Sorry

"I'm really sick of saying sorry but I will." ~ Overweight (my favorite song by Blue October)

I'm feeling guilty and sad and paranoid. Feeling like I'm doing everything wrong, not saying things the best way. Hurting people. Hurting them with the truth? I guess so...since what I said in my last post was the truth. It's hard for me to be so open, so honest about everything that's inside of me. It's hard for me to let others see it. I'm a very private, reserved person. If you meet me in person, you see that. But online I think I come across as open and aggressive and opinionated. I can be. I can also be defensive and bitter and vindictive. When someone hurts me, I want to hurt them back. Not because I like to hurt people, but because I want them to feel my pain. I want them to understand that it wasn't something minor or trivial, not something I can forget about. I was never taken seriously before. Never accepted for who I truly was. I was always expected to change. Even now...people say I have to get better, I have to get off the meds, I have to do this to be this way or not do this to be that way. It's why I hate criticism and advice. I can't ever live up to it. But some suggestions are helpful and I really appreciate the effort. It's all in the approach though. If you come to me and start the sentence with "You need to do..." or "Stop doing/acting like..." -- it's going to put my back up and turn me off automatically. Then I get defensive. And if more than one person says it (or someone else agrees with the first person) I feel attacked. Paranoia, I guess. But you have to understand, not everyone reacts to words or actions or events the same way. For some people you have to be gentle and listen to their needs. For others you have to state your case and say what needs to be done. I learned that as a supervisor at my last job. But either way, there's no reason to be disrespectful or cruel. No reason to belittle someone or put them down for their personality or choices or beliefs. No reason to make someone feel inferior if if they do something differently than you...it doesn't make their way wrong. Especially when you know they're already vulnerable. Kicking someone when they're down is the most damaging thing you can do. It destroys their trust, their self-esteem, their confidence. And it reinforces that those depressed or self-destructive thoughts are accurate. If the people who say they love you are telling you all the things you're doing wrong, listing your faults...then it must be true. If everyone tells you that being shy/quiet is not normal and you need to grow out of it...or that you have a big nose and should get plastic surgery...or that you're not worth the effort to get to know...or that you're odd because you're in your late 20's and haven't had a baby yet (or in your 30's and not married yet)...or that if you change your thoughts and start "acting right" then the depression will go away -- well, it must be true. If so many different people have said it, over so many years...it must mean something. Even if you know you're better than that, even if you can see that they're trying to hurt you or help you or just don't know how to understand you...eventually you start to wonder. You have doubts. Especially if you're a worrier and have low self-esteem to begin with.

I'm going on and on and getting off the subject. My mind is wandering. Xanax kicking in. I was feeling so sick with guilt and worry, shaking with it, in pain. Depression really does hurt physically. I wish people could accept this. Just because you can't see it with your eyes or it's not a physical disease, doesn't mean that it's not just as serious. It's a terminal illness for some. At the very least, it's a life-long ailment. I know that no matter how much "better" I get, I'll still have moments of self-doubt. Those hateful thoughs, worries, anxiety. But I'm learning to control it, learning what triggers it. Understanding myself, visiting the past to see where it originated has helped. My friends with similar issues have helped. My family has helped. Many people have helped in many ways. So many unexpected gifts. I have a lot of support. And I do appreciate it.

Which is why I wrote this. I am truly sorry if I offended or hurt anyone with my last blog post. I was angry and hurt and needed to get it out. I won't censor myself...although I don't tell every detail. I'm subtle sometimes...but if you read between the lines, you can figure out what I didn't say. I worry that my family will read it and worry. I worry that my friends will think I'm mad at them or think I think they don't care about me. I know they care, I know some love me. But if I can't hear it or see it...I don't know that's it's there, that they're there. And I love them. It's hard for me to say it. That shy, self-conscious part of me again. But I do show it...I do let them know I'm there somehow. At least I try to. I'm just not good with words...but in writing I am. I guess. I don't know, I'm confused. I still think my words come out wrong sometimes. But at least when I write I have the confidence to say what I'm thinking, what I feel. Because no one's looking at me while I do it. I can post it and walk away. But then I regret what I said...because it's coming from inside me and makes me feel vulnerable. But I need to get it out. And I need other people to read it. I need people to know now. I hid for so long. I need to not hide anymore.

