Slowly

Things are bad. They could have been good. I was really trying to be better. But it's all relative, isn't it? Better than what? The last five years? The last three? The past 7 months? Stupidly I thought I could handle this...living here. But I knew. I don't think I'll survive it this time. I don't know if it matters if I do.

I'm always wrong. The things I do, the way I feel, the thoughts I think. I'm told to stop. Always stop. It's not normal, it's not their way. But no matter what I do, the right way is always opposite. Tell me to speak up, say what I feel...but then tell me what I feel is wrong, stop that, you can't dwell on it. But I do. I am made this way...I hurt, I worry. But I can't stop just because it's bad or not how I'm supposed to be. Who am I? I don't have an identity. I am what you made me. But it's still my fault. I can't win. I should feel no pain. But that's all this brings. I'm not right. It's killing me slowly, just like before. My fault. Always my fault. I have to save me. But what's worth saving? I'm so tired.

Xanax is clouding my mind. I needed it. One and a half. Sleeping pills leftover in my system. Maybe I can sleep the day away. To get to tomorrow. I could have done it. Been pretty & flirty and made him want me again. I wanted more time with him. I just wanted to go & have fun & laugh & dance. I was ready. But I don't have the strength. And my car needs fixed -- not my fault. But I'm not allowed to feel upset about it. Worried that I'll be trapped here.

"If you fail, at least you tried." I always try. But sometimes you have to let go, give up. Because there's nothing left to try for. I'm a failure in other ways. I can't win.

I want to see him again...I pray that we're still on good terms. But I might have to walk away. I'm scared that things will be bad. I'm not meant to have that kind of life. A living one. Happiness. I try to explain, but they can't hear me. I am who I am.

I need help. But I don't think anyone can save me. I'm meant to do it on my own. But sometimes I need someone there. But I can't. I'm sorry. I'm tired.

No one really knows me. Or they would understand. My cousin's daughter died. Hung herself a few days ago. She was only 11...bullied, probably so much more. I didn't know her, maybe saw her once or twice. But I can understand her. If I had the courage back then..

They don't understand. Maybe more people will listen now. Not brush it aside. They don't want to know...so children suffer. It's not serious enough. But it is, for us.

I pray for her soul to be at peace.
I pray for mine too.

I pray. Please save me. Keep them safe.

My inside voice

Pseudo-mania. That's what I'm going to call this. I don't fit the criteria for bipolar mania. Maybe some anxiety symptoms mimic it...that feeling when you feel like there are a million things moving around inside of you. I can feel it running through my blood. But I can feel that when I take Tylenol too...and can tell when it's wearing off. Maybe that's hyper-sensitivity or hyper-vigilence or something. But the anxiety increases my sensory perception (or reception?). Everything's too loud, lights are too bright, smells make me sick. I get headaches. I have to get out of the room, away from people. The sounds literally echo in my head. I don't want to feel like that. I don't want anyone to touch me. Sometimes sleep helps...sometimes it's all I can do to escape. But I can't escape my mind. I can't quiet my head. Even in sleep there are dreams. Which brings stress and sadness and fear. Sometimes the only good thing about being asleep is that I'm not awake.

Medications help. Sleep aids work better than nothing at all. But nothing lasts very long. Even if I don't fight sleep, even if I'm exhausted, I can't stay under for more than 3 or 4 hours at a time. At the most, 6 or 7. But I can't remember the last time that happened...maybe a year ago. And 2 years since this sleep pattern. I don't need much sleep, but I need more than that. I take naps during the day. I can't sleep at night at all right now. Part of Seasonal Affective Disorder; I need sunlight to function. Usually doesn't happen much in the summer months, but it goes on a cycle. October is the real fall.

I have my music, my videos, my close friends & family. Support, comfort. I try very hard to do my best to be a good friend. But I have to walk away. From some...


Let us all be free.

You're a superstar on your own...

