I don't feel like being honest or baring my soul. I give too much away. Many give back, but...why isn't it enough for more than a moment? Or a few hours, or a day? It's like I need to constantly be refilled with compassion and attention and approval. Although, I figured out, it's not really approval that I need (because I'm going to do what I want no matter what anyone else says). It's acknowledgment. A need to be seen and heard and accepted. To try to relate to me and understand. Believe that what I feel is real and serious for me. That no matter how stupid or crazy it sounds, they won't laugh at me.
I have high expectations about things. I try hard. I think people are worth the effort. I think feeling content with your life and making time for the people you care for is more important than money or a career or anything else. I believe that having a child is the greatest gift ever known...and nothing supersedes that. But that's how I feel. What is true for me. I'm very possessive and protective and hold on tightly to things that are important to me. Emotions rule me and that's what connects me to every object in my life. Things will always matter, I will always love. Losing it is a death. I exert so much control in order to PREVENT something bad from happening. Because I know how I'll feel if it does. I don't exaggerate...there are reasons. Being forgotten or replaced or betrayed is a devastation I cannot describe. I want too much. I feel inferior. Not jealousy, but insecurity. Fear. Confusion - why them and not me? Sometimes there's no reason. But I need a reason. I don't understand people. I suppose most don't understand me.
But I try. I always try harder than the last. Don't give up. Am I strong? I guess. But for how much longer? Does anyone even understand how much this hurts? Day by day. If you can say that every day's a blessing, then you've never been cursed. If you can say that life is a gift and be grateful that you woke up this morning, then you don't really know what it feels like to be dead inside...to feel it leaking out, trying to smother you. Is that a gift? Take it back. There's peace in sleep. Sometimes. You don't know. But WE do. This is how we exist, cope. Live. And you think us weak...
I don't have the energy to take care of everyone else anymore. I'm having the bad day...why are YOU crying? Why do I have to console you and tell you I'm ok to make YOU feel better? Tired of the guilt, pushing myself too hard, getting sick. I'm not responsible for anyone else's emotions or reactions. I'm sorry if you worry about me. I'm sorry I can't be what you expect or want. But I worry too, about everyone. I'm just told to stop. I can't. I want to feel better. It doesn't feel better. No more pretending. I can't protect you from me. I downplay situations a lot. Only say what needs to be said. Vulnerable - and I say too much. No one has seen me at my lowest...I'm not online then, phone off. I can't write, don't want to speak. Barely breathe. What you see is me on the way up. Scary? *shrug* That's just life, right? Not everyone can handle it. Please walk away or take a break...don't criticze and make it worse. Or pat me on the head and say it will be ok (it's NOT and you can't make that promise). Please just listen. Be there - prove it. Don't test me or push my buttons. I will push back. And then you'll hate me. But I'm tired of being the nice one. The giver, forgiver. Always there no matter what anyone says or does to me...good or bad. That's what people believe, and I let them. I let myself be relied on and used. Because I cared about them. I expected the same loyalty back. But it doesn't exist. And somehow I'm the bad guy if I don't take them back. If I shut them out, there's a reason. And they know it. They just don't think what they did was wrong enough. It was. I can't trust. You showed your true self...and I believe it now. Actions speak. But I don't hate anyone.
I can forgive, I can let things go. If you apologize, show remorse, accept my willingness to work things out. If I can look at the situation differently or get past it for ME. For my own healthiness. Then it can end well. I did that. I forgave and let go - all in the course of a night. So I could feel better and enjoy the show (& of course the apology helped later). But it wasn't about that. I felt the way I felt and I had to acknowledge it, accept it, decide not to let it use me, and get past it. Nothing goes away, nothing forgets. But everything doesn't have to hurt forever.
I can't change myself. I can change parts of me. Improve, adapt. But I'll always be me inside. Parts that no one will ever get to see. We all have secrets don't we? I keep them. That won't change. Some things are too important, some lines should never be crossed. It's all about right and wrong in the end. I'm not always good...but I'm not often bad. Don't look at just one side of me...or you'll be disappointed. I'd give you the moon, but "I'm worth more than the stars." I have to know that I matter.
So, milestones. The biggest one was achieving a weight goal...getting to a number I hadn't reached in almost 5 years. Since my aunt died. But I'm still up and down. Well, maybe I'll get my curves back again. Not that I had them long to begin with. But it was nice. When you've always been skinny, with clothes that didn't fit, maybe you can't see that as beautiful. The way other people do. I'll admit, someone who's healthy and in shape is physically attractive. But underweight is not healthy. I want a womanly figure. So...
The concerts, many musicians. Proud. Blue Blue Blue. Yeah. Friends. Being appreciated. Thank you. Seeing one of my favorite actors in person...watching him do something that makes him truly happy. So many good memories. The writing paid. I worked harder than most people know...without a job.
Some bad ones too. Deaths, sickness, financial failure. My own issues. But...graceful dancing still.
Let's have the rest of the year be better than those past, huh?
Happy Holidays??
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Angels
"A vampire or a victim, it depends on who's around."
I want to be better. I can be better than this. Not health-wise....that I don't know. But emotionally. Or behaviorally. As a better person. I want to say "nicer", but I am nice. Just not every day, in every situation. Isn't that too much to ask? Even of myself. And I can't be nicer for others because that's just letting myself be used, controlled, having no judgement for myself. I have to have control - so I feel secure. So I know that my life is my own. And I don't have to live based on anyone else's standards. I don't have to suffer at the hands of anyone else or stay in an environment that's unhealthy for me. I need this. For me.
I took a CBT assessment today (Cognitive Styles Test - Android app). It was accurate and in some parts, surprising. I scored low on passivity and external control - which is good because it means that I stand up for myself, take control of situations, and don't let others take credit for my work or blame me for something that wasn't my fault (or they did wrong). On the other hand, I scored high on perfectionism, anxiety, and blaming myself (or others) for not meeting certain standards. I try to see the best in things and maybe I see too much of what could be...and what I perceive should be. I'm too dependent on others for approval and support and I avoid saying or doing something for fear that it will upset someone or be taken the wrong way. Nothing I've ever done in my life has been to spark controversy or debate. I see the world through my own senses and reasoning and speak from my heart. Right or wrong. All I ever wanted was understanding...or at the very least, acceptance. For who I am now, for who I was then, for who I will be. Not pity or conditions - "well, I do accept you...but if you did this or changed this.." "I do understand, I've been through it. But you need to do it this way..." That's not accepting ME, that's not understanding ME. Or you'd already know the right thing to say. I've already told you...
