turn off your computer and walk away. I'll still be doing what I'm doing...but how does it touch you at all? You can't even see me. I've said time and time again that I should stay away from people...but they say no, we need you here. But then they don't like what I do or say...they don't want me around. Not so close...or not so far when they need something. Someone always needs something. Especially when I'm having the worst day. What do you want? Can't I have peace? God, I'm just tired. Done venting, I think. I'll be ok. And I'm going to live my life for me. So when I die, I'll have died free. Not living as someone else. No matter how horrible I am, how weak or pathetic my life, it's mine.
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