The Confrontation


I'm tired of mixed signals. I'm tired of empty words & broken promises. I'm tired of men telling me I'm beautiful or they're attracted to me and then giving me less acknowledgment than the dirt under their shoe. I'm tired of men making plans with me and not following through. I'm tired of being alone when there's someone right there who led me to believe that they wanted to spend time with me. I'm tired of excuses & explanations. I'm tired of holding back all of my needs because there's no one there to fulfill them. I'm tired of being confused. I'm tired of trying to figure it out. I'm tired of people thinking they know what's best & I get no choice in the situation. I'm tired of married people giving me advice on being single. I'm tired of being expected to be happy for everyone else while I just watch & hurt. I'm tired of wondering what's wrong with me...and having people tell me. I'm tired of feeling unwanted. I'm tired of people telling me I'm not...when that's what is proven year after year. I'm tired of trying again & again & again. I'm not made to date a lot of people, it's not what I need. I'm tired of watching guys I'm interested in getting other girlfriends, having babies...when they said they wanted to see me, were thinking about me. Made me happy & then gone...and I lose the close friendship, the texting, the IMs, the feeling of belonging. I'm tired of wondering why why why? What can I do next time so this doesn't happen? I'm tired of being nice & caring & having everyone depend on me to help them. But no one can tell me when a friend's kid is in the hospital? When someone I love is going through a bad time? People know I would do it for them...how much I give & care & try to do my best as a friend. But people come & go, say things they don't mean, put me down, patronize me with "advice"...and I'm expected to take them back no matter how much they hurt me or ignore me or neglect me. It's NOT ok. I'm not ok. And I won't be here for this anymore. I'm done. I have to make changes. I accept that this is my life and these are the circumstances for whatever time I have left. I'm hurting & grieving & I have to deal with everything on my own. I just want to be held, touched, kissed...someone physically there that I can lean on. Someone I can take care of too. If I'm so great, why aren't I worth a few hours out of your day? If guys wanted to date me, REALLY wanted to be with me, they'd be knocking at my door or calling or texting or emailing or some way trying to get in touch with me. Making an effort, making plans, showing interest in my life. But it doesn't happen. Their actions prove that I'm not good enough. And I've been told that I'm not worth the trouble to get to know, in the past. I'll always be who I am. I will improve & compromise & go after what I want. But you have to take all of me or none of me. No more pieces, no more half efforts because you know I'm a good person & I'll still love you. My feelings won't change but you won't have a place in my life. I am worth something...I am worth fighting for. I would fight for you. I would die for those I love. It's my nature. But you can't even spend time with me when you claim to care? I ask for so little. I just want to be appreciated. Happy. But I'm just tired & sick & disappointed. I deserve more respect & consideration than this.


I had to get it out. I feel better now, stronger. No more tears. I don't need anyone who doesn't need me. I need someone who can show me without a doubt that they need me everyday. Willing to work on US.

I won't settle, I won't beg. I'm not trying to be a teacher, I won't cater to your every need. I need someone who can hold their own. Who can handle me at my best and my worst. Equality. Communication. Compatibility. Attraction. Love. Can you see my future? Do we share it? Family, a home, forever? That's what I need.


I'll be 34 tomorrow. It's way past time. I want to start my life. This isn't it.

Dreaming in black and white

I know my purpose...how to live a meaningful life. Helping others, giving of my time, heart, support. I am a nurturer. A protector. I would die for those I love. But right now I must live for them.

It's not that easy. And it's not something that anyone else can fix. Maybe not even understand. What I feel, what I know to be true in my heart, is for me alone. No one has the right to tell me how to feel or how to be. What to believe or how not to think. I will solve this on my own. Even if I was delusional (or simply wrong) it's nobody's place to decide what's right for me. I believe that there is not just one way. I believe in miracles, but I can see the worst in people, in the world. But these are my beliefs. You're entitled to your own. Free choice.

I'm so close to Him, more than anyone knows. Maybe I don't show it, or talk about it, or follow the same path as others. I think of things differently, see the world from a different perspective than most. Does that mean I'm wrong? No, because it's right for me. I play by different rules...maybe it's a game you don't know. But it's not a game. It's my life.

My intuition guides me...and what is intuition, but that part of me that is outside of me. I trust it. I have faith in it. And myself.

I'm not complete. I'm not whole. I know what I need. I know. Nothing else will fill this void. Nothing but that.


6/10/12 AM

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


I'm tired. Feeling doubtful now. I still feel what I felt after the concert. Emotional during. But I don't like anyone to see me cry. Private thoughts, private feelings. That's just who I am.

