As We Go Along

I haven't written in a while...not because I haven't had a need to, but because I couldn't find the words. My life has been full of ups and downs. I'm moody and overemotional by nature. I worry too much and I'm a light sleeper. That's just me. But the extremes -- the major depressive episodes or anxiety or panic attacks or mental/physical breakdowns are not the real me. Although they are a part of me. Since starting the new meds a month ago, I have been more balanced. Not depressed and less anxious. I feel like I have control -- that's the important thing to me. But I've had my sad moments and let the worries take over. I can't stop it from happening, but I can fight against it. With meds, with thoughts, with time. I keep trying.

I read something today that upset me. It talked about changing negative thinking to positive thinking, which is a good thing and something I'm working on. But it also said that one reason to change yourself is because negative people are a "drag" to be around and no one wants you in their lives. They will avoid you and cut you out. I've experienced this in the past...and probably will again. It hurts SO much. To know that people think that of you. That the reason they don't like you is because of how you're made inside, not what you've done. You're not a bad person, you're just not quite good enough. That the only solution is to change who you are. Yeah, I can understand why no one wants to read the same complaints over and over or gets tired of hearing that every day is a bad day for someone. But if you care about that person, none of that should matter. You support them through the good AND the bad...no matter how bad. Especially if you know that they're not just complaining or being dramatic for attention. If you know that they have an illness or are going through a low period in their lives. You know the circumstances and you can relate. So, if you know all of this...why turn your back? Why criticize? Why hurt and make them feel ashamed? Why choose to keep certain friends and not others? Why? But they do. Because they don't want to see it or don't want to accept it or they feel that you're not worth the extra effort. You won't do it their way, so there's no way. I know this. And I still hold on to those people who have already let me go. I'm working on that too. Because, as they don't need a person like me in their lives, I don't need a person like them in mine. I'm not obligated to be the good girl all the time, the agreeable one, the forgiver. I'm walking away now...and those who love me are already by my side, walking with me. I'm not alone. And I'm grateful for that.

And let it be said -- no one brings me down. I pick people up when I can, encourage them. But either way, I always listen, I always support -- no matter how bad. Because everyone needs a friend. Everyone deserves love and respect. And we all deserve to speak for ourselves -- whether positive or negative. If you keep all of the negativity inside, it eats at you, destroys you. I let it happen to me. And I'm not anymore. So it comes out. No one has to read it. I'm not forcing anyone. I don't put my problems in anyone's face...they stay on my page, on my blog. It's their choice whether to let it in or not. I'm no longer taking responsibility for anyone else's reactions or emotions. No longer protecting everyone from my "ugly side". I have to live my own life, my way. And be free.

So where am I today? Still trying to figure out where to go from here. How to get to the place where I want to be. The ME I want to be. It's a long journey, with a lot of pitfalls ahead. I will fall. I will fail. But, I know how to pick myself up and try again. Each time I succeed I go to the next level. Each time I push myself past my limit, there's always a little more beyond it. I keep going. And I intend to be happy. Maybe only for a day or a week or a month. But I will be happy. It's not the end result for me anymore...it's the journey now.