I've decided to write a post while I'm "up". I can't say I'm happy with my life...I don't know if I'll ever say that because things are always changing. Life is full of ups and downs, bad times and good times, tragedies and triumphs. I've experienced things that I would consider miracles and things that have ripped pieces out of me that can never be repaired. But that's life, right? Only, the dream is to reach happiness...that place where you're content and have everything you want and need and never have to worry again. Happiness is the end goal. Maybe for some it can be. But for me (and most of the world, I think), happiness comes in moments. They could last a year or an hour. But things always change. Even if you are a positive, upbeat person who sees the good in everything -- you still have bad days. You have loss and grief and disappointment. Health issues and heartache. It happens...it can't be avoided. But it's how you perceive these events that determines your reaction to them.
I can say honestly that I do not react well to bad events. I'm a born worrier and tend to automatically think the worst. But I am able to change my thinking and look at things rationally...most of the time. But I have issues that won't let me see things rationally all the time. I'll have to struggle with that the rest of my life. Even if I get to a point where I can function without medication, without therapy, without any sort of "help", I'll still have these internal battles to face. Because I can't change who I am...I can't change the way I was born, my personality, my soul. I can improve though, and make different choices.
So, right now I'm having good days. After the horror of weeks past, I feel relatively stable and upbeat. Hopeful. Looking towards the future...working towards the future. It's hard. Every night the doubts creep in, the regrets. And when I lie in bed, I get the physical pain of depression, from being underweight, and side effects from the meds. My whole body aches and my muscles protest to being still. Trying to relax from stress. But I don't want to talk about the bad things.
I want to be happy. Most days I want to be happy. When I'm low, I don't. But I can pull myself out of it. I'm stronger than I realized, stronger than I seem. I'm so many things...no wonder people have trouble understanding me. I constantly surprise them with my actions, my words, my interests. Because I have so many different sides of me. I can't be one thing. But I am human. In that way we are the same. And I do have support.
I came through the fire and I came out changed. I look the same, I sound the same, I have the same mental and physical health issues. But I'm not the same. Something changed in me. I can't say that it will be a good thing. That I will be a nicer person. I think it will be the opposite of that. Because in that fire, in that place where there was no hope, there was no love either -- for anyone. I did not care about the world, about the people in my life. I was going to leave to save them from me...from the monster. But I didn't care what they thought anymore. I was so tired of protecting everyone and apologizing for just being myself, for speaking out...or staying quiet. Trying to change to fit their needs, their image. Feeling like everything I did was wrong because it wasn't their way. And seeing life going on around me, without me. I was tired. I was fed up. I was upset. Too much, too many triggers. I wanted it to be over.
But it's not. I'm not over. I've just begun. We'll see what it means. No promises. But it's all mine. And I will have...what I'm going to have. What I'm meant and what I can get on my own. More taking and less giving? Or only giving to those deserving. Changes, changes. My future hasn't been written yet. This is a new chapter.
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