Sometimes I really hate myself. No one knows the true me, except me. I'm supposed to be the good girl...kind and compassionate. But how can I be good when I have all these bad things crawling around inside of me? I don't know. Because if I'm this other way, people leave. And I have to let them go. Be free of me. I feel guilty for being defensive, for explaining the same point in a million different ways. Different perspectives for different people. I just want them to understand. All I've ever wanted. My page...but I'm not safe. Eventually my friends get tired of dealing with me, having to sit through my issues, wait til I'm nice again. It's a cycle, it's inevitable. And the hurt is involuntary. I'm sorry. I just keep trying. But why burden them? I understand why they left. I would too if I could. I would never want anyone to be like me. I would take it away. I can't be good. I can't be right. I'm just not.

Am I really different from high school? Because I still feel like a fool. Weaknesses. Mistakes. Not cool.

Bad place...emotionally & physically. Feel trapped and too exposed at the same time. Writing this isn't helping. It's not being released. I still believe, I still hope. I still pray. No one knows. And I want my dog. She's gone...and my birthday's coming up. And she's still gone.

I'm just sorry. I can't fix this. This isn't helping.
Pressure. Let me sleep.


*Dreaming in black and white = things I don't do, can not be


This is unfinished...


6/11/12 AM

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


Saw 'The Avengers' for the 3rd time last night. Makes me happy. Trying to let myself enjoy things. Let it be ok that I'm happy about things. I know bad things will happen. I know I'll fall apart. I can't take anymore...no more deaths, please. 7 is enough, seven is enough. I haven't played my violin since my dog died. It's almost a year...it's almost my birthday again. I love her so much. I miss her so much. All of them. And nothing to be done.

I will let myself do good things. I will have more hope. I do have hope now, or I wouldn't be alive. But it's so hard. I need more time. I need more than this in my life. A reason. Maybe some people don't need that...they're alive just because. They look forward to another day just because it's there. But I need a reason, something to drive me, something to look forward to. Plans, a future, love in my life. Children, animals, music, art. Something to hold onto. People don't have to understand my reasoning to accept that this is the way it works for me.

I'm so frustrated. Just frustrated.

I'll never be satisfied with this...so I should just post it. Maybe someone else will understand. But I don't want help or advice or pity. I just want to be understood. Listened to and accepted. And loved, the way I love. The way I need it. I want things to work out. Happily. For a long while.

"Love me or leave me alone." This is who I am.

No more promises.


6/12/13

It's Time

I wanted to write before I lose this feeling. Before I forget what I learned today. What I know now....and before the doubts creep back in.

I wasn't sure which emotions I'd feel today. It's just hard watching other people live the kind of life that you want yourself. Not to take anything from them, but to have something of your own. But you don't. So it's hard, just is. I expect it, I accept it. But I love so deeply and I truly truly want the people I care about to be happy. It's a necessity...I need to know that they will be ok -- loved, protected, taken care of happy -- no matter what happens to me. They will go on...when I can not.
But seeing my cousin, who is my age and has struggled through some of the things I have, who has felt what I have felt -- getting older, not married, frustrated, etc. There are so many things we want...us women in our 30s...and I have friends who feel the same too. But when I saw her walk out of the church in her beautiful gown with her new husband beside her, smiles on their faces and hope for their future, I felt so much love for her and I am so glad that she is happy.

Of course it makes me think about the fact that I'm not married...not even close. I don't have the child I want, I don't have a good job or good health. But I'd never want to take that from anyone else. It has nothing to do with anyone else. My life is my own and I make my choices. I change, I adapt, I hope, I pray. I live and I love. I have happy times, special moments, even miracles. But I can't just be content to live an unfinished life. To settle and just "deal with it". I can't control others' emotions or choices. I can't make someone stay when they don't want to. I can't make someone like me if they don't. Even if I had the power, I wouldn't. Free choice. It's very important to me.

It was very hard when my younger sister got married. Difficult when my younger brother had a child. But I worked through it, I got past it and did the honorable and responsible thing. And the wedding was beautiful, perfect. I had no bad thoughts or feelings that day. My brother-in-law is one of my brothers; and I know without a doubt how devoted he is to her. And my nephew is the one true thing in life that makes me know that there's a reason the earth spins, that everything means something. I understand what J.F. meant by "I know that God exists, I held her in my arms...", refering to his daughter. You have to believe that there's some higher power at work when you hold a child. They are miracles in themselves. And I have so many great children in my life that I love. They make my world better. They make the world. But none of them are mine...some aren't even blood. And people say that you'll never understand unless you have your own kids, you can't understand certain situations or decisions a parent makes unless you're a parent yourself. Experience is knowledge, I give you that. But I can understand, I can relate. I can see so much, and what I don't know, I feel. I listen, I learn. I have the maternal instinct. And I have taken care of kids before -- since I was a kid myself. I've watched my mom, saw her feelings. Watched and learned and acted through everyone around me. I know how to be a mother. I know that I do. And I'm good at it. Biological children or not. It's in me.

