Don't break me

"I want to shape the world to fit the way you move."

The problem is, everyone wants me to change to fit their world, their lifestyle. And I don't fit. I can't say I want anyone to change to be like me and feel what I feel...but if they could just put themselves in my place, see through my eyes, maybe they could understand. Instead of telling me what to do based on what they would do, actually listen to what's going on in my life and help me figure out what I should do for myself. Or just be there. I don't need solutions or advice or to be fixed. I need to know that people aren't going to leave me because I'm not worth the effort. And I know that some already have.

I can't worry about those who have gone. Not anymore. I can't worry about trying to please everyone or how they react to what I say/think/do. I have to stop feeling guilty when I don't take their "advice" or get defensive when they criticize or get hurt when they put me down. Everyone says it says more about them than it does about me when people say cruel things. Maybe so. I know a lot of people deny or hide how they feel, or fake it to appear happy. But I'm the one who has to hear it, read the words, look at the empty spaces. I can't be what you want, so instead of talking to me and working things out, you just leave? Or talk about me behind my back?

I'm tired. I don't feel well and I don't want to talk to anyone. This is the longest I've felt like that...where I've been angry and frustrated and so irritated by the smallest things. Xanax barely covers the pain, barely blocks the thoughts. I relax and then get anxious again. It's not depression though, although I am very low. But it's this dissatisfaction with my life. Disappointment in myself and others. I'm very sad about last weekend...I know I could have gone if things were different. If I could have just sat in the car while someone else drove -- I would have made it through the concert, made it through the night. But to do it all myself was just too much. Just too much. And it makes me look so weak and helpless because no one really understands how difficult driving is for me -- not physically, but emotionally. Just because I have my own car and drive everywhere on my own, just because I'm a careful driver and don't let the panic get to me, doesn't mean it's not still there. It's all still there.

And the weight thing...

I just want people to understand that this is real. That what I'm going through is real. I'm not trying to be "emo" or get attention or whining. Maybe it sounds like complaining, but when I vent, it's to get the negative out. No one has to read it. No one has to pretend to be my friend. If you don't like what I say or how I am, stay away. There's no need to be cruel, no need to call me crazy or treat me like my "flaws" will rub off on you if you get too close. I'm not a form of entertainment, I'm not here for you to watch me rise and fall. I'm not here for all you can take and then when my usefulness is done, you throw me away. I'm a person, with feelings. You want me to be happy? Be a friend, be there. Not at your convenience, not because you feel it's a chore that must be done, but because you care, because I matter.

I'll never live up to everyone's expectations, I'll never be "normal". I'll probably never live up to my own expectations because they're so high and I constantly try to improve and want so much out of life. But I do have things I'm proud of, things I've accomplished. Maybe that intimidates people, makes them feel inferior. I am strong despite my weaknesses. I try hard.

But I don't hate anyone. I don't make fun or put people down or say cruel things to watch them suffer. I don't like to make people upset or uncomfortable. I apologize if I do. I try to make things right. I confront people and if I'm mad at you, you'll know it. I argue...maybe that's not usual conversation for others, but that's how I grew up. I don't smile to someone's face and pretend to be their best friend while hating them behind their back. I'm not that good of an actress and it would just make me sick to do it. I can be civil, I can be polite, but you won't get my heart if I don't like you. If you treat me badly or hurt someone I love, you'll never be trusted. I don't trust words anymore, I don't believe all the affection. Because it can change in an instant. I don't understand people like that. But it's everywhere...and we're all getting hurt by it.

There's nothing I can say to change things, to make someone accept or understand if they don't want to. Or simply can't. I keep assuming that just because someone is a Blue October fan, that they'll understand what I'm going through or already know about the symptoms and struggles of mental illness. But they don't...some just don't feel it, don't connect it to their own lives. Even those who have health issues themselves or have been through similar situations can't understand why I can't get better, why I don't just do what they did and get over it. Get past it. Why I can't just change my ways or think positively or be happy. It doesn't work like that. I've tried. I've changed. And I'm still me after all these years. I didn't choose this. Maybe it's easier to stay where it's low because it's more familiar. But I constantly break free and try to rise above. People see that. They just forget when I fall again. When we all fall. There are so many of us struggling and hurting and all we want is to be acknowledged, to be believed and accepted as people. We can't be like you, we didn't choose this. We don't want to be this way. But we are. Like the color of our skin or the shape of our eyes, this is who we are. You can mask it, you can hide it, you can pretend that it's not there...but it doesn't go away. Talking about it, writing about it, singing about it, whatever, that doesn't make it go away either. It lessens the pain, it helps with the healing, but it doesn't change our DNA.

Not to say that there aren't people who do recover from depression, who do get better permanently. It may take years or a special treatment. So give us time. Let us find our way.

Sometimes all we want is someone to walk beside us in silence...