But at the same time I want to protect everyone. I want to help and give them what they need. It's hard and takes a lot out of me, but it's who I am and what I need to do. I like when people come to me and think I can help or know something they don't know. I like being popular...being wanted. It's different for me -- having this much social interaction with so many people. Which is why it's overwhelming at times. I try. I try so hard to do so much and please everyone. I can't. And I know that I shouldn't. Some people will hate me for being so nice, so "good", so ambitious and knowledgeable. I don't understand why anyone would be jealous of the things I know or do...because they can do it too. But I understand that other people don't have that drive. Some people don't have the same values I do or believe that the things that are important (and necessary) to me are even worth thinking about or doing. I'm learning about human nature. It's very disappointing at times. Because I know that things could be so much better. I can be better -- that's why I keep improving, keep trying. If one way doesn't work, try another way. I don't give up. I'm very loyal and I hold on tightly to things that matter. I run towards rather than away. I face my fears because I don't want them to control me. I don't want anything or anyone to control me. Because I had no control before. There are reasons for everything I do, everything I think. Even if I don't know what they all are yet. Please have patience with me. Please give me another chance...

I'm sorry for all those that I hurt -- past, present, future. I'm not perfect...not even close. I have my bad side, bad habits, bad thoughts. But I have a good heart -- I feel that in myself the way I feel it in others. I go by my feelings, my intuition to guide me. I'm trying, I'm doing, I'm achieving. I make mistakes, I do things wrong. I punish myself for it...so there's no need for anyone else to do so, ok? But I want to help you. I want to help you. I want to make things better. I don't know how. I just...want things to be better.

Where am I now?

A few days ago I was thinking "Who am I?". I guess I figured that part out. It's been a rough week. I was at a very very low point this past weekend. I don't know if I can say it's the lowest I've ever been...but I can say that the thoughts and plans I had were the most self-destructive and suicidal that I have ever had. I was as close to the edge as I could get without jumping off. Why didn't I? Because I had doubts. I couldn't figure out a definite plan, I wasn't ready. I still don't want to hurt my family that way...or leave my hamster alone to die. But I thought of ways around all that. Well, not the destroying my family part...that would require me to be so far gone that I didn't care anymore...that I didn't feel. I was very numb, very uncaring about others. I had to be...it hurt too much otherwise. I told myself I wasn't needed...that people's lives would go on without me. That even what I do provide, they can find somewhere else. They already have it, so what's the point of me giving it? I'm very tired of giving my all and getting pieces in return. There's just so much going on, so many triggers this time of year. It's bad. And I won't pretend anymore. I can't protect everyone anymore.

I hate to worry people. I hate to have to put it in their faces to make them see how real, how serious this is. No one wanted to see before. And even now...people turned away instead of reaching out. It hurt and disappointed me. I thought I was closer to some people than that. I'm told "You can count on me, I'll always be there for you, all you have to do is ask...". But I was right there -- my post was there for all to see. Was I supposed to call up everyone until I found someone to answer while I was lying in bed in pain? Was it my responsibility to reach out to them when I was the one in need? It was obvious that I was hurting and in a very bad place -- because one friend did text me and ask if I was ok. She said she noticed I hadn't been around. Others saw...they said they did, later. But they stayed silent. Until I somehow pulled myself together, found the strength to keep going, pulled hope out of nothingness -- and called the doctor to increase my meds. I did it -- I did it myself. And then all the messages and comments came in...everyone was so supportive and caring then. Very easy to find something to say when I'm doing better? I fixed it myself. I always do. I appreciate the love...but what if I hadn't made it through the weekend? Would you have said the words at my funeral?

