Lost

Feeling very lost today. Very alone and helpless. I know I have lots of support, a lot of people who can relate to what I'm going through and understand me. But I'm single, I'm the only one who handles my responsibilities, the only one who makes the daily decisions in my life. I can turn to people for advice, but they can't do anything. They have their own lives, their own families. My parents help a lot...financially lately. But they can't take away the worries, they can't stop the bill collectors from calling...and now a law firm has left a message. I'm only about 6 months behind in my credit card payments and I send money when I can. But I can't pay the full monthly payment, so they say it's not good enough. I've been on payment plans that I can't afford, I've had them deferred. That runs out and I'm more in debt than when I started. It's not worth it. But I'm tired of the fear. I'm not someone who runs away, not someone who ignores what must be done. But I have. I'm turning into what I once looked down on. This isn't me. But what can I do? Call a credit counseling place? Did that before, when things weren't so bad...and they treated me horribly. All I wanted was information on how it works, the options outlined for me. But they tried to pressure me into making a decision, signing up with their company over the phone immediately. There was no counseling involved in that process, no talking over the options, no asking whether working an extra shift would help, or could I get a loan from someone. There were 2 choices, both of which would affect my credit negatively...and I still had time to fix it positively. But they didn't care, it was this way or that way and if you don't do it, you're "not serious about getting help". I don't jump into anything without research, without being sure. I kept saying that...and they wouldn't let it go. I told him that I'm not trying to be rude, but I'm not interested and I'm going to hang up now. He called back and left a nasty message on my answering machine. It made me feel harassed. I sent an email to his superior...don't know what came about it, but they stopped emailing and calling. But you can see why I hesitate to go that route.

But now things are worse. I have no credit. The good saver who always paid her bills on time has become someone who can barely make rent, who has no money for food, who is too sick (mentally and physically) to handle a job...or just getting out of bed at times. I moved here to save myself...so that I wouldn't kill myself. I moved here because of the racial diversity, the beauty of this area. Because I felt safe and comfortable. But I can't afford it...and so I'm in debt. But if I go back to what was...I won't survive. The anxiety beats me down, I feel strangled as soon as I step foot in that city. I hate to look at it. I only visit because my family lives there. And to be honest, the only reason I don't hurt myself is because I wouldn't want them to find me that way. My aunt's death devastated us all...and that was from a blood clot. If I take my life or do something self-destructive...it'll kill them. I won't do that. I'm the one who's supposed to sacrifice for them, supposed to hold all of the pain, to take away their suffering. I would give up my life for my friends and family...if it would save them. I would go away forever...if it would make their lives better. I leave "him" alone, so as not to burden him with my craziness. So he can be happy. I just wish I could make people happy instead of ruining their lives. I try to be good, I give, I care, I help. I love so deeply there's barely room for it all. I love those who turn away from me, who hate me for what I am. Because...because I can't help it. It's me.

I'm in a bad place. I have ups and downs. Good days. But I'm so far behind. Falling so far. I want to go away. I will be going away...taking a break from "this life" and seeing what's out there on the other side of the country. I feel guilty and scared and excited. It's wrong to ignore the problems and go somewhere that will make me feel better. But I need to. I need my friends...and they need me. I need my Blue. Whether they can see me or not. I wish...I wish he cared and would be happy this time. But the music sustains me. Saves me. I mean that literally. When I'm on the edge, when the dark thoughts are drowning me...they pull me back. They keep me here. I thank them for that. Never can I give what they give to me. I try to show my love in my group. Everyone knows how I feel. I wish people understood that it's a good thing to feel this way, to be this devoted. Some do. Maybe it's jealousy that I came out of nowhere and got this far, made this much for them. I do it out of love...not charity, not craziness. I'm not a crazy psycho fan. I'm just a girl who loves music. And appreciates good people. I would never hurt them. I protect them. No one knows the whole story. No one knows what's inside.

I feel better now. Because my friends on Twitter responded to my cry. They help. Everyone helps. No matter what happens, no matter what I say or do, please know that I'm grateful for every single one of you. All those on Facebook who changed my life -- who gave me life. This new place, where I can be me. All the gifts, the kind words, the messages, the talks. The smiles. I love you all. I'll try not to disappoint you. But I can't promise. I'll keep trying, long as I'm able. I'll keep going.

I'm looking forward to a good thing. Please God, don't take it from me. Please answer my prayers. I have to pray for me this time. Save them all...as always. But save me too.