Thoughts, on the eve of my 40th birthday

This is one of the few times in my life where I'm not dreading my birthday. Maybe because I don't care about all of the other stuff I used to care about. Or because I have special plans tomorrow and a hot outfit and hairstyle (that will hopefully work out). Being the center of attention, which birthdays inevitably bring, always make me uncomfortable, but maybe it won't be so bad this time.

I know that people don't understand why the "looking young" thing always bothered me, but maybe I've never explained it. It's not about how I feel about it, it's how other people have reacted that's the problem. It would be fine if it was something that started recently, because I don't actually want to look "old". Having a young body and face is a good thing. But these comments have been happening since I was 13 years old. I was finally a teenager (and that's a big deal to a girl) and some waitress in a restaurant said she thought I was only 10. It wasn't a compliment. I never even thought about how I looked before then. But that really bothered me. And when I was Sweet 16 (another milestone) someone said I looked like a little kid. I didn't even get to be a teenager? And the worst thing was on my 18th birthday when I went out to a club to celebrate with my cousin and one girl said she thought I was only 12 the whole time. No guys wanted to dance with me. I felt like there was something wrong with me. All of these things were also happening during the years when I was being made fun of for my nose and being told I was boring for being quiet. Everything about me was odd to other people, so I thought I was just made wrong. And yeah, depression started to creep in, although I didn't know it yet. I didn't have low self-esteem, I had no self-esteem.

As an adult it was only annoying when people thought I was lying about my age or looked at me like I had two heads (like there's something wrong with me for looking the way I look) or acted like I was deceiving them because their perception of me was proven wrong. And I understand that online, people only see photos and you can't always tell someone's age, but my graduation years for high school and college are right there on my profile page and I post about growing up in the 80s, so I'm sorry, but there really shouldn't be any reason for someone not to know by now.

And at this point, I'm not going to worry about what other people think. They can believe what they want to believe. I don't need to prove anything. Their perception of me doesn't determine reality. My age is just the number of years I've been alive. Which is a lot, considering. And lots of people look younger than what they are...it's very common and not a strange thing. We are who we are.

The only hard part about tomorrow will be thinking of my dog, Lazy. She died on my birthday in 2011. Something about her popped up in my FB memories yesterday, regarding her last days, and it hit me so hard and brought back the pain and grief. I can't let myself think of that time. She was like my child...I couldn't fathom life without her. But we all kept living. And the world kept turning. But I know we all still think of her. She was the sweetest dog.