I get it. People want to help. Maybe they only know one way or think their way is the right way. I think my way is the right way too - for ME. I don't expect anyone else to live my life choices. It could possibly work for someone else; people say I help them or inspire them just from sharing my thoughts. They help me by showing me I'm not the only one. But I don't tell people what they should do. It's not my life. If you're an adult you should be responsible and able to make your own choices. Guidance is fine, asking someone's opinion, venting to a friend. All good - if that's what THEY choose. Don't force it on them or put them down for not doing it your way (or even choosing not to listen). Ask why, figure out why, take time to understand. Pay attention to the little things, it matters. But no one has to listen to me either. I just know what I feel. And I'm just talking to myself anyway.
I know my faults and I've never lied about who I am. I admit when I'm wrong, no matter how much it bruises my pride. I'm too sensitive, I explain too much, I'm moody and emotional. When I have a bad day or I'm in pain or someone does something I consider wrong or hurtful to me...I'm not nice. I'm irritated and distant and defensive. Some would say I have a right. And I do have a right to feel my own emotions. It's what I do with them that matters. Maybe I can be mean with my "eye for an eye" mentality, but to me that's just arguing - getting the words in my head out in the open. You'll never hear me call someone a name or list their "flaws" and secrets and ridicule them. Some things are just wrong. But not everyone thinks that kind of thing is wrong. They think I'm wrong for saying something at all. I was "asking for it for a long time, just begging for it." Do you know what that sounds like? How it feels to be told you're such a failure to someone you care for? To be called all the bad words in the book? While everyone watched. And I wasn't supposed to be upset. Because it was the truth (as they saw it)..."and if you can't count on your friends to tell the truth, who can you count on?" Maybe the one who pitied the "poor" band member for becoming my friend online last year? Or the one who told me to go ahead and keep worshiping my "false God" so I can continue to be exactly the way I am? Have a nice life. Or the girl who told me I should be slapped for being too sad about my dead aunt? Or the one who called me an imposter (on my group page - you do NOT touch what belongs to me) because I pulled myself out of a deep depression and had a "happy" day watching tour videos? Those are the people I should count on? All those who called me crazy for working so hard for a band they claim to love...or saying I'm not good enough, I don't count because this person does everything better or that person acts more "normal"? Just because once upon a time they told me they cared? Not the ones who stood up for me against the constant abuse, who called me to make sure I was ok on my worst days, who literally held my hand and encouraged me, told me I wasn't all the bad things in the nasty messages I get, the ones who are happy to see me...prove they love me and that I'm worth the fight. I shouldn't listen to them because they're just telling me what I want to hear. Nice things aren't true. No - they are telling me what I NEED to hear to believe in myself. Because if you understand at all the way depression and low self-esteem works, you know it's hard for us to tell it to ourselves. And whether something's true not, there are ways to say it. And because I won't ever be able to forget what happened 2 years ago, a year ago, 20 years ago...I'm going to remember the way the words looked laid out on the page or the way your face looked or the room we were in or what music was playing. I hate having all these images in my head (& the emotions to go along with the memories) but it's how my brain is. I'm a Cancer.
And no, I'm not "friends" with them anymore. I know who I can trust and I know who I can't. And who will never really see me...or like me. Sorry for all I've hurt, but you hurt me too. Stay off of my page if you don't like my life. And I've never listed names..why? Few people know the facts behind my thoughts. Protecting people who would prefer I disappeared off the face of the planet? No...I just keep things to myself. Some people just look at me and make up stories about who they think I am. Or that's how it seems sometimes...if they don't know me. I'm still learning. And I'm not a people person. The thing with me is, I will love you forever and find all the good things about you no matter your personality or flaws. If you overreact, I can understand. If you cry, I can relate. I'll support you and encourage you and remember all of your favorite things. If we disagree, fine. If we argue, maybe I'll be mad at you, give you the silent treatment...but you'll still be there in my life. BUT if you betray me or lie or deliberately hurt me (or someone else I love) that's it. I could try to get past it...I always try. But if you continue to put me down or make your friends my enemies. And not appologize or talk it out, work through it...how can I forgive? And even if I do, how can I trust that it won't happen again? That you really care and respect me when you've already made it clear that you resent me and believe I have failed? I don't really understand why someone would get mad because I won't be their friend when I know they don't like me. What's the point? My worth is sand to you...
I'm tired now. But it made me feel better to write. I was angry. But I'd rather be that than upset. Anger goes away. These other scars don't. Mostly it's 2 men on my mind. But like always, one bad memory brings up another...and another. I already explained why I can't just let go of things and move on in my other blog post. And if the sight/sound of someone's name or looking at their picture fills me with panic and sickness and pain, I can't keep them close to me. No matter how good of a person they are or how many mutual friends we have. I have to take care of myself just a little bit. Listen to my intuition. It's important. I can only give so much. My heart is broken and it has limits. I won't apologize for making the right choice for myself. I have to live with myself. You can walk away.
I miss you Aunt Star. I miss my Caoimhe. I miss Lazy baby. I want you back...
The pain is so much. I just wonder why. What's left? I'll try to be better, for you. Because you loved me. And I'll never stop loving you. I don't stop.
Angels
I want to be better. I can be better than this. Not health-wise....that I don't know. But emotionally. Or behaviorally. As a better person. I want to say "nicer", but I am nice. Just not every day, in every situation. Isn't that too much to ask? Even of myself. And I can't be nicer for others because that's just letting myself be used, controlled, having no judgement for myself. I have to have control - so I feel secure. So I know that my life is my own. And I don't have to live based on anyone else's standards. I don't have to suffer at the hands of anyone else or stay in an environment that's unhealthy for me. I need this. For me.
I took a CBT assessment today (Cognitive Styles Test - Android app). It was accurate and in some parts, surprising. I scored low on passivity and external control - which is good because it means that I stand up for myself, take control of situations, and don't let others take credit for my work or blame me for something that wasn't my fault (or they did wrong). On the other hand, I scored high on perfectionism, anxiety, and blaming myself (or others) for not meeting certain standards. I try to see the best in things and maybe I see too much of what could be...and what I perceive should be. I'm too dependent on others for approval and support and I avoid saying or doing something for fear that it will upset someone or be taken the wrong way. Nothing I've ever done in my life has been to spark controversy or debate. I see the world through my own senses and reasoning and speak from my heart. Right or wrong. All I ever wanted was understanding...or at the very least, acceptance. For who I am now, for who I was then, for who I will be. Not pity or conditions - "well, I do accept you...but if you did this or changed this.." "I do understand, I've been through it. But you need to do it this way..." That's not accepting ME, that's not understanding ME. Or you'd already know the right thing to say. I've already told you...