I know people care about me. I know they try to understand. But there are limits and conditions. That's what I can't accept. That's what disappoints me. The words, but no action. Excuses, explanations. The fact that there were hundreds of people who saw my distress and did NOTHING to stop it. Not a word -- no "hope you feel better" or "how are you". Is that so difficult? It's not -- because I do it for others. All the encouragement and prayers. All the times I answered messages when people needed me...but I was depressed myself. Times when I was crying but I got up and helped them. All the questions...don't I always answer the questions? Don't I always comment back? I was THERE. Where are my prayers, my help from those same people? Not there. They turn away. And not just from me, but from their other friends too. It's why I'm so adamant about speaking up and showing people that I am there...that they are not alone. I see so much. And I remember it all. I'm sorry...it just wasn't good enough this time. I can't just brush it aside and say, "oh well, better late than never." Because it almost was too late. Tomorrow doesn't always come.

But something good came out of this. I know who I can count on. I know how people see me and what to expect. I know that I have the strength in me to survive. My biggest fear (depression-wise) is that I'll lose control and end up in the hospital. I wasn't afraid of that a few days ago...I considered calling for someone to take me. I thought I'd need to, that it would be best. But I was able to get past it. I'm glad, because I don't know if I would survive being in the mental hospital. I don't think that I'd be taken care of the way I need to be. I can't trust anyone to take care of me. I trust no one but myself with my life. Funny isn't it...when I'm the one who values it the least?

I know I'm better than this. I know I'm the good and the bad that others see -- and say. Words do hurt, you know. The bad is amplified to extremes in myself -- I'm so insecure and self-hating. But I don't want to feel like that. I don't want to worry until I make myself physically sick or starve myself to suffer. I don't want to have anxiety that makes me feel out of control or the fear that I'll hurt myself. Or this anger that makes me want to hurt someone else. I held it all inside for so long, no one looked close enough to see...and those that caught a glimpse got a smile in return. I don't want to pretend anymore. Maybe I say too much...I don't know how not to be honest. I'm a good person, I love very deeply. But there's something very bad inside of me too...and it wants out. It's been in there since I was a kid...but I could ignore it then. Now I can't. That's the thing that I want to kill -- not myself. I don't want to die...I'm scared of it. I can't handle it when others die...feels like everyone is disappearing. Major abandonment issues. Major issues, period. I have a lot to overcome and a lot to improve. I'm still trying to figure out how.

I lost hope last weekend. But I found it again. Maybe I can find the rest of the answers too. I'm still here.

Coming Down

It's very hard for me to be happy. I feel like I don't deserve it. Or if I'm happy and let down my guard, something bad will happen. It has in the past. But bad things happen whether I'm happy or sad. Things just happen...and we can't control them. I hate not having control.

The problem with being happy when you have depression, is that when you're up that high, you have a long way to fall. For me it's usually not gradual, it's sudden. Devastating. A complete change of mood. Maybe because I'm so emotional, so in tune with everything inside me and around me. I feel so much. I have learned to shut it off, distance myself so that the outside emotions don't touch me...so I don't absorb them and become them. But it's very hard to separate myself from reality when I get bad news about a family member or friend. Pretty much impossible. Somehow I deal. I really don't know how.

Last weekend was one of the best times of my life. I did a lot of things I never experienced before. Traveled across the country by myself. I was very scared. But I did it. And now I know that I can do anything. What seemed hard before seems minor now. Now that I did the most frightening and stressful thing of my life. It wasn't just the flight or the planning or the new surroundings. Or even talking to people I don't know well and being in social situations (which I'm not good at). It was fear that I wouldn't be able to handle it mentally or physically because of my depression/anxiety and low weight. If the newest meds hadn't worked so well, I wouldn't have been able to go. If I hadn't gotten my weight up a few pounds, I never would have been able to walk around and enjoy the scenery. I would have passed out or broken down. I wouldn't have been stable or strong enough. But everything worked out. God gave me so many gifts. Everything I asked for and more. It makes me want to cry when I think of how wonderful it was...great friends, an amazing concert, so much fun. So MUCH.