But what I learned today was more immediate to my life. There's someone I'm interested in, someone I was hoping to developed a relationship with...or at least become better friends. He's such a good guy. And with me "friend" = platonic; I don't get the whole "with benefits" thing. You don't sleep with your friends, you have romantic relationships for that. I'm not attracted to my "friends"...I'm attracted to men I want to date. Whatever. The point is, that I've been waiting and hoping and questioning why things are the way they are. Why none of my efforts get anywhere. Why he says he wants to see me, but he doesn't do anything about it. I've been here before. Decades. And no matter how much I adapt (different person, different situation) or try not to make the same mistake again, things still seem to have the same outcome. I could say all the things I said before. Think back to that list that someone created about why no man wants me, why no one will ever want to have kids with someone like me. I could go back further, to college, high school. Whenever. I know all the bad. I know how others see me....and how I see myself. I don't want to put myself down...and I don't so much anymore. It's like a detachment. Or numbness? These deaths have taken their toll and I'm not who I was. But I care less, about everyone else. And I'm prepared for what will happen. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Let go of what isn't yours to have.

I know that I deserve more. It's hard to feel worthy of that, but I know it to be true. I can't settle, I can't just give in to something that's wrong for me. I've always strived for more, better. Just to feel whole and do what's right for ME. My intuition guides me. And it is not wrong. So we go through the things we go through because we're meant to. At that time. You can't erase the past just because things go wrong in the future. Just because a friendship or relationship changes or falls apart, doesn't negate all of the good in the beginning. You can't erase memories. The things that I wish I hadn't done, I know that at the time they were the right choices for me. Even if I make a mistake, even if I regret...I made the choice that I chose to make. I love so many, care about so many more. And detest a few. But that doesn't make me a bad person. Bad deeds don't make you a bad person inside. Unless you let that become your persona. But I don't really understand that. Too deep for right now.

It was good hanging out with my (paternal) family. Hadn't seen many of them in awhile. Maybe afraid of what they would think of me...knowing now the things I never spoke of before. But I'm not so crazy, right? And I'm not so quiet either...or maybe more confident. Aggressive? Living in the Philly area made me become more of the person I wanted to be. I'm different now. My uncle said so. That's good I think. I'm not going to change back into what I was when I lived here before. No. I'm better than this. I'm better.

I had fun. The reception was great and the cake was beautiful. I love those fancy, modern cakes that look like tiered hat boxes...too exquisite to be real. Beautiful dresses that kind of brought back memories of altering the bridesmaid dresses and bridal gown for my sister's wedding. Bittersweet feelings. But my cousin was so lovely, so content and excited and happy. And her husband seems like a very cool guy...really good for her. And from the speeches, he is really good to her. Takes care of her in the way an independent woman needs to be. Just does the things that someone who loves you is supposed to do. Treats her well, treats her friends and family well. Is there for her. Ready to be there for her.

And that's what I realized -- that's the kind of man I need. The kind that we all should be blessed with. One who understands us, who is there for us, and gives generously of himself without question. One who does not neglect, one who does not make you question whether they want to be with you or make you feel like you're not quite good enough in some way. Who knows your flaws and emotions and health issues and everything else, but is THERE for you. I know I've seen it in my parents and grandparents and aunts/uncles. Friends, family. It's what keeps me believing in marriage. Because I know it can work. Through the hard times and arguing and setbacks. Through the scary times and happy ones. You get through it together -- because you BOTH want to. People change, they grow up, grow older, want different things. But if you love enough, want enough, fight and work enough...I don't see how you can't move forward. And even if things don't work out, even if you can't stay together, you still do it the right way. You still keep in mind what's important. I know what's important. But you have to try.

I've let myself be abused and rejected and disappointed and dejected. Let myself look past the words and actions that made me feel bad about myself or unwanted. I've let myself feel insecure. Let myself open my heart to people who I know didn't deserve it. But I had to try, you see. I always have to try...because you never know.