I get it. People want to help. Maybe they only know one way or think their way is the right way. I think my way is the right way too - for ME. I don't expect anyone else to live my life choices. It could possibly work for someone else; people say I help them or inspire them just from sharing my thoughts. They help me by showing me I'm not the only one. But I don't tell people what they should do. It's not my life. If you're an adult you should be responsible and able to make your own choices. Guidance is fine, asking someone's opinion, venting to a friend. All good - if that's what THEY choose. Don't force it on them or put them down for not doing it your way (or even choosing not to listen). Ask why, figure out why, take time to understand. Pay attention to the little things, it matters. But no one has to listen to me either. I just know what I feel. And I'm just talking to myself anyway.
I know my faults and I've never lied about who I am. I admit when I'm wrong, no matter how much it bruises my pride. I'm too sensitive, I explain too much, I'm moody and emotional. When I have a bad day or I'm in pain or someone does something I consider wrong or hurtful to me...I'm not nice. I'm irritated and distant and defensive. Some would say I have a right. And I do have a right to feel my own emotions. It's what I do with them that matters. Maybe I can be mean with my "eye for an eye" mentality, but to me that's just arguing - getting the words in my head out in the open. You'll never hear me call someone a name or list their "flaws" and secrets and ridicule them. Some things are just wrong. But not everyone thinks that kind of thing is wrong. They think I'm wrong for saying something at all. I was "asking for it for a long time, just begging for it." Do you know what that sounds like? How it feels to be told you're such a failure to someone you care for? To be called all the bad words in the book? While everyone watched. And I wasn't supposed to be upset. Because it was the truth (as they saw it)..."and if you can't count on your friends to tell the truth, who can you count on?" Maybe the one who pitied the "poor" band member for becoming my friend online last year? Or the one who told me to go ahead and keep worshiping my "false God" so I can continue to be exactly the way I am? Have a nice life. Or the girl who told me I should be slapped for being too sad about my dead aunt? Or the one who called me an imposter (on my group page - you do NOT touch what belongs to me) because I pulled myself out of a deep depression and had a "happy" day watching tour videos? Those are the people I should count on? All those who called me crazy for working so hard for a band they claim to love...or saying I'm not good enough, I don't count because this person does everything better or that person acts more "normal"? Just because once upon a time they told me they cared? Not the ones who stood up for me against the constant abuse, who called me to make sure I was ok on my worst days, who literally held my hand and encouraged me, told me I wasn't all the bad things in the nasty messages I get, the ones who are happy to see me...prove they love me and that I'm worth the fight. I shouldn't listen to them because they're just telling me what I want to hear. Nice things aren't true. No - they are telling me what I NEED to hear to believe in myself. Because if you understand at all the way depression and low self-esteem works, you know it's hard for us to tell it to ourselves. And whether something's true not, there are ways to say it. And because I won't ever be able to forget what happened 2 years ago, a year ago, 20 years ago...I'm going to remember the way the words looked laid out on the page or the way your face looked or the room we were in or what music was playing. I hate having all these images in my head (& the emotions to go along with the memories) but it's how my brain is. I'm a Cancer.
And no, I'm not "friends" with them anymore. I know who I can trust and I know who I can't. And who will never really see me...or like me. Sorry for all I've hurt, but you hurt me too. Stay off of my page if you don't like my life. And I've never listed names..why? Few people know the facts behind my thoughts. Protecting people who would prefer I disappeared off the face of the planet? No...I just keep things to myself. Some people just look at me and make up stories about who they think I am. Or that's how it seems sometimes...if they don't know me. I'm still learning. And I'm not a people person. The thing with me is, I will love you forever and find all the good things about you no matter your personality or flaws. If you overreact, I can understand. If you cry, I can relate. I'll support you and encourage you and remember all of your favorite things. If we disagree, fine. If we argue, maybe I'll be mad at you, give you the silent treatment...but you'll still be there in my life. BUT if you betray me or lie or deliberately hurt me (or someone else I love) that's it. I could try to get past it...I always try. But if you continue to put me down or make your friends my enemies. And not appologize or talk it out, work through it...how can I forgive? And even if I do, how can I trust that it won't happen again? That you really care and respect me when you've already made it clear that you resent me and believe I have failed? I don't really understand why someone would get mad because I won't be their friend when I know they don't like me. What's the point? My worth is sand to you...
I'm tired now. But it made me feel better to write. I was angry. But I'd rather be that than upset. Anger goes away. These other scars don't. Mostly it's 2 men on my mind. But like always, one bad memory brings up another...and another. I already explained why I can't just let go of things and move on in my other blog post. And if the sight/sound of someone's name or looking at their picture fills me with panic and sickness and pain, I can't keep them close to me. No matter how good of a person they are or how many mutual friends we have. I have to take care of myself just a little bit. Listen to my intuition. It's important. I can only give so much. My heart is broken and it has limits. I won't apologize for making the right choice for myself. I have to live with myself. You can walk away.
I miss you Aunt Star. I miss my Caoimhe. I miss Lazy baby. I want you back...
The pain is so much. I just wonder why. What's left? I'll try to be better, for you. Because you loved me. And I'll never stop loving you. I don't stop.
Angels
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Random musings. Trying to take control.
I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. I guess "supposed to" doesn't matter. What is, is. I miss my dog. I don't know how to not need her. I want her back...how many times have I said that the past 2 months? I lost count. I wasn't really counting. I need her. How do I live without her? The world still doesn't make since. I had a dream again. That she came back. She was "dead" for 7 days, wherever they kept her (looked like those slide out things in the morgue...or the crypt in "National Treasure"). A box. But not like the box she's in right now, her ashes. Metal, she was whole. Had scratched on it from the inside...that's how they found out she was still alive. It seemed normal. She was home. Had an operation on her stomach, and it was whole again - not "separated". Of course the dream didn't last. I woke up. August 18.
I'm down again. But honestly, it's kind of better than that middle place I was in. I hate that middle place - not up, not down. It's not the same as being "stable". Stable feels good, safe, healthy. This is when something bad happens and you should be down, but the meds won't let you fall...or cry. I know it's what they're supposed to do, but sometimes you need to cry to release. Antidepressants don't take away the pain or fear or troublesome thoughts. They just keep your moods from fluctuating crazy and send "feel good" signals to your brain (ie. seratonin). But nothing in this world is going to make me feel good about someone I love dying, or my friends in pain. My heart hurts for them. And if the hurt has nowhere to go...you feel trapped inside of yourself. And happiness? I'm too tired, too worried to be that up. Can't let myself be happy when I'm this terrified about the future. I have no income...I had to borrow over $800 for rent from people who are struggling themselves. Am I supposed to be happy about that?