But now I'm back to reality, back to my old life. I'm not the same as I was, my life isn't really the same. I accomplished something major. I faced multiple fears. I accepted what came, I gave to others...and got a lot in return. But it's been a week. And although the memories are still fresh, although my heart is still full, I'm not happy. I'm beginning the descent...back to my baseline, I suppose. But it's a downfall and feels like I'm becoming depressed. Coming down from happy feels like that. Even when I have high anxiety (which is NOT happy), Xanax brings me down and feels slightly depressing. I'm not depressed though, and hope I don't go down that far. I'm having "Blue withdrawals"...but that's to be expected. I'm so satisfied with the show and meeting the guys afterward. All of my pics. I'm so happy with that. And I still have my group page, new members. It makes me happy that people like my website, appreciate how hard I work to keep it updated. It gives me a purpose, makes me feel needed. My friends make me feel needed and wanted. Never have I felt that so much as when I was in Utah. Even before...they wanted me to come so badly. I love them for it, for everything. I'm so insecure and my confidence is low...but I felt pretty and wanted and needed and like a real person. I'll never be the fun party girl...but they like me for who I am. I don't know why...but they do.

So we'll see what happens now. Job searching again. Figuring out my life...again. Love? Only if it's mutual. Equal. Think I'm finally moving on. Finally accepting the truth. And...maybe I can be better, somehow.

Lost

Feeling very lost today. Very alone and helpless. I know I have lots of support, a lot of people who can relate to what I'm going through and understand me. But I'm single, I'm the only one who handles my responsibilities, the only one who makes the daily decisions in my life. I can turn to people for advice, but they can't do anything. They have their own lives, their own families. My parents help a lot...financially lately. But they can't take away the worries, they can't stop the bill collectors from calling...and now a law firm has left a message. I'm only about 6 months behind in my credit card payments and I send money when I can. But I can't pay the full monthly payment, so they say it's not good enough. I've been on payment plans that I can't afford, I've had them deferred. That runs out and I'm more in debt than when I started. It's not worth it. But I'm tired of the fear. I'm not someone who runs away, not someone who ignores what must be done. But I have. I'm turning into what I once looked down on. This isn't me. But what can I do? Call a credit counseling place? Did that before, when things weren't so bad...and they treated me horribly. All I wanted was information on how it works, the options outlined for me. But they tried to pressure me into making a decision, signing up with their company over the phone immediately. There was no counseling involved in that process, no talking over the options, no asking whether working an extra shift would help, or could I get a loan from someone. There were 2 choices, both of which would affect my credit negatively...and I still had time to fix it positively. But they didn't care, it was this way or that way and if you don't do it, you're "not serious about getting help". I don't jump into anything without research, without being sure. I kept saying that...and they wouldn't let it go. I told him that I'm not trying to be rude, but I'm not interested and I'm going to hang up now. He called back and left a nasty message on my answering machine. It made me feel harassed. I sent an email to his superior...don't know what came about it, but they stopped emailing and calling. But you can see why I hesitate to go that route.

But now things are worse. I have no credit. The good saver who always paid her bills on time has become someone who can barely make rent, who has no money for food, who is too sick (mentally and physically) to handle a job...or just getting out of bed at times. I moved here to save myself...so that I wouldn't kill myself. I moved here because of the racial diversity, the beauty of this area. Because I felt safe and comfortable. But I can't afford it...and so I'm in debt. But if I go back to what was...I won't survive. The anxiety beats me down, I feel strangled as soon as I step foot in that city. I hate to look at it. I only visit because my family lives there. And to be honest, the only reason I don't hurt myself is because I wouldn't want them to find me that way. My aunt's death devastated us all...and that was from a blood clot. If I take my life or do something self-destructive...it'll kill them. I won't do that. I'm the one who's supposed to sacrifice for them, supposed to hold all of the pain, to take away their suffering. I would give up my life for my friends and family...if it would save them. I would go away forever...if it would make their lives better. I leave "him" alone, so as not to burden him with my craziness. So he can be happy. I just wish I could make people happy instead of ruining their lives. I try to be good, I give, I care, I help. I love so deeply there's barely room for it all. I love those who turn away from me, who hate me for what I am. Because...because I can't help it. It's me.