This isn't the way a relationship is supposed to be. I'm not supposed to feel neglected and disappointed. I haven't done anything wrong. I'm not supposed to keep waiting for a gesture or indication that I matter, finally. I'm not supposed to be lonely while I'm watching them live life. I'm not supposed to just take it that they don't want to call me their girlfriend, that they can't commit to the most basic form of companionship.

I'm supposed to be thought of first. To have them wonder whether I'm happy, and if not, what they can do to help me. Someone thoughtful who pays attention to my needs and does little gestures just because. I don't need money, I don't need fame, I don't need status. I just need a person to value me. And do all those little things. Want to be with me because of me. Doesn't just call me beautiful, but treats me as if I am. Wants to create something real...and can see the future I see. Need me...

So many things I can't put into words. But, I guess the bottom line is to have a man who loves me -- all of me. Even the parts they don't like or don't understand. It's what I do for them. Why I'm such a good friend, good listener. Compassion and acceptance. I know what I need now. I just might not get it. And that's something I have to accept.

I have to let go.  This isn't good enough.

But change won't come in a day...

You Are Joy

You are a joy
Baby boy, with your eyes so blue
The stars smile down from heaven
Just to look at you
You are the light of hope
In a world dark and cold
A precious gift to treasure
To protect, cherish, hold
I love your giggles
And your sweet baby talk
Your chubby little cheeks
And the cute way you walk
Smart and strong
As silly as can be
You are not mine
But you are part of me

NRM ~ 2011


Dedicated to my nephew

Blowing in the wind

I need to start believing again. Believing that things will work out. That all the pieces will come together. That there's a future out there for me -- one filled with love and joy and companionship. That maybe I'll get married and have a child. Or in the present time -- find a man who's brave enough to stand with me and face that uncertain future. The future's not promised to anyone...we all run out of time. I want to get a dog. Adopt a child if I can't have one of my own, on my own. Visit Ireland, hang out with my friends in Texas. Maybe there's a home there for me...I don't know. Spend time with my girls in Utah. Watch my nephew grow up. Help where I can...make someone happy.

There are lifetimes to be experienced, foreign worlds to be discovered. Lots of good things in my life. I can see them. I can feel them. I know I am loved. I love very much.

But the fear. For my family, for loss, for death. I honestly don't know why I haven't had a breakdown yet. It's been too much, for too long. I shouldn't be sane. Am I?

It's hard to look forward to a future that you know will be empty of the people (and animals) you love most. The love doesn't stop. You love them as if they're still there. You look for them everywhere. You expect them. But you know they are gone forever. They will never come back -- no matter how hard you pray, no matter how much you cry or barter or beg. THEY WILL NEVER COME BACK. And me...I look at my family and I want to save them, spare them the pain. It goes inside of me no matter what I do. That's a given. But I can do nothing. Nothing. As much as I have to give, as intuitive as I am -- I don't have that power. There's so much I can't see. And so, I'm here with them. Waiting for the other shoe to drop...and trying to survive in the midst of all those that have already fallen from the sky. We're drowning...and no one can see.

But, I have to be here now. Keep going, knowing that eventually I'll lose everyone I love. Wondering what's the point of it all. Is it worth it? Why should we have to live in pain and suffer unbearably? Depression, anxiety, physical pains. No one even knows. I'm here.

I want...something. It's right there. And so am I. I have to wait...or let go. I don't give up, but sometimes I just have to let go and walk away. I have to take care of my needs, my sanity. I need more. I deserve better. And it's possible. I see it. What was, what is, what could be. It's there. I just wish he could see it too. See me. Want me. Choose me. Now. Take me with you on your journey. I could be good for you. I think I could.

But I walk alone. I sleep alone, I grieve alone. You can't fill up the round holes with square pegs. You can't substitute one person for another. They all have their place -- for me, inside. If they're gone, that place is empty. That hole won't be filled with someone else, something new. As grateful as I am for ALL the blessings in my life, they will NEVER take the place of what was lost. Or what has not come into my life yet. There are holes, empty spaces waiting. Reserved for a specific thing. Nothing can replace, nothing else compares. I see it, I feel it. I KNOW what I need. No one else does.

If other people don't understand or feel that way, they don't have to. But don't tell me how to live or what worked for you or what I'm doing wrong. I follow my heart -- it tells me the truth. About my life. And the only one who knows all of the secrets is me.

I'm trying. I feel like I'm failing, but I'm trying. I just have to live how I live and block the pain so I can breathe. It always comes back. One second, one second at a time.