I need a job. Technically my column on Examiner.com is contract employment since I had to submit info for taxes. But after 9 months and 24 articles (which take me 3-5 hrs, including research and verifying info, links) I have not received a cent. Need about $10 worth of more page views to make it to the $25 mark (min for payout). Do you know what you can do with $25 when you're broke? I was hoping one of my friends or contacts would give writing a try and use me as a referral. The $50 bonus would guarantee payment. But I'm on my own. A lot of people help, they do. And I'm grateful. Because this is important to me. It's just not enough.
I have to get something that won't trigger anxiety (no retail - I still have nightmares). I need a job right NOW because I need money. But I'm not physically healthy right NOW. So what do I do? I do what I always do. But maybe, maybe if I can find the one that brings me joy just to read the ad, I can do this. Be safe & happy & healthy. Content and ABLE. I've applied to some music/social media/writing jobs. It's what I want. Where I am right now. I think about selling online again, make some extra money, like so many of my friends are doing. Guilty...not lazy - I just can't put my heart into it right now. Can't sew with anxiety, don't want to design right now. Soon, just not right now. What do I do? I have to push harder. I just need more time. And time ran out months ago. No more UC. There are options, has taken weeks, but... I'm doing what I have to do. I follow through.
Speaking of...
#AMIA - I have typed that so much the past few months...I'll never forget those letters :) Blue has great letters. We all get it. The new album is...intense. Emotional, powerful. And musically dynamic. I think they've reached a whole new level with this. Everyone's saying this is the best musically. I can't disagree. There's something very special about it. We felt it even before the singles were released...when all we had were the radio samples. And it's true. It is special. And heartbreaking and angry and loving and hopeful. I can't say I enjoy the explicit (and sometimes mean) language, but that's just me. I don't listen to stuff like that in general, never did. BUT I have opened my mind (and embraced my darker side) the past couple years, so I can adapt and accept, even enjoy. I admire his honesty and courage, always. I'm a contradiction myself. And of course it helps that I expected the album to be as it was. If you read/listened to any interviews, reviews, tweets, FB posts, or just paid attention to the band in general this past year...well, there were no secrets as to what the theme would be. Listening to it is a different matter, and it did take me a little bit to get past the personal and hear it as a music album. The whole thing has an 80's feel to me (which I suspected when The Chills was first debuted on 101X). Not really my genre, but I love music so I can appreciate mostly anything. I love the new sound. It's different, it's pretty, it's hard-hitting, it's just so so cool.
I thought about doing a review for Vivogig but I think I have to keep my personal thoughts to myself. Too many mixed emotions, too much drama already from fans. I'm not getting involved. I know this scene all too well. And I'm truly sick of it. People lose sight of what's really important. Get involved in other people's business, people they've never met or barely know. Choosing sides when there are no sides, just people trying to live their lives & survive, work out their problems between themselves. I just pray that no one gets physically hurt. Emotionally, I can't stop it. I can have compassion even if I don't agree with something or someone. I know enough to know there's so much more to everyone. I accept the bad and embrace the good. And I will continue to support the BAND no matter what. There are more people involved here, families. I respect them, I care for them. I've been through it all and I'm still here, right? I don't give up even during the darkest times.
I can't help but think about the past. Despite our common "enemy" (and how I wish he wasn't. But that's done)...this album sparks certain traumatic events from a different point of view (coming from the woman). The last line in the voice recording at the beginning of The Flight...those are almost the exact words I heard last December (along with many many more). Needless to say, it cut me deep...again. Like a stab. Or a slap. Cold. You flinch when certain words are being thrown at you. Public humiliation. Private pain. And you thought physical abuse is the only way to get a beating? Cycles, cycles, cycles.
But, I'm trying to get past it. I hope he can. And I pray that little girl is no longer put in the middle. She's the most important thing. Two loving parents. I pray that's all she knows.
Those are just my feelings. Not put on anyone. I just have to write. It lessens the terror a little bit. I pray for me too. Because I'm not well. I need to stop pretending I am. My heart to yours. Take me as I am. And give back the same. I deserve the whole, not just the pieces. I'm living. It's all.
I'm down again. But honestly, it's kind of better than that middle place I was in. I hate that middle place - not up, not down. It's not the same as being "stable". Stable feels good, safe, healthy. This is when something bad happens and you should be down, but the meds won't let you fall...or cry. I know it's what they're supposed to do, but sometimes you need to cry to release. Antidepressants don't take away the pain or fear or troublesome thoughts. They just keep your moods from fluctuating crazy and send "feel good" signals to your brain (ie. seratonin). But nothing in this world is going to make me feel good about someone I love dying, or my friends in pain. My heart hurts for them. And if the hurt has nowhere to go...you feel trapped inside of yourself. And happiness? I'm too tired, too worried to be that up. Can't let myself be happy when I'm this terrified about the future. I have no income...I had to borrow over $800 for rent from people who are struggling themselves. Am I supposed to be happy about that?
I need a job. Technically my column on Examiner.com is contract employment since I had to submit info for taxes. But after 9 months and 24 articles (which take me 3-5 hrs, including research and verifying info, links) I have not received a cent. Need about $10 worth of more page views to make it to the $25 mark (min for payout). Do you know what you can do with $25 when you're broke? I was hoping one of my friends or contacts would give writing a try and use me as a referral. The $50 bonus would guarantee payment. But I'm on my own. A lot of people help, they do. And I'm grateful. Because this is important to me. It's just not enough.
I have to get something that won't trigger anxiety (no retail - I still have nightmares). I need a job right NOW because I need money. But I'm not physically healthy right NOW. So what do I do? I do what I always do. But maybe, maybe if I can find the one that brings me joy just to read the ad, I can do this. Be safe & happy & healthy. Content and ABLE. I've applied to some music/social media/writing jobs. It's what I want. Where I am right now. I think about selling online again, make some extra money, like so many of my friends are doing. Guilty...not lazy - I just can't put my heart into it right now. Can't sew with anxiety, don't want to design right now. Soon, just not right now. What do I do? I have to push harder. I just need more time. And time ran out months ago. No more UC. There are options, has taken weeks, but... I'm doing what I have to do. I follow through.
Speaking of...