I'm in a bad place. I have ups and downs. Good days. But I'm so far behind. Falling so far. I want to go away. I will be going away...taking a break from "this life" and seeing what's out there on the other side of the country. I feel guilty and scared and excited. It's wrong to ignore the problems and go somewhere that will make me feel better. But I need to. I need my friends...and they need me. I need my Blue. Whether they can see me or not. I wish...I wish he cared and would be happy this time. But the music sustains me. Saves me. I mean that literally. When I'm on the edge, when the dark thoughts are drowning me...they pull me back. They keep me here. I thank them for that. Never can I give what they give to me. I try to show my love in my group. Everyone knows how I feel. I wish people understood that it's a good thing to feel this way, to be this devoted. Some do. Maybe it's jealousy that I came out of nowhere and got this far, made this much for them. I do it out of love...not charity, not craziness. I'm not a crazy psycho fan. I'm just a girl who loves music. And appreciates good people. I would never hurt them. I protect them. No one knows the whole story. No one knows what's inside.

I feel better now. Because my friends on Twitter responded to my cry. They help. Everyone helps. No matter what happens, no matter what I say or do, please know that I'm grateful for every single one of you. All those on Facebook who changed my life -- who gave me life. This new place, where I can be me. All the gifts, the kind words, the messages, the talks. The smiles. I love you all. I'll try not to disappoint you. But I can't promise. I'll keep trying, long as I'm able. I'll keep going.

I'm looking forward to a good thing. Please God, don't take it from me. Please answer my prayers. I have to pray for me this time. Save them all...as always. But save me too.

Away

I want to go away.
Where the losses won't touch me.
Where the air lets me breathe.
Where the wounds heal.
Where I only feel...peace.

Is there a place?
Where I can be free?
Where I can be me?
And be loved...and hugged.
And held when I cry.
Where no one will hurt.
Where we all fit.

I want to be there.
Now.

As We Go Along

I haven't written in a while...not because I haven't had a need to, but because I couldn't find the words. My life has been full of ups and downs. I'm moody and overemotional by nature. I worry too much and I'm a light sleeper. That's just me. But the extremes -- the major depressive episodes or anxiety or panic attacks or mental/physical breakdowns are not the real me. Although they are a part of me. Since starting the new meds a month ago, I have been more balanced. Not depressed and less anxious. I feel like I have control -- that's the important thing to me. But I've had my sad moments and let the worries take over. I can't stop it from happening, but I can fight against it. With meds, with thoughts, with time. I keep trying.

I read something today that upset me. It talked about changing negative thinking to positive thinking, which is a good thing and something I'm working on. But it also said that one reason to change yourself is because negative people are a "drag" to be around and no one wants you in their lives. They will avoid you and cut you out. I've experienced this in the past...and probably will again. It hurts SO much. To know that people think that of you. That the reason they don't like you is because of how you're made inside, not what you've done. You're not a bad person, you're just not quite good enough. That the only solution is to change who you are. Yeah, I can understand why no one wants to read the same complaints over and over or gets tired of hearing that every day is a bad day for someone. But if you care about that person, none of that should matter. You support them through the good AND the bad...no matter how bad. Especially if you know that they're not just complaining or being dramatic for attention. If you know that they have an illness or are going through a low period in their lives. You know the circumstances and you can relate. So, if you know all of this...why turn your back? Why criticize? Why hurt and make them feel ashamed? Why choose to keep certain friends and not others? Why? But they do. Because they don't want to see it or don't want to accept it or they feel that you're not worth the extra effort. You won't do it their way, so there's no way. I know this. And I still hold on to those people who have already let me go. I'm working on that too. Because, as they don't need a person like me in their lives, I don't need a person like them in mine. I'm not obligated to be the good girl all the time, the agreeable one, the forgiver. I'm walking away now...and those who love me are already by my side, walking with me. I'm not alone. And I'm grateful for that.

