Sorry

"I'm really sick of saying sorry but I will." ~ Overweight (my favorite song by Blue October)

I'm feeling guilty and sad and paranoid. Feeling like I'm doing everything wrong, not saying things the best way. Hurting people. Hurting them with the truth? I guess so...since what I said in my last post was the truth. It's hard for me to be so open, so honest about everything that's inside of me. It's hard for me to let others see it. I'm a very private, reserved person. If you meet me in person, you see that. But online I think I come across as open and aggressive and opinionated. I can be. I can also be defensive and bitter and vindictive. When someone hurts me, I want to hurt them back. Not because I like to hurt people, but because I want them to feel my pain. I want them to understand that it wasn't something minor or trivial, not something I can forget about. I was never taken seriously before. Never accepted for who I truly was. I was always expected to change. Even now...people say I have to get better, I have to get off the meds, I have to do this to be this way or not do this to be that way. It's why I hate criticism and advice. I can't ever live up to it. But some suggestions are helpful and I really appreciate the effort. It's all in the approach though. If you come to me and start the sentence with "You need to do..." or "Stop doing/acting like..." -- it's going to put my back up and turn me off automatically. Then I get defensive. And if more than one person says it (or someone else agrees with the first person) I feel attacked. Paranoia, I guess. But you have to understand, not everyone reacts to words or actions or events the same way. For some people you have to be gentle and listen to their needs. For others you have to state your case and say what needs to be done. I learned that as a supervisor at my last job. But either way, there's no reason to be disrespectful or cruel. No reason to belittle someone or put them down for their personality or choices or beliefs. No reason to make someone feel inferior if if they do something differently than you...it doesn't make their way wrong. Especially when you know they're already vulnerable. Kicking someone when they're down is the most damaging thing you can do. It destroys their trust, their self-esteem, their confidence. And it reinforces that those depressed or self-destructive thoughts are accurate. If the people who say they love you are telling you all the things you're doing wrong, listing your faults...then it must be true. If everyone tells you that being shy/quiet is not normal and you need to grow out of it...or that you have a big nose and should get plastic surgery...or that you're not worth the effort to get to know...or that you're odd because you're in your late 20's and haven't had a baby yet (or in your 30's and not married yet)...or that if you change your thoughts and start "acting right" then the depression will go away -- well, it must be true. If so many different people have said it, over so many years...it must mean something. Even if you know you're better than that, even if you can see that they're trying to hurt you or help you or just don't know how to understand you...eventually you start to wonder. You have doubts. Especially if you're a worrier and have low self-esteem to begin with.

I'm going on and on and getting off the subject. My mind is wandering. Xanax kicking in. I was feeling so sick with guilt and worry, shaking with it, in pain. Depression really does hurt physically. I wish people could accept this. Just because you can't see it with your eyes or it's not a physical disease, doesn't mean that it's not just as serious. It's a terminal illness for some. At the very least, it's a life-long ailment. I know that no matter how much "better" I get, I'll still have moments of self-doubt. Those hateful thoughs, worries, anxiety. But I'm learning to control it, learning what triggers it. Understanding myself, visiting the past to see where it originated has helped. My friends with similar issues have helped. My family has helped. Many people have helped in many ways. So many unexpected gifts. I have a lot of support. And I do appreciate it.

Which is why I wrote this. I am truly sorry if I offended or hurt anyone with my last blog post. I was angry and hurt and needed to get it out. I won't censor myself...although I don't tell every detail. I'm subtle sometimes...but if you read between the lines, you can figure out what I didn't say. I worry that my family will read it and worry. I worry that my friends will think I'm mad at them or think I think they don't care about me. I know they care, I know some love me. But if I can't hear it or see it...I don't know that's it's there, that they're there. And I love them. It's hard for me to say it. That shy, self-conscious part of me again. But I do show it...I do let them know I'm there somehow. At least I try to. I'm just not good with words...but in writing I am. I guess. I don't know, I'm confused. I still think my words come out wrong sometimes. But at least when I write I have the confidence to say what I'm thinking, what I feel. Because no one's looking at me while I do it. I can post it and walk away. But then I regret what I said...because it's coming from inside me and makes me feel vulnerable. But I need to get it out. And I need other people to read it. I need people to know now. I hid for so long. I need to not hide anymore.

But at the same time I want to protect everyone. I want to help and give them what they need. It's hard and takes a lot out of me, but it's who I am and what I need to do. I like when people come to me and think I can help or know something they don't know. I like being popular...being wanted. It's different for me -- having this much social interaction with so many people. Which is why it's overwhelming at times. I try. I try so hard to do so much and please everyone. I can't. And I know that I shouldn't. Some people will hate me for being so nice, so "good", so ambitious and knowledgeable. I don't understand why anyone would be jealous of the things I know or do...because they can do it too. But I understand that other people don't have that drive. Some people don't have the same values I do or believe that the things that are important (and necessary) to me are even worth thinking about or doing. I'm learning about human nature. It's very disappointing at times. Because I know that things could be so much better. I can be better -- that's why I keep improving, keep trying. If one way doesn't work, try another way. I don't give up. I'm very loyal and I hold on tightly to things that matter. I run towards rather than away. I face my fears because I don't want them to control me. I don't want anything or anyone to control me. Because I had no control before. There are reasons for everything I do, everything I think. Even if I don't know what they all are yet. Please have patience with me. Please give me another chance...

I'm sorry for all those that I hurt -- past, present, future. I'm not perfect...not even close. I have my bad side, bad habits, bad thoughts. But I have a good heart -- I feel that in myself the way I feel it in others. I go by my feelings, my intuition to guide me. I'm trying, I'm doing, I'm achieving. I make mistakes, I do things wrong. I punish myself for it...so there's no need for anyone else to do so, ok? But I want to help you. I want to help you. I want to make things better. I don't know how. I just...want things to be better.