#AMIA - I have typed that so much the past few months...I'll never forget those letters :) Blue has great letters. We all get it. The new album is...intense. Emotional, powerful. And musically dynamic. I think they've reached a whole new level with this. Everyone's saying this is the best musically. I can't disagree. There's something very special about it. We felt it even before the singles were released...when all we had were the radio samples. And it's true. It is special. And heartbreaking and angry and loving and hopeful. I can't say I enjoy the explicit (and sometimes mean) language, but that's just me. I don't listen to stuff like that in general, never did. BUT I have opened my mind (and embraced my darker side) the past couple years, so I can adapt and accept, even enjoy. I admire his honesty and courage, always. I'm a contradiction myself. And of course it helps that I expected the album to be as it was. If you read/listened to any interviews, reviews, tweets, FB posts, or just paid attention to the band in general this past year...well, there were no secrets as to what the theme would be. Listening to it is a different matter, and it did take me a little bit to get past the personal and hear it as a music album. The whole thing has an 80's feel to me (which I suspected when The Chills was first debuted on 101X). Not really my genre, but I love music so I can appreciate mostly anything. I love the new sound. It's different, it's pretty, it's hard-hitting, it's just so so cool.
I thought about doing a review for Vivogig but I think I have to keep my personal thoughts to myself. Too many mixed emotions, too much drama already from fans. I'm not getting involved. I know this scene all too well. And I'm truly sick of it. People lose sight of what's really important. Get involved in other people's business, people they've never met or barely know. Choosing sides when there are no sides, just people trying to live their lives & survive, work out their problems between themselves. I just pray that no one gets physically hurt. Emotionally, I can't stop it. I can have compassion even if I don't agree with something or someone. I know enough to know there's so much more to everyone. I accept the bad and embrace the good. And I will continue to support the BAND no matter what. There are more people involved here, families. I respect them, I care for them. I've been through it all and I'm still here, right? I don't give up even during the darkest times.
I can't help but think about the past. Despite our common "enemy" (and how I wish he wasn't. But that's done)...this album sparks certain traumatic events from a different point of view (coming from the woman). The last line in the voice recording at the beginning of The Flight...those are almost the exact words I heard last December (along with many many more). Needless to say, it cut me deep...again. Like a stab. Or a slap. Cold. You flinch when certain words are being thrown at you. Public humiliation. Private pain. And you thought physical abuse is the only way to get a beating? Cycles, cycles, cycles.
But, I'm trying to get past it. I hope he can. And I pray that little girl is no longer put in the middle. She's the most important thing. Two loving parents. I pray that's all she knows.
Those are just my feelings. Not put on anyone. I just have to write. It lessens the terror a little bit. I pray for me too. Because I'm not well. I need to stop pretending I am. My heart to yours. Take me as I am. And give back the same. I deserve the whole, not just the pieces. I'm living. It's all.
Monday, July 4, 2011
I had a dream...
The world lost the most beautiful soul. But I have to believe that she's still out there somewhere. I had a dream that she came back...because that's what I want. But it didn't make things better. Because she had to leave again. Waking up was not pleasant. Maybe it will get easier in time, and I'll cherish these moments. Dreaming about my aunt was painful at first, but now it's a comfort. Maybe seeing my dog alive again, feeling her presence, touching her soft fur, will become one of those moments. A familiar face to guide me. The love outshining everything else...
I wonder if birthdays will feel the same. I gave her my day...I let her have peace. I would have done anything for her, given my life. But all I had to offer was the day God gave me life. My prayers. He couldn't heal her earthly body, so he fixed her the only way He could. I know. But I still want her here. I'm already not a big fan of getting older, being put on the spot. Having all that attention on me is hard...although easier now that I'm not as shy. But people still mistake my age. And I'm forever fearful of getting "that look" that says I'm crazy, I can't really be that old. Looks can be deceiving. Too many people don't look beyond the surface, only assume what they expect you to be. Don't look at the details, don't trust their intuition, don't get to know you before judging you. Talking behind your back. Putting you into a category you didn't ask for. People should really be thankful that I'm a nice, quiet person...I could start wars with all the stuff I know. What I've seen...about me, about others. I don't forget. And just because you delete a post when someone calls you on it doesn't mean they didn't already make a copy, a record for themselves. Remember that. It's better to be my ally than my enemy. Look at all I give, look at who I know. You're burning bridges by treating me (or someone I care about) unfairly. Being honest does not mean you have to be cruel. And it's pretty foolish to expect to remain in our lives after something like that. Especially with no apology, no explanation, no effort to work things out. Cutting ties because you're mad, because someone didn't take your advice or has a different opinion than you. Why are you better? Is it really worth it? Is it that easy to walk away? I guess if it is, they weren't strong enough to have me. Beliefs don't change. I can't trust someone who I can't trust.
Enough rambling. I've just been thinking of things. Feeling angry. A year, 2 years...I need to let it go. But I can't. And now I know why. I'm an emotional person, and every event in my life is tied to an emotion. So when I think of it again, I'm feeling what I felt the first time, like it's happening again. And no, it's not a choice and I can't just stop. All the years of being told to let go of the past, stop dwelling on it, move on. I could never do it, as much as I tried. But I'm not weak, I'm not less than others. I'm just made differently. I was meant to hold on, to love, to remember the special moments. The emotions. I don't know why it's always a bad thing. And even though I hate reliving the bad memories or mistakes, the unreasonable worries and doubts and fear, it's part of me too. And we have to learn from the past, it's what shaped us. Whether we like it or not. And sometimes memories are all we have left of someone. I'm holding on to that.
I'm tired. And scared. And lost. My heart is heavy with grief, my mind is cluttered with worries. They're mine. I'll figure them out. Step by step by step.
Nothing more to say. Just ask if you want to know. And don't underestimate me. There's more in me than you'll ever know. And it's my turn to speak. Listen.
13-23-33
I wonder if birthdays will feel the same. I gave her my day...I let her have peace. I would have done anything for her, given my life. But all I had to offer was the day God gave me life. My prayers. He couldn't heal her earthly body, so he fixed her the only way He could. I know. But I still want her here. I'm already not a big fan of getting older, being put on the spot. Having all that attention on me is hard...although easier now that I'm not as shy. But people still mistake my age. And I'm forever fearful of getting "that look" that says I'm crazy, I can't really be that old. Looks can be deceiving. Too many people don't look beyond the surface, only assume what they expect you to be. Don't look at the details, don't trust their intuition, don't get to know you before judging you. Talking behind your back. Putting you into a category you didn't ask for. People should really be thankful that I'm a nice, quiet person...I could start wars with all the stuff I know. What I've seen...about me, about others. I don't forget. And just because you delete a post when someone calls you on it doesn't mean they didn't already make a copy, a record for themselves. Remember that. It's better to be my ally than my enemy. Look at all I give, look at who I know. You're burning bridges by treating me (or someone I care about) unfairly. Being honest does not mean you have to be cruel. And it's pretty foolish to expect to remain in our lives after something like that. Especially with no apology, no explanation, no effort to work things out. Cutting ties because you're mad, because someone didn't take your advice or has a different opinion than you. Why are you better? Is it really worth it? Is it that easy to walk away? I guess if it is, they weren't strong enough to have me. Beliefs don't change. I can't trust someone who I can't trust.