And let it be said -- no one brings me down. I pick people up when I can, encourage them. But either way, I always listen, I always support -- no matter how bad. Because everyone needs a friend. Everyone deserves love and respect. And we all deserve to speak for ourselves -- whether positive or negative. If you keep all of the negativity inside, it eats at you, destroys you. I let it happen to me. And I'm not anymore. So it comes out. No one has to read it. I'm not forcing anyone. I don't put my problems in anyone's face...they stay on my page, on my blog. It's their choice whether to let it in or not. I'm no longer taking responsibility for anyone else's reactions or emotions. No longer protecting everyone from my "ugly side". I have to live my own life, my way. And be free.

So where am I today? Still trying to figure out where to go from here. How to get to the place where I want to be. The ME I want to be. It's a long journey, with a lot of pitfalls ahead. I will fall. I will fail. But, I know how to pick myself up and try again. Each time I succeed I go to the next level. Each time I push myself past my limit, there's always a little more beyond it. I keep going. And I intend to be happy. Maybe only for a day or a week or a month. But I will be happy. It's not the end result for me anymore...it's the journey now.

Discovering Me

I saw this illustration the other day and realized that I am this bear. A lot of my friends are bipolar, and although I can relate to most of what they're going through, I don't KNOW personally. I only have the depressive side, not the manic side. I'm either on the horizon line or below it. I have happy days, of course. Happy moments. But I don't have that joyous high that some describe. That feeling of invincibility, the racing thoughts, the rapid speech and mannerisms. I have anxiety, which makes me feel like my thoughts are racing, my heart is beating fast, and I want to run around in circles. Or beat my head against the wall. But there's nothing pleasurable about it. It's not depression, but it's scary and emotionally painful. I'm more impulsive when I'm in that state and I'm afraid of what I'll do. I hate the loss of control that anxiety brings me. And that question: What's wrong with me? Why is this happening? Little things trigger it, such as stress or worry or frustration, but sometimes it seems to come out of nowhere. I can't always predict when it will happen. And for the past couple months, I couldn't control it without my medication. My "PRN", as needed pill, Xanax. I hate to rely on anything and I hate to be unable to control my life in any way. I'm fiercely independent. I can't stop the thoughts from coming, the panic, the irritation, but in the past I could calm myself with some deep breaths and by rearranging my thinking. Seeing the positive things, having hope that the next hour, the next day will be better. Just putting the situation into perspective and realizing it's not the end of the world. I could do it before, but then after April, I could no longer. More death. Always seems to steal me away from sanity.

I'm on different antidepressants now and my baseline is much higher, so I feel more stable and upbeat and I'm able to pull myself up when I have those moments of weakness. I will fall again, I will be depressed again. It's inevitable. That's why I'm the "uni-polar bear" and not the "bi-polar bear" -- because no matter how happy I am, no matter how "up"...if something bad happens, down I go. Always. The difference is that when my moods are balanced, I don't stay down very long and I'm able to put the worries aside to concentrate on what needs to be done. I can function in society and no one would know what's inside. Except that I don't hide it now, I speak about it. I need to. It helps -- not just me, but others like me. We're all different, we all have our struggles and traumas. Different backgrounds and childhoods. Different relationships and events that shaped us into who we are. But the common factor is that we all feel, we all have pain, and for those of us with these illnesses...we have no control over how our brain functions. I know there are other techniques and treatments that can help manipulate those signals...I'm still learning about them. I've learned a lot through others and my own research. And just by getting to know myself better. Realizing why I react a certain way or behave a certain way in a situation. Looking back on the past to see where the dark thoughts started, where the anxious feelings came from. And looking inside myself to know why it keeps happening. Bad habits, self-esteem issues, uncontrollable emotions. It's all a part of me and some things can't be changed. Others can. And the rest can be improved upon. Because I really want to be better. Maybe I can never be "normal" or mentally healthy, but I know I can be better than this. I'm still searching for ME.