I've been contemplating my life a lot lately. And life in general. I'm not where I want to be financially, physically, mentally. I have a lot of work to do on myself and a lot of goals and dreams to accomplish. I want a rewarding career, I want to be healthy, I want to have a baby. And hopefully find a man who loves me and cherishes me as much as I do him. What I do have are great friends and family, people who support and encourage me and stand beside me when the days are tough. Which are a lot of days right now. My anxiety is at an all time high and I don't have the control I need. I'm afraid of where this will lead me. But I can only take it a minute at a time...a day at a time.
I'm "supposed" to be a Fashion Designer. That's what I have a degree in. I'm "supposed" to be married with kids by now. I'm 32 and single. At the very least I'm "supposed" to have a job. Not be unemployed for a year. I'm "supposed" to be off the depression meds by now. But I need them more than ever. Of course there are legitimate reasons why I'm not any of these things. Most out of my control. I could try harder. I'm always one for hard work. But I don't do something just for the sake of doing it, just because that's what I'm "supposed" to do. So here I am.
I had a conversation today...unexpected, but at a time when I really needed it. And it helped me put things into perspective. I've been getting involved in music for the past 9 months or so. Started just posting links to songs that I liked from various bands, mainly Blue October. My love for that band eventually developed into a group page on Facebook. But I've also promoted events and videos and info about other bands, and I've gotten to be good friends with many of the members. I came across Deep Ella on a fellow Blue fan's page and loved their music instantly. I have been promoting them since January and even got a little insight into how a studio recording session works. They are great guys and immensely talented and I'm proud of all of the hard work they put into this new album. And the part that makes me feel proud of myself is that they appreciate everything I've done for them and never fail to let me know how valuable I am.
I considered myself just "helping" them. I mean, how hard is it to share a link on various social networks or post a video or get my friends to join their fanpage? But now I see that I was "working" for them. This was a job to me, not just a hobby. The only difference is that I'm not getting paid for it. But happiness is its own reward...and doing this makes me happy. Being so immersed in music these past months has brought me some of my greatest pleasure. This is what was missing. I played the clarinet since 4th grade but stopped after I graduated high school. I taught myself the guitar a few years ago, but haven't kept up with it. I've always listened to all types of music and it was always a part of me, as much as art and writing. I'll never be a great musician and I don't need to be. Playing music that I like brings me joy. Listening to music from artists I respect and admire stirs my soul. Blue October saves me everyday and keeps me from feeling alone. Deep Ella relaxes me. Flyleaf brings out my spiritual side. Lisa Lavie gives me something my heart can relate to. All of these special people bring something to my life that I can't get elsewhere.
I'm looking into getting a job in music promotion, most likely the PR side. It will take time and work and a lot of learning. But this feels right. And so it begins...
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