Enough rambling. I've just been thinking of things. Feeling angry. A year, 2 years...I need to let it go. But I can't. And now I know why. I'm an emotional person, and every event in my life is tied to an emotion. So when I think of it again, I'm feeling what I felt the first time, like it's happening again. And no, it's not a choice and I can't just stop. All the years of being told to let go of the past, stop dwelling on it, move on. I could never do it, as much as I tried. But I'm not weak, I'm not less than others. I'm just made differently. I was meant to hold on, to love, to remember the special moments. The emotions. I don't know why it's always a bad thing. And even though I hate reliving the bad memories or mistakes, the unreasonable worries and doubts and fear, it's part of me too. And we have to learn from the past, it's what shaped us. Whether we like it or not. And sometimes memories are all we have left of someone. I'm holding on to that.
I'm tired. And scared. And lost. My heart is heavy with grief, my mind is cluttered with worries. They're mine. I'll figure them out. Step by step by step.
Nothing more to say. Just ask if you want to know. And don't underestimate me. There's more in me than you'll ever know. And it's my turn to speak. Listen.
13-23-33
Friday, June 10, 2011
Fueling the Fire
I felt the need to write lately, but I didn't know what to write. I'm having days where I just want to retreat to my shell and hide from the world. Anxiety, fears, panic, dizziness, nausea. Just another day in the neighborhood. I'm so tired of it...this cycle.
Guess I'm inspired now. God, my heart hurts. And I won't say a word. Because I'm the protector. I don't want to hurt anyone, don't want to mess up their life, take away their happiness. Everyone deserves happiness, to have things the way they want them...to have the "right" kind of people around them. Beside them, loving them. I have no right to destroy that...even touch it. So I sit back and watch. And hurt. Because I did care, so much...and I wasn't good enough. Once again.
People want to say all the great things about me, how there's someone out there for me. Be patient, keep trying, move on. Let go of the past. Well, that's hard to do when the past follows you. Do you think I ever forget? Anything? Anyone? The feelings remain. And I'm thinking maybe that doesn't happen for everyone, maybe that's not normal. Maybe the reason I can't let go and move on is because the feelings never change in me. Because those memories and moments are a part of me forever. How do you move on from something that's a part of you? You can't. Don't tell me to try...I've tried. I'm so sick of advice. From married people and couples and single men. Acting like they understand when they've never been in this situation, never had to sit alone wondering why everyone else is chosen, but not you. Saying I'm beautiful and brushing it off when I say I have self-esteem issues from being told I wasn't pretty growing up. Telling me I'm amazing and any guy would be lucky to have me, but they don't want me for themselves? I truly don't understand. I truly don't. If I have deep feelings for someone, I want them in my life. I want to be with them, I wouldn't let them go. I wouldn't push them away. I would love them with my whole heart.
I'm tired of explaining, tired of complaining. It's just the same thing over and over. I just need to keep to myself. Just confide in who I trust and just live this stupid life I was given. I try to be better, I try to do good things. I've made a difference. But I'm always left behind. I'm so lonely. I am alone. There's no one that knows all of me...no one who has gotten close enough for long enough to be trusted with all of me.
Why don't guys want me? Why do they always walk away....find someone else? Or just walk away. I'm special too. I'm worth it too. But no one can see me.
I don't want the pretty words. They belong in my daydream world. I have to live in reality. And reality is that not everyone finds their perfect match...or a match period. Some settle, some just live alone. I can accept my place in life. While hating it just the same. It's not my nature, you see -- I'm a romantic, I'm meant for love. To love and be loved. Without it, there's no me. And I feel so empty. I have friends, family, kids, pets that make me happy. I've had wonderful moments and have been given the best gifts. Even if the depression doesn't let me see it sometimes, I know it's there. I appreciate it. But there are holes in my heart that those things can't fill. It's like they're labeled and shaped for a specific item...and I don't have anything to put in that space. I find things that fit, people who seem to care for me as much as I do them...but that changes, they change. Or maybe they just never knew me, I wasn't what they wanted. It's hard to keep trying, keep reaching out. I'm not searching for anyone. I am very independent. But people come into my life and I can't help but care. They touch my heart, they change my life. I'm never stronger than when I have someone beside me. They make me strive to be better...or their essence just brings positivity to my life. I don't know. But it makes a difference. And maybe that's not normal either. But I've never been normal...I'm still the strange shy girl, I guess. Just older. And I hit back now.
I feel too vulnerable. Too many things hurt now. I want to delete so many things. Because I don't want to come off the wrong way. Crazy. But I do. Because I lead with my emotions. It's what I am. Sometimes it's all I am. I can't be what I'm not. I can't be anything but who I am...
I want to feel again...I like feeling love. I like having that in my heart, I like giving. That's what fuels me. But I'm tired of the breaks. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of people looking at me and seeing something I'm not. Expecting things of me that I don't have to give, to be. I don't know what they see. It's not what I see. I don't see all bad, I know my good parts too. It's just not enough. And don't say "one day it will be". There's no guarantee of that. Millions of people are single and childless. And people die every day.
So, to let go again. And not be bitter and cold-hearted. Not become what the fire has created. But maybe a little. I have to protect myself too. And if anyone really truly loved me enough and wanted me enough, they wouldn't walk away. They would fight for me, choose me. They'd be the first...
Guess I'm inspired now. God, my heart hurts. And I won't say a word. Because I'm the protector. I don't want to hurt anyone, don't want to mess up their life, take away their happiness. Everyone deserves happiness, to have things the way they want them...to have the "right" kind of people around them. Beside them, loving them. I have no right to destroy that...even touch it. So I sit back and watch. And hurt. Because I did care, so much...and I wasn't good enough. Once again.
People want to say all the great things about me, how there's someone out there for me. Be patient, keep trying, move on. Let go of the past. Well, that's hard to do when the past follows you. Do you think I ever forget? Anything? Anyone? The feelings remain. And I'm thinking maybe that doesn't happen for everyone, maybe that's not normal. Maybe the reason I can't let go and move on is because the feelings never change in me. Because those memories and moments are a part of me forever. How do you move on from something that's a part of you? You can't. Don't tell me to try...I've tried. I'm so sick of advice. From married people and couples and single men. Acting like they understand when they've never been in this situation, never had to sit alone wondering why everyone else is chosen, but not you. Saying I'm beautiful and brushing it off when I say I have self-esteem issues from being told I wasn't pretty growing up. Telling me I'm amazing and any guy would be lucky to have me, but they don't want me for themselves? I truly don't understand. I truly don't. If I have deep feelings for someone, I want them in my life. I want to be with them, I wouldn't let them go. I wouldn't push them away. I would love them with my whole heart.
