Dawn of a New Day

I slept through the night for the first time in weeks. It felt strange, but good. I've been on "vampire time" lately -- up until sunrise and sleeping during the day. I can't sleep for more than a few hours at a time, so it's like taking short naps throughout the day...with very intense dreams included. I know it's my S.A.D. at work because I can't seem to relax until the sun comes up. I went through this last summer too. Although, Seasonal Affective Disorder is always worse during the winter. To quote my favorite band: "But October fell and broke my shell and all I knew was down". That's been my life for the past 3 years...deep depression from October to February. December's the worst month because it's the anniversary of my aunt's death. I don't believe it's a coincidence that I "found Blue" (was introduced to Blue October) in October of last year. I needed something to ease the pain and they were that gift. They make me feel comforted, they make me scream, they make me cry, they make me hopeful. They have changed my life for the better and I'm very grateful that I got to meet them in April and see two shows. I'm also grateful for all of the wonderful people that I have met (online and in person) as a result of this band. My "Blue Family".

So that brings me to the reason for this post. I created my fan group "Blue Obsessed" as a result of a conversation between me and two other Blue October fans to give us a safe place to discuss the band and post videos, etc. It has grown into much more than that and I'm very proud of all of the work that I have done. But in my effort to please everyone and my need to be the first to post something new, I have forgotten that I have to please myself too. My page is my happy place because I enjoy promoting the band and sharing that love with others. I will continue to do that. But I get so frustrated when no one else contributes or shares my page with other fans. Maybe my expectations are just too high. I'm an ambitious, hard-working person by nature, so I put a lot of pressure on myself. It's unfair of me to put those expectations on others. It's also affecting my health to work so hard and take care of everyone else's needs. So I'm going to take a step back. Assess my priorities and do what needs to be done, step by step...slowly.

I have to find my balance again. Last year I had to find that middle place between the shy girl who never stood up for herself and the aggressive woman who spoke out too much. Took me a long time and there were many obstacles that I had to overcome. Now I have to find the balance between the person who gives too much and is left empty at the end, and the person who is needy and making demands that no one is able to satisfy. We all make our choices and we're all made differently. I'm a "giver"...it's genetic, it's how I was raised, it's natural to me and brings me joy. Some people are the opposite -- they use people to get what they want and selfishly hurt others in their quest for personal satisfaction. I'll never be that person and don't want to be. But I do need to take a little more of life for myself. Put myself first and then give what I can to my friends and family. It's hard because that's never my first thought. But I can change my thinking to do what's best for my current situation. And I'll continue to improve and move forward. I have a lot of battles left and I need to be strong.

I have help, a support system. Great people in my life who have found that balance already...or are still searching for it themselves. I never had so many people who were just like me and understood what all of these thoughts and feelings were like. In many ways I'm still alone, still feel misunderstood at times. I explain myself too much. But only because I want people to know me...and accept me. I'm very independent, stubborn, moody, and hold grudges. But I'm also very loving and loyal and sweet and empathetic. I need to be loved for all sides of me, unconditionally. I'm very protective of those I love and if you're in my heart, you'll be there forever. But forever's a long time...and I can only start with today.