I'm tired of explaining, tired of complaining. It's just the same thing over and over. I just need to keep to myself. Just confide in who I trust and just live this stupid life I was given. I try to be better, I try to do good things. I've made a difference. But I'm always left behind. I'm so lonely. I am alone. There's no one that knows all of me...no one who has gotten close enough for long enough to be trusted with all of me.
Why don't guys want me? Why do they always walk away....find someone else? Or just walk away. I'm special too. I'm worth it too. But no one can see me.
I don't want the pretty words. They belong in my daydream world. I have to live in reality. And reality is that not everyone finds their perfect match...or a match period. Some settle, some just live alone. I can accept my place in life. While hating it just the same. It's not my nature, you see -- I'm a romantic, I'm meant for love. To love and be loved. Without it, there's no me. And I feel so empty. I have friends, family, kids, pets that make me happy. I've had wonderful moments and have been given the best gifts. Even if the depression doesn't let me see it sometimes, I know it's there. I appreciate it. But there are holes in my heart that those things can't fill. It's like they're labeled and shaped for a specific item...and I don't have anything to put in that space. I find things that fit, people who seem to care for me as much as I do them...but that changes, they change. Or maybe they just never knew me, I wasn't what they wanted. It's hard to keep trying, keep reaching out. I'm not searching for anyone. I am very independent. But people come into my life and I can't help but care. They touch my heart, they change my life. I'm never stronger than when I have someone beside me. They make me strive to be better...or their essence just brings positivity to my life. I don't know. But it makes a difference. And maybe that's not normal either. But I've never been normal...I'm still the strange shy girl, I guess. Just older. And I hit back now.
I feel too vulnerable. Too many things hurt now. I want to delete so many things. Because I don't want to come off the wrong way. Crazy. But I do. Because I lead with my emotions. It's what I am. Sometimes it's all I am. I can't be what I'm not. I can't be anything but who I am...
I want to feel again...I like feeling love. I like having that in my heart, I like giving. That's what fuels me. But I'm tired of the breaks. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of people looking at me and seeing something I'm not. Expecting things of me that I don't have to give, to be. I don't know what they see. It's not what I see. I don't see all bad, I know my good parts too. It's just not enough. And don't say "one day it will be". There's no guarantee of that. Millions of people are single and childless. And people die every day.
So, to let go again. And not be bitter and cold-hearted. Not become what the fire has created. But maybe a little. I have to protect myself too. And if anyone really truly loved me enough and wanted me enough, they wouldn't walk away. They would fight for me, choose me. They'd be the first...
Monday, May 23, 2011
I feel like a journalist
Is writing the way to go? Or music promotion? Guess I'm doing both...
Blue October brings their acoustic tour to Philadelphia
Vivogig Guest Post: Blue October in Philadelphia
It's been an Amazing week. So much more than I can even describe.
Blue October brings their acoustic tour to Philadelphia
Vivogig Guest Post: Blue October in Philadelphia
It's been an Amazing week. So much more than I can even describe.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
How do I get past this?
There are some scars you can't see. Some wounds that never heal. But they are real.
"Emotional abuse is a devastating, debilitating heart and soul mutilation. The deepest lasting wound with any abuse is the emotional wound."
I'm not a poet...and most of the time I feel like people don't get what I'm trying to say. But I seem to have a way with words. Must be all the stories in my head. I'm not so good at talking...lack of confidence, have to measure my words, reserved nature. But I do what I have to do. I can lead, I can supervise, I can manage. I can excel. I'm just not what people expect.
Is that the reason for all the conflicts? Why someone who calls me a good friend can change that to a failure of a friend within a year? Why they think it's necessary to point out my every flaw and belittle me, cut me down, make me small? I know I'm a sensitive person, but I didn't overreact. And I didn't deserve it.
I didn't know the first time...with the first one. It hurts more to lose someone you love. To have them look at you that way. To look at them every day knowing that you're not..quite..good enough. When you have to be a different person for everyone around you.
And the other...I can't talk about it, even almost 6 months past. I can't talk about it. And I can't forget how good of a friend he was to me. How much he changed my life, gave me something special that was always waiting for me. Music. And I gave it my all. Anyone who knows, anyone who was there, knows how much I gave.
I could understand anger, I could understand him being upset. But the things he said, the way he said them...and the fact that he found delight in ridiculing me in public. How do you ever get past that? And worse, how do you forgive the ones who sided with him...who thought my pain was unreasonable. I was the monster, I was lectured. And then...I'm supposed to keep you? How?
This is just my side. My story. Who's do you expect me to tell?
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It's So Difficult
It's so difficult to look at you, knowing how you feel about me
Why am I a mistake, why is the bad all you see?
You say that I'm crazy and then just lock the door
As you turn away you don't see the way the pain cripples me to the floor
I wish I could be the kind of person you want in your life
Never causing you burden, disappointment, or any ounce of strife
I can't change who I am to be better for you
I can't make you care for me the way I need you to
I don't want to lose you, I don't want this to be the end
I pray for you to understand and want to remain my friend
But I can only wish you happiness and a life of joy for now
You don't want to deal with me so I'll step aside somehow
Know this though, you'll be forever in my heart
Time won't erase the memories and of me you'll always be part
Facebook note - by Nicole McMillan - Friday, May 7, 2010
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No Words
You came to my house and I invited you in with a smile. You smiled back and we talked for awhile. But I must have said something wrong because suddenly your smile was gone. In your hand was a bat and you swung it fast and hard. Beating me, beating me, beating me until I fell to the floor. Then you beat me some more. "You got what you deserved," you say. "You need to learn." My hands were shaking, my heart was breaking, my soul began to burn. You left. I cried out to you, "You're right, I'm sorry, I won't say another word. I promise I'll stay away." But you came back and said "Don't worry, we'll talk, it will all be ok." I cleaned up the blood, but lay there in pain. I couldn't close the wounds. Not yet, not again. You kept knocking on my door. And I kept letting you in. Sometimes I didn't say a word, sometimes I did and you beat me again. I started to believe it...that I was nothing to him at all. I didn't know who to ask for help, they said, "Well you shouldn't have set him off." At times I thought the only solution was to disappear forever. But strangers and friends came by to clean my wounds and make it better. I couldn't let go, he had been so good to me, the love was all I could see. My best friend for so long...and I thought he would come back again. I gave and gave and gave my heart and asked for more time to repair it. But one more slap, that wasn't fast enough. And I could no longer bear it. I took what was left away and sat down quietly. I didn't tell my family until it was over because I didn't want them to see me bleed. Now I wait for the pain to pass and try to understand...why is it ok for someone to hit you with words, but not their hand?
Facebook note - by Nicole McMillan - Wednesday, December 22, 2010
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I need therapy...I know it. To manage the depression and anxiety if nothing else. Cognitive behavioral therapy. I have to train myself to think differently. I've already done some on my own...without knowing what it is. In the past. And I know that the things in the last 4 years have deeply scarred me. Events from childhood have shaped me. Probably have PTSD and a dozen other things. I have to be comfortable with what I do. But I will do it. I want to be better.
I already edited this. Too much personal info. Not that they'll be around to care. And I'll still regret speaking of this after it's posted. Because I'm not an outgoing person. And I can't write a simple short blog. It has to come out. Because it's hurting me by staying inside. And maybe I want my new friends to know why I am the way I am. Why I don't trust. Why I can't just believe the words. Words are easy. Actions are hard. There are many who have proven themselves by their actions. And I owe them more than I can give...I'll never ever forget what they did for me. How they stood by me, stood up for me. Faced so much toxic opposition for ME. For me. But I'd do it for them. Some things are just right to do. Sometimes you just have to do what's morally right. Especially for those you love. Thank you for being there.
I may delete this. But right now I'm too stressed and anxious to care. My emotions are blocked. Manic phase? I'm just a unipolar bear anyway. Tired.
I don't want to lose readers/followers/friends. I say too much, with too much emotion. But I have to be me. I don't want to hide who I am anymore. I know it would be easier, but it would hurt so much more. This is the right way for me. For now.
But I'm not crazy. I'm just complex.
"Emotional abuse is a devastating, debilitating heart and soul mutilation. The deepest lasting wound with any abuse is the emotional wound."
I'm not a poet...and most of the time I feel like people don't get what I'm trying to say. But I seem to have a way with words. Must be all the stories in my head. I'm not so good at talking...lack of confidence, have to measure my words, reserved nature. But I do what I have to do. I can lead, I can supervise, I can manage. I can excel. I'm just not what people expect.
Is that the reason for all the conflicts? Why someone who calls me a good friend can change that to a failure of a friend within a year? Why they think it's necessary to point out my every flaw and belittle me, cut me down, make me small? I know I'm a sensitive person, but I didn't overreact. And I didn't deserve it.
I didn't know the first time...with the first one. It hurts more to lose someone you love. To have them look at you that way. To look at them every day knowing that you're not..quite..good enough. When you have to be a different person for everyone around you.
And the other...I can't talk about it, even almost 6 months past. I can't talk about it. And I can't forget how good of a friend he was to me. How much he changed my life, gave me something special that was always waiting for me. Music. And I gave it my all. Anyone who knows, anyone who was there, knows how much I gave.
I could understand anger, I could understand him being upset. But the things he said, the way he said them...and the fact that he found delight in ridiculing me in public. How do you ever get past that? And worse, how do you forgive the ones who sided with him...who thought my pain was unreasonable. I was the monster, I was lectured. And then...I'm supposed to keep you? How?
This is just my side. My story. Who's do you expect me to tell?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's So Difficult
It's so difficult to look at you, knowing how you feel about me
Why am I a mistake, why is the bad all you see?
You say that I'm crazy and then just lock the door
As you turn away you don't see the way the pain cripples me to the floor
I wish I could be the kind of person you want in your life
Never causing you burden, disappointment, or any ounce of strife
I can't change who I am to be better for you
I can't make you care for me the way I need you to
I don't want to lose you, I don't want this to be the end
I pray for you to understand and want to remain my friend
But I can only wish you happiness and a life of joy for now
You don't want to deal with me so I'll step aside somehow
Know this though, you'll be forever in my heart
Time won't erase the memories and of me you'll always be part
Facebook note - by Nicole McMillan - Friday, May 7, 2010
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No Words
You came to my house and I invited you in with a smile. You smiled back and we talked for awhile. But I must have said something wrong because suddenly your smile was gone. In your hand was a bat and you swung it fast and hard. Beating me, beating me, beating me until I fell to the floor. Then you beat me some more. "You got what you deserved," you say. "You need to learn." My hands were shaking, my heart was breaking, my soul began to burn. You left. I cried out to you, "You're right, I'm sorry, I won't say another word. I promise I'll stay away." But you came back and said "Don't worry, we'll talk, it will all be ok." I cleaned up the blood, but lay there in pain. I couldn't close the wounds. Not yet, not again. You kept knocking on my door. And I kept letting you in. Sometimes I didn't say a word, sometimes I did and you beat me again. I started to believe it...that I was nothing to him at all. I didn't know who to ask for help, they said, "Well you shouldn't have set him off." At times I thought the only solution was to disappear forever. But strangers and friends came by to clean my wounds and make it better. I couldn't let go, he had been so good to me, the love was all I could see. My best friend for so long...and I thought he would come back again. I gave and gave and gave my heart and asked for more time to repair it. But one more slap, that wasn't fast enough. And I could no longer bear it. I took what was left away and sat down quietly. I didn't tell my family until it was over because I didn't want them to see me bleed. Now I wait for the pain to pass and try to understand...why is it ok for someone to hit you with words, but not their hand?
Facebook note - by Nicole McMillan - Wednesday, December 22, 2010
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I need therapy...I know it. To manage the depression and anxiety if nothing else. Cognitive behavioral therapy. I have to train myself to think differently. I've already done some on my own...without knowing what it is. In the past. And I know that the things in the last 4 years have deeply scarred me. Events from childhood have shaped me. Probably have PTSD and a dozen other things. I have to be comfortable with what I do. But I will do it. I want to be better.
I already edited this. Too much personal info. Not that they'll be around to care. And I'll still regret speaking of this after it's posted. Because I'm not an outgoing person. And I can't write a simple short blog. It has to come out. Because it's hurting me by staying inside. And maybe I want my new friends to know why I am the way I am. Why I don't trust. Why I can't just believe the words. Words are easy. Actions are hard. There are many who have proven themselves by their actions. And I owe them more than I can give...I'll never ever forget what they did for me. How they stood by me, stood up for me. Faced so much toxic opposition for ME. For me. But I'd do it for them. Some things are just right to do. Sometimes you just have to do what's morally right. Especially for those you love. Thank you for being there.
I may delete this. But right now I'm too stressed and anxious to care. My emotions are blocked. Manic phase? I'm just a unipolar bear anyway. Tired.
I don't want to lose readers/followers/friends. I say too much, with too much emotion. But I have to be me. I don't want to hide who I am anymore. I know it would be easier, but it would hurt so much more. This is the right way for me. For now.
But I'm not crazy. I